The English Language
You Think English is Easy??? Can you
read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the
wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse
more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead
out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert
in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time to present the present
8) A bass was painted on the head of the
bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the
bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the
invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen
about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to
close it
14) The buck does funny things when the
does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into
a sewer line.
16) To help w ith planting, the farmer taught
his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the
sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I
shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series
of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most
intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in
hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented
in England or French fries in France .
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat. We take
English for granted, but if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers
don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose,
2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One
index, 2 indices? Do esn't it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not o ne amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you
call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers
praught? Sometimes I think all the English
speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do
people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be
the same, while a wise man and a wise guy
are opposites? You have to marvel at the
unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in
which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not
computers, and it reflects the creativity of the
human race, which, of course, is not a race
at all. That is why, when the stars are out,
they are visible, but when the lights are out,
th ey are invisible.
You lovers of the English language might
enjoy this:
There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-
letter word, and it is UP.
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward
the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken
in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting,
why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP
and why are the officers UP for election and why is it
UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we brighten UP a room
and polish UP the silver. We warm UP the leftovers
and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house
and some guys fix UP old cars. At oth er times, the
little word has a real special meaning. Peopl e stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and
think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to
be dressed UP is special .
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened
UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store
in the morn ing, but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be
knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the
word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary,
it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP
to about thirty definitions. If you are UP< /U> to it,
you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP
can be used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if
you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred
or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is
clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is
clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes
things UP .
When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP .
For now, my time is .....UP .
Time to shut UP
You Think English is Easy??? Can you
read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the
wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse
more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead
out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert
in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time to present the present
8) A bass was painted on the head of the
bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the
bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the
invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen
about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to
close it
14) The buck does funny things when the
does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into
a sewer line.
16) To help w ith planting, the farmer taught
his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the
sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I
shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series
of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most
intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in
hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented
in England or French fries in France .
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat. We take
English for granted, but if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers
don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose,
2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One
index, 2 indices? Do esn't it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not o ne amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you
call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers
praught? Sometimes I think all the English
speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do
people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be
the same, while a wise man and a wise guy
are opposites? You have to marvel at the
unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in
which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not
computers, and it reflects the creativity of the
human race, which, of course, is not a race
at all. That is why, when the stars are out,
they are visible, but when the lights are out,
th ey are invisible.
You lovers of the English language might
enjoy this:
There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-
letter word, and it is UP.
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward
the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken
in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting,
why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP
and why are the officers UP for election and why is it
UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we brighten UP a room
and polish UP the silver. We warm UP the leftovers
and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house
and some guys fix UP old cars. At oth er times, the
little word has a real special meaning. Peopl e stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and
think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to
be dressed UP is special .
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened
UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store
in the morn ing, but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be
knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the
word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary,
it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP
to about thirty definitions. If you are UP< /U> to it,
you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP
can be used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if
you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred
or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is
clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is
clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes
things UP .
When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP .
For now, my time is .....UP .
Time to shut UP
