My daughter, my only other child aside from my son and the product of my first marriage, turned 10 yesterday.  Of course, I didn't get to participate in any birthday celebration.  The last time I was "allowed" was when she was 8.

Let me back up a bit since I want to get this all down while it's still fresh in my mind.  Sunday the 14th I went to church with my daughter for the last time (for now) and of course my parents.  She had a presentation during Sacrament and gave a talk.  I was quite proud of her she did very well.

After Sacrament was over I tried to get to the front of the room to tell my daughter what a great job she had done and she saw me and smiled.  Other people got in the way before I could get there and my mother had her out of the room in a flash.  I'm sure my mother thought I would not try to find her after that...I normally don't because it's often awkward and I don't want to put my daughter through unnecessary issues.  Plus, the last time I did I was accused of ambushing her.

Anyway I went to the primary room and caught her attention from the doorway.  I motioned for her to come and talk with me and she asked me to wait and went and asked my mother for permission or something (I wasn't close enough to hear what was actually said).  I saw my mother nod at her and she turned to come to me when she was called back and told she must go out the other door my mother close behind her every second.  My mother never lets her out of her site.

So we stood in the hall with other people around and my mother right there (and when I say we I mean my husband, myself, my son, and my daughter) and I told her how proud I was of her and what a great job she did.  She asked to hold her brother, this is the second time she's seen him and it was 3 almost 4 months ago the first time she saw him.  I let her hold him and she asked me questions about how much he weighs, how long he's had teeth, and just enjoyed him.  Of course that didn't last long, maybe five minutes at the most before my mother was ushering her back into the next room and it was over.

Well this last Sunday, the 21st, I went to see my daughter at my parents house.  I had to drop off the keys to their rental which I just moved out of ( that's another entry in and of itself) and I wanted to wish my daughter a happy birthday and give her a gift.  When my mother opened the door she took the keys and the gift and I got the impression she was hoping I'd just leave at that point but I didn't.  I was there to see my daughter!  So I decided to try and get my son (whom my mother has barely had contact with...again another entry in itself) to interact with his grandmother a bit and she invited me in at that point. 

She sat the gift for my daughter down in the dining room, out of the way and on the floor, and walked into the living room where we sat down.  No sign of my daughter mind you, which was rather odd.  So I waited thinking perhaps my daughter would come out on her own and nothing.  I finally asked where she was and my mother said "Oh, she's here somewhere," and then starts to call her name.  My daughter comes out of my old bedroom which is just on the other side of the front hall and from which you can not only see everything going on out front but hear everything going on in the living room.  I can't help but wonder if my mother sent her out of the room (it took her forever to answer the door) and told her to stay there.  That makes me angry but I can't really do anything about it.

Well she came out and sat down next to my mother, on the side furthest from me.  She said a timid hello of course.  She watched her brother, tried to hold him but he was still a bit grumpy from having too short of a nap so that didn't last too long and then I finally asked if she could open her birthday present before I left.  My mother gave her permission and told her where it was.

She seemed to like everything I gave her (a craft book to make paper clothes, a butterfly necklace and a gift certificate in a butterfly card for Barnse & Noble) but she's very guarded with her emotions around me.  I put the baby down and he started to crawl around and she watched him, asked some questions about him, comment on what beautiful eyes he has (she has mentioned those eyes everytime she sees him) and how wonderful all of his hair is.  I tried to talk with her some but her responses are short and she won't really engage with me.

Eventually she gave her brother the bow from her package (made of cloth ribbon) and sat on the floor and played with it with him.  They seemed to be having a great time when my mother suddenly said "We have to eat dinner now because we have somewhere to go" and that was the end of it.  My daughter gave her brother a hug and me and we said goodbye and told each other we loved each other but it felt rushed and my mom was sending her out of the room to set the table and ushering me toward the door.  My daughter came rushing back looking as if she was worried I would leave without saying goodbye so I made a point of saying it to her one more time. 

I miss her so much!!!

One last thing I need to mention that I thought was very strange.  The week before last my old friend, I'll just call him 'A', came up in a conversation with my dad.  I'm not entirely sure why.  Anyway, he (my dad) says to me that my daughter asked about 'A' the other day.  Well let's see...the last time she saw 'A' was probably when she was 4 and most of the time she wasn't awake when he did visit so I doubt she has much memory of him ('A' himself pointed that out).  Then my dad goes on to tell me how much he always liked 'A' and what a nice guy he was.  Well that was a bit odd too.  But really, why on earth would my daughter be asking about some guy that my parents barely know and she probably doesn't even really remember?  That still bothers me...it's just too odd.

Ah well...I've got to go drop off papers at the courthouse, drop off new keys for the new locks with the landlord, and pick up my husbands perscriptions.  I'm so tired though, I didn't sleep well last night.  Perhaps I'll get to take a nap sometime today.