His heartbeat is loud in my ears as I walk into a red tinged bathroom.
I can smell the last couple who used this place
for the very same thing we will.
A blast of cold radiates from where his thumb touches
my silk clad hip. The sound of the lock sliding home is a loud,
barely registered thunk.
Frigid tile cushions my back and I am consumed,
covered from head to toe by this man.
His tongue slides onto of mine, wet, thick, unsatisfying.
I grab his neck and pull him closer to me,
hoping his heat will counter the shivers rising up from me.
He mistakes this for longing as he places his smooth,
too thin fingers onto my waistband.
Shoves into me through panties, soaked, not for him.
These are my really pretty panties,
the ones I wore for someone else,
but shared with him.
He’s quick, and it takes me a moment to respond.
I place my hands on his belt, but I’m clumsy,
unable to think and do at the same time.
Pushing me away, he does what I am thinking too much to do.
Finally, the foreplay is over,
my pants have pooled around calves
I am holding on to the porcelain sink.
He’s inside me, muscles stretched after too long,
stinging. He slips out once, but soon finds a rhythm,
making me work at staying level.
It isn’t until he reprimands me that I realize I am grunting,
on automatic, with my mind still 10 feet away in the next room.
I want it harder
I need to feel that sting again and again.
But it is now over. And I’m pulled upright.
He leaves, and I relock the door,
stare at myself in the mirror.
Nothing is out of place, my makeup is fine.
I swipe a hand through my hair,
arrange the jacket I never took off,
and walk out.
He is standing there, watching over the door,
I have not really looked at him since I walked into the club,
I have no desire to do so now.
The craving is gone, the need fulfilled.
Now I wait to crash, for the shame to seep in,
to wrap myself around the guilt and disgust.
Embrace the only sensation that will break through
this numbness. To feel worthy of your rejection.
tbs230 posted on Sep 23, 2008
| views: 93
Comments
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secretlife said on Sep 23, 2008....
the craving isn't really gone because the need you have isn't for sex- but instead for intimacy, which you could not possibly get from the stranger in the bathroom.you hurt only yourself by continuing to give him the power to hurt you.he has moved on, yet you have not.you have to let go honey- you have to say goodbye. -
tbs230 said on Sep 23, 2008....
I tell myself this everyday. And I wonder if maybe I cling to him because he was the last good relationship I had. I want intimacy, a loving person by my side, but I don't have that...so I take the next best thing, those few moments when I can tell myself that someone wants me, wants to be with me.
He is just my excuse. The real problem is this need to be wanted, accepted, loved. To have someone in real life see in me what you see through my words. That's when I'll know its true and possible.
I just have to learn to stop getting in my own way.
-
secretlife said on Sep 23, 2008....
it's not a problem to need to be wanted accepted and loved-it really isn't.do you know one human being who doesn't need those things?the problem is selling yourself short- not believing you deserve these things-not loving you first and foremost. and not believing that any man who is with you is a very very lucky man.and that your poor ex?......well he's made a big mistake and is missing out. too bad for him- yup........too bad for him, but you have no time to lament because you are too busy realizing that there are sooooooo many other men in the world who are better for you than he is. and who might even realize what a treasure you are. no time to waste on the others- their loss, you know?stop giving him the power.don't answer your phone when he calls. or if you do, say "no" when he puts you in a position of being hurt as you were the other day-be nice. say "no" with a smile on your pretty face.but protect YOU.i know once you meet a real man tbs, you will barely remember this boy who "plays" with your emotions.while you're waiting for him to show up, work on that self esteem.it's important for soooooo many reasons- love you. love you not for what you look like, but for what's inside of you- in your heart and in your soul. love you from the inside, out. because once you love your insides, the rest will follow.I am ROUTING for YOU.always. -
queenparanoia said on Sep 24, 2008....
{{{{HUG}}}}
it's okay... nothingmore i could say but... dont worry... you'll get over this... and like secret says... let him go tbs... let him go... you deserve better...
Comment on "9-20-08"
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