After two and a bit years, my partner is now desperate to rent a house with me and move out of his parents home. I'm currently living with a couple of family members and have my own bungalow and things, and he lives with his parents. This is hard for me as he's never lived out of home and I've been living out of home at 16.
Having lived with many different types of peoples over the years, I can see that he believes that living together will be a fairytale kind of thing. As I'm sure a lot of you know, it's not all that fun when a couple first moves in together and learns every little habit their partner has. I have to remind him that it's damn hard to live together after the initial honeymoon period, so to speak, and this will make or break us. Moving together can easily destroy the best of relationships, I've seen it so many times and if both parties cannot agree to disagree...it can be a real nightmare.
I really want this to work and am keen to move in but from having lived as a couple in a previous r/ship (I didn't love that person though so we broke up and lived as friends, and it improved dramatically). I don't want this relationship to crumble. I know for the first time ever I actually care what he thinks, and that only happens if I am really fond of a person, and for me to still be in a relationship that feels fresh after 2 years is a feat unto itself!!! I could barely do 3 months in previous relationships as I tired easily of my partners as I realize I don't love them, like that. I know this time it's different as I can imagine growing old together and I'm prepared to share my life with him, and as I keep telling him, he's in for a few surprises in many different ways, not entirely bad! A year ago I was renting a 3 bedroom house alone and I urged him to move in with me to help with rent etc and we'd already been together a year but he would not leave home and thus I had no choice but to give up the house as I couldn't afford the full rent and I went back to sharing with family members.
The other day he accused me of smoking hash (huh?) and at that time I was at my wit's end with him after being too nice for too long, I broke. I yelled and I yelled and I swore and I vented EVERYTHING, all my frustrations with him. He went really quiet and walked outside. I sat inside swearing at ranting at thin air, as I do, then just put on a Simpsons DVD and I was soon over and felt a bit sorry for yelling so much and wanted him to come back in. He did about 15 minutes or so later and surprisingly he was full of apologies, I had hit the nail in in so many ways and he knew it. Things worked out, as they do, and we are better then ever...until the next argument!
Thanks for listening, any advice or stories of your experiences I'd love to hear!
Ton
thegayfuckup posted on Sep 22, 2008
| views: 199
Comments
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Fallyn said on Sep 22, 2008....
my advice is to have him live with a roommate or something first....but i know these things aren't easily accomplished.
romantic notions of how compatible you'll be living together need to be dispelled. and i don't really know any way of doing that besides taking the plunge and living together, which kinda sucks.....cause his fantasies are going to be dashed and you'll have to work through all that disappointment.
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thegayfuckup said on Sep 22, 2008....
Thanks Fallyn, I've suggested that over the past year but he won't live with anyone else, it's too good at home whilst he's there. Now there are parents on his back saying it's too hard to live out of home these days (WTF he's not a teen aqnymore?) and he'll move back before he knows it. That's what I fear. From his need to experience crap before learning his lesson.
It's gonna be damn hard to keep strong through all this, he has a lot of emotional issues and a need for them to be heard and responded too. I must be the teacher here and I'm not too used to that in relationship situations. Alll I can say is a lesson for the both of us is going to happen and I really hope the outcome is good. I will try my best on my part anyway. -
secretlife said on Sep 22, 2008....
after 2 years, i think living together is a reasonable expectation- but you both have to be ready to make the commitment. it sounds like he's ready, but now you're having 2nd thoughts...... -
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Sep 23, 2008....
I am in the same situation - reservations in moving in together for fear of ruining things by rushing - somewhat. : /
I can´t relate it much today because of lack of time. But I will try to come back (or blog about it! lol).
At this point I can only share, from our situation, we will try to take the plunge. You see no matter what preparation you do, you can never be prepared for all eventualities. I wish dry-runs are possible but you cannot simulate situations that might arose eventually... I realise myself that it is just a part of life to deal with them as they come...
Wishing you both luck and lotsa emotional strength!
paper ~
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OscarB said on Sep 23, 2008....
JUST DO IT!!!In every relationship there does come a time when you need to commit on some level... the commitment does of course bring certain complications. Expected of course as you learn to love each other in different ways... warts and all! -
thegayfuckup said on Sep 23, 2008....
JUST DO IT!!! That's what I tell myself!
I know I will as I am driven by love in this and I must do it. I am looking to do this by 3 months away, or as my financial situation dictates when.
Thanks for the comments.
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Lucytorial said on Sep 23, 2008....
Hold on, isn't this the guy that wants to change you without helping?? I'd say don't move in together until you sort your shit out and he sorts his shit out. I can't see it helping to be honest. Thats just my humble opinion which you did ask for.Is he still adamant that you go into rehab or he leaves? if he is then he's using tools to bait you and manipulate you, be careful. -
thegayfuckup said on Sep 25, 2008....
Hi Lucy,
Yes it is that guy, however we haven't spoken about drugs for a while as it always and I mean always fires up an argument. It is so confusing, as is he. As a 'compromise I feel it would benefit the both of us if HE also sought treatment for his depression, anxiety and mood swings. When he let's things get to him, he really let's them get to him.
These are my only real problems. Each day I don't know what to expect when we talk, usually depression but I gave him a good talking to about sitting around bringing me down too with him. I simply said I'll no longer support depressive statements that are meant to garner sympathy from me. It's amazing how quickly his mood can change, and I mean instantaneous sometimes with the right words or action.
We will see how this plays out with time, also it's starting to feel like a big game and I really don't like that...
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Lucytorial said on Sep 25, 2008....
It sounds more and more like he's a manipulative person trying to garner your complete and utter obedience.Its standard for someone to pray upon the insecurities of others to make themselves feel worthy, I'll keep saying it, be careful.Its better for you both to sort your shit out now before you move in, I think a little growing up on both sides would help immensely and you may just find you are not that well suited together, or you may find that you are. It won't be easy to do if you are living together. -
Fallyn said on Sep 25, 2008....
ugg, i've BEEN in a teacher/student situation with my ex. it SUCKED.
i was the student.....it was a bad bad situation.
not saying yours would be by necessity, but i can't imagine it's really ever healthy.
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thegayfuckup said on Sep 28, 2008....
Lucy, Fallyn I am tending to agree with you two. I am seeing a lot more now as I really open my eyes and not let the love veil distort my perception. In fact I am becoming very resentful towards him and that to me, marks the beginning of the end. -
lionesss said on Sep 28, 2008....
i think this shud be held of for a while as conditions and alutimatam as he is pushing your s are involed already,he sounds very manipulative towards you so stand strong and dnt let hiim play on your insecurities, also i think for him he is wxpecting you to go everything chores shopping etc, he isnt used to living away fom mum,dad and im not that sure he is will to take that big step,, take youre time my friend and wot will B will B,, ok .......:)xx -
thegayfuckup said on Sep 28, 2008....
Thanks Lionesss, it has only been since I admitted my addictions to him that he became this way. He says he is only concerned for my health, that may be true but it's the fact he will not respect my right to do as I please, as I allow him to do. The fact he cannot reflect the same unconditional love I show him is the only thing that stops me jumping in and going for it. To be honest I don't believe the relationship will last if we do move in together, and I'm not really wanting to live with him anymore. I know that his annoying little 'ways' will get to me and that I'll never have time to myself anymore. Plus if I go off the meds my brain goes haywire, causing me all kinds of depressive feelings and thoughts. Plus the growing resentment that I MUST address with him as soon as possible, it's not fair to keep him in a relationship when I am resenting him because of his uncompromising behavior and narrow mindedness. It's so confusing. -
lionesss said on Sep 29, 2008....
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lionesss said on Sep 29, 2008....
thx you for reading what i had said, it seems to me your looking for the the reassurance that you are making the write desicion, and for you my friend you are,say you had of moved in together and got up the confidence to tell him about your addiction,which was entilly up to you not him,, it seems like he would love to have you on a short reign ''to put it'' usin your ilnness as a excuse to get his own way leaving you absolutly drained with his annouing ways that already do your head in, as you know now its not goin to work living together, he has had a comfortable life at home having parents dealing with his tantrums and out burst as he isnt that stable himself and if your trying to get your life back on track, then he isnt ths person to help you beat this,, any1 who has had a addiction finds it murderus to fighta and the last thing you need is a narrowminded person with no compromises''sorry''... you say you have to have your meds and with meds come what ..side effects, and then if you stopp your meds you have a total melt down,i helpped a person with a drug addiction, it was hell on earth and yes was told it was a downward spiral they moved to be on their own as it was going to be a ruff time,nothing to take his attention or negative attitude, but good support off family friends and services...so if ever you need to talk you can pm me wen ever you want to,ok,take care my friend xxx
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