On the 9th August, 2008 my best friend in the world had his life support machine switched off at 24 years and 11 months.  I've had a lot of time to come to terms with the heartbreaking grief, the strong sense of loss, the always asking why, why couldn't I go instead of him as at least I wanted to, the tears start to fall hard as I even type this now.  His death has certainly changed me somehow, although the loss is so real and despairing.  I cannot comprehend that I will never see him alive again, except for when it's my turn to die.  I can only imagine the grief his parents and fiance are going through.  Their two children (of whom I am godfather) are still too young to understand.

A sufferer of Asthma his whole life, he was always so determined to beat that awful disease, yet there was one thing working against him, he also smoked cigarettes also.  Well, on August 3rd, he was taken by ambulance to Hospital for a severe asthma attack.  This time he couldn't let the air out as well as in.  As a result, he just could not/did not breathe for over 25 minutes.  His fiance tells me that the look on his face this time, even he knew it was going to be bad.  None of us knew just how bad.

As he was rushed into the hospital, he went into cardiac arrest and was placed into a Fentanyl induced coma and life support.  That was the last time he was seen awake again.  What a long week that was.  There was hope, there was grief, there was and still is so much love in our family now as a result of his passing.  We were told on the fifth day, his brain was more than half dead.  He was going to be a drooling vegetable never being able to do anything properly again himself, OR even remember any of us. 

So as it goes, the choice was made by his parents to turn him off, and the whole family was called up and most of us went up to say our goodbyes.  He was still on life support when we said our goodbyes, well for me the first goodbyes, then he was switched off at 12pm approx.  I don't remember the time exactly.  I went back in after he had been switched off and I just couldn't let go of him, alongside his parents, fiance and sister.  The first dead body I ever saw was his and I dod not care, I hugged him, kissed him, and just couldn't let go or stop thanking him for being so awesome and for supporting me 100% in my life, never once discriminating against me, regardless of what I did.  He didn't want to be a vegetable, so to speak, so we knew it was his wish to not remain alive like that, we sopke of death often.

It was only with him in my mind did I manage to stand up in front of 500+ people and speak about some of the things we used to do, while capturing his personality in the words for others to see.  God bless his dear soul.  He was a lover, always there for people who needed help, never once I seen him depressed.  A definite individual, I was his stylist for all the bizarre hairstyles and colors he would wear.

I got to spend a whole day with him the day before he had the asthma attack.  I took him plant shopping with me, we listened to Marilyn Manson in the car as we alway did/I still do.  I am so glad I gave him a driving lesson that day, and for some reason when I dropped him off, I stared at him in the rear view mirror for so long...and that was the last I seen him conscious and alive.

I cannot type anymore for now, it's too damn hard so God bless you ALL.

Ton