As usual, I sit in front of the screen, and I don´t know where to begin.
I always have something I want to write - my head is full of thoughts that are screaming to get out, like children rushing out of the building after the bell has rung to signal the end of a school day.
What can one do? Simple, let them out. Whoever comes out first, is out.
I am better, getting better at dealing with life (most importantly daily life) and separating my emotions from situations (it would be a life long undertaking, that I am gradually accepting), and although I am almost always tired from lack of proper sleep, I am so proud to say that I have been standing up in the morning for the longest time (yay!) without thinking I would have rather not woken up - ever.
I cannot help being a bit misty-eyed because I write this without much obsessing about how I am going to come across, who will read this, who will not read this. Simple, but oh so fulfilling. It is just me SoulCasting.
I think, I have written along these lines before in a blog or in a comment so many times. I am not sure anymore how many times. The relentless, incessant years of depression have rendered my brain with holes that I am just beginning to tender to again. On my own tempo. One step forward, two steps back. Never surrendering, only taking a pause to breathe from time to time.
What is the purpose of this blog redundancy? Perhaps a way to patch up the holes in my brain. A positive written reinforcement of what I am experiencing - healing, surviving, forging on, forgiving, letting go, accepting, loving, living.
The story of my life: when I start enjoying the warm shine of the sun, the rain trickles on my face like spit from above the sky... LOL ... sigh ... I am learning to accept the rain as blessing in diguise... ~~~~~~~~~~ every cloud has a silver lining, every rain is a blessing... for by being wet we learn to watch the weather forecast to be prepared for the storms ...
I am happy I survived the start of the year. Some of you here have read about my being in the hospital. I still treasure the words that were left in Piet´s blog for me (for us) for that time by SoulCast friends.
I am foregoing linking to blogs somewhat chronicling the episode because I would not want to stop the flow of my thoughts. In another blog, in another time, I would find peace of mind to talk about it. In my own time.
As much as I want to skip the process, I need to seek out another therapist/psychiatrist. I wish, I could deal with my depression solely with meditation, nutrition, change of lifestyle and the support of family and friends.
Well, in all honesty, I still have this wishful thinking that my life would be depression free with a flick of a magical wand.
*In the background, my still husband is very angry about something (what can I say, it´s Sunday) - I am trying my best to just shut him out of my thoughts and my heart. I will never be able to make him happy and anger-free, no matter what I do, this much I have realised after 15 years of knowing him. And no matter how I beg, talk sensibly, threaten... *name it, I have done it* ... it is simply an exercise in futility...[[[blocks out negative energy]]] ...
... 2 hours later (drafts are cool) he is calm and normal again... I wonder why I still cling on the hope, he will find peace someday soon, and the calmness will not be an exceptional condition but a permanent state - if not for his sake, than for the girls...well, I have always been a closet optimist :) ... ******* he is not my cross to carry , he is responsible for his own happiness ******* "
11 hours passed since I started writing this blog in draft...in many sporadic stages...(life in between had to be attended to... )
Mostly, post like these would remain in my head, never to be written (good days simply acknowledge and archived as a fleeting memory).
Usually, posts like these remains "unfinished" in draft mode.
Often, I wish I could post blogs like these within 10 minutes. . . everyday. . . like uncluttering my brain, calming my nerves kinda ritual...
In rare occasions, like these, I simply do not dwell on anything ... there is only SoulCasting... sharing to you SoulCast friend my thoughts, sending positive energy your way . . . thanking the universe I could share and can be a part of the circle of sharing...
Wishing you all a lovely evening . . . and wishing no matter what, you won´t give up on life, love and friendship... I am thankful, I did not - that...
Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight
Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there
And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky
Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true
And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky
Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true
