I'd love to be working right now.  It would make me feel usefull.  It would also pass the time for me.  I'm kind of bored just sitting around.  I guess that's why I'm blogging to pass the time.  See, I'm waiting on an appeal hearing for SSDI and SSI.  I tried to go back to work instead and lasted only less than 4 hours actually working.  It kind of sucks.  I'm so fed up with being broke all of the time.  I was used to working until I couldn't handle my illness anymore.  I even wonder from all of the taunting if people wanted me to not work.  What about what I want?  Is $637 or just a tad more going to cover everything that I need?  I know that I can collect some food stamps, but still..........wtf?  Why is life working against me?  I know that if this appeal falls through I am going to look for work despite my illness and despite doctor's views on it.  I want to work.  I want to be independant.  If I get the SSDI or SSI, someone else has to take care of my money because of my past with running up the two credit cards that I had.  I know that I made the mistakes.  I would love more than anything to have control over my own money.  Not having control would make me feel like a two year old kid.  This situation sucks big fat zit infested ass.  (not my ass though)  Oh well.  I have to just play it by ear.  There's a bright side to the SSDI thing.  If I get the back pay, I can ask them to pay off most of my school loan with it so it's easier to cope with on top of the credit card bills.  See, I can declare bankruptcy if need be.  The school loan wouldn't go away with that.  The credit card debt would.  At least I tried.  That's all I can say.  I have to do something about all of this crazy shit inside and around me.  So far all of the medication I have been on hasn't made my life function properly.  I'll never be ok, I guess.