its been a week since ive written.  i think i just felt numb.  the words wouldn't come it all just seemed meaningless.  but i guess it's not.  im just putting down the things i think about all the time.  i made a decision...

my son has until june till graduation.  i know that i'm not going anywhere until he does that.  no matter what the asswhole does i've always still been here.  so i am going to stay until i have that open door to freedom.  then, im gonna be smiling as i walk out the door.  i've talked to him some during the week.  talked to him because i'm just so tired of being angry.  he came into my bed the other night when he got off work.  and he kissed me and i could smell beer.  i said nothing.  the next night.........i purposely woke and asked for a kiss...just to make sure i was right.........and there was beer on his breath again.  oh he tried to hold his breath.  who kisses and holds their breath??? i again said nothing.  when the time came, i told him that i now realize it will never be different.  reminded him not to kid himself and walked away.  it doesn't matter.  there's no feeling there.  oh yeah...when i said he came to my bed.......there was no sex involved.  there never is....i cannot allow that to happen cause then he thinks everything is ok.  i miss it.  but i don't miss it with him. 

i kept dreaming about my friend last night.  over and over i would wake up to dreams of him.  i guess he keeps running through my mind.  i wanted to call him at 1am.  i wanted to tell him, but i didn't do it.  i think about him...too much.  i haven't seen him in a week.  i miss him.  i don't know what to say to him anyway. i guess it will come to me then, it really doesn't matter. 

oh im so tired of this life.  i think i think about him because things here are so bad.  i guess it's not so bad to excape in your dreams.  when i think about it, i've been unhappy my whole life.  on the outside no one would ever know.  i have that dazzling smile that fools everyone.  i wonder if anyone can see beyond that.  it's been plastered to my face for so long. i've got them all fooled. 

but i got my boys from him.  and they make me happy....so proud.  i know those smiles are genuine.  i miss my college boy, maybe he will come home next weekend.  but it goes so quick.  but just to see his smile would be ok.  this is life. 

it's going by too fast.  does anyone else notice this?  another week...so fast. 

today is dad's birthday.  i'm gonna go make him an apple pie.  it's his favorite.  and then the smiles will be genuine too.  and dinner with mom and dad. i wonder if they think about how fast life has gone by.  it will be a good day.  a day when you forget the other stuff.

my guy is playing in brooklyn today.  i would have gone to their show but dad's birthday is more important....he's getting older...god ....

gonna go make a pie