My husband and I argued last night… he was extremely drunk. He was antagonizing me and I could see that he was in the mood to fight hours before. I told him that I was not going to argue because he was drunk… He becomes aggressive when he drinks so I was feeling a little anxious and wanted to avoid a confrontation.
I showered and got into bed. I was really just trying to avoid a very unnecessary fight with a drunk, who couldn’t actually string a coherent sentence together. Besides, I have been here before many times and I know how unpleasant it is.
He came into the bedroom, pulled the covers off me and told me that we were going to talk. I felt very irritated and told him were to get off. He straddled me and pinned my arms to the bed at my wrists, he was hurting me. I told him to get off me and go to bed, but he said he was not moving until I answered some questions.
I was crying now but I decided that I was not going to allow him to bully me… I turned my face so that I did not have to look at him. I told myself to stop crying and not show him I was weak and scared. He demanded that I look at him and started saying it over and over again…getting more and more annoyed with me. He was squeezing my wrists so hard, it hurt and I told him he was hurting me...he said I was lying. I had a very short look at his face, it was repulsive…his teeth were clenched, he looked enraged. He was talking through his clenched teeth…asking me the same question over and over.
I panicked and tried to get him off me, for the first time in our relationship of 14 years I actually felt that he might loose control and hit me. He held me down even harder now, it was so painful… Fuck, I thought he was going to hit me...
He kept asking me the same thing… I didn’t have an answer for him. I eventually said that I didn’t know… He kept screaming… hate me now?? Hate me now?? Hate me now?? He was mocking me...arse-hole.
I don’t know what happened but he let go of my arms and left the room, I locked the door. I was afraid that might piss him off again, so I unlocked it.
I don’t know if I can tell my therapist this…I feel that every time we discuss my husband he dismisses anything negative, I doubt myself at times…but I know in heart that the things he has done are not right...regardless of what my therapist says. I don’t think he believes my husband is capable of being sadistic. It pisses me off actually...
This is not the first time this has happened, the last time was far less intense but I had more bruises… on my wrists, my chest and legs because I had been flirting with another man at a function we attended. It was short, I started the argument...he lashed out and it was over in seconds…I didn’t tell my therapist about the bruises and minimized the intensity of the argument…don’t know why I did that? I am feeling anxious about my session on Monday because I know I must talk about this…but I don’t think I can…I don’t think he will believe me anyway…
I hate him; I keep seeing that ugly, contorted face in my mind.
