And I'm wide awake. Because I just had a dream, and I don't know what it means. I can't even begin to look at what it means right now. But it woke me up.
I'm not going to try to explain my relationship with my father, except to say that I was always an embarassment to him, the 'powerful, rich man'. Well, powerful rich man until 5 years ago, when he and my brother, the other powerful rich man of the family, lost the family buisness and all their money to a slick operator.
This was part of an ongoing dream I've been having in the middle of the night for what i think is a month now. It's the beginning of the summer, and for some reason, I was going to live with my parents. It made financial sense for me somehow. They had a separate space to the large house they lived in, and I was going to take that. Well, in my dream, I was talking to my mother about moving in and this and that, I don't even remember what. That's when I found out that my cousin and some guy I have no idea who he was, lived in that space, and they were sort of 'taking over'. My mom wanted me to have the space, but she was talking about how the guy was taking over, and was telling her how to decorate, etc. She was nearly in tears over the matter, afraid to tell him that they had to leave because I was coming, when I said 'but mom, you own the house!'. I was so confused when she started laughing histarically. she got up on top of a cofee table, and just started laughing and dancing, saying over and over 'I own the house!'.
Just then my father came in. He started talking to her, I only heard the first sentence, it had something to do with his job. Since I've barely spoken to my parents in 3 years, I didn't know what he was doing nowadays. I left the room and closed the door behind me. I went to the refrigerator, which I was thinking to myself that I supplied, and remembered the washing machine that I supplied too, when my dad came in and told me his story. He said that he had been working at radio shack. He had been doing odd jobs for them. He said 'I do things like paint. I stick the brush in the paint and slap it on the wall'. I sort of looked away and said 'yeah, I've had jobs like that'. Then I was standing by the sink, and my mom was there, and a bunch of people I don't know, but they felt like family members, and he started saying things about how he lost his job, but I didn't understand any of the references he was making. It seems that his immediate boss, who he didn't like, told him to do something, and he made some rude comments about the man's sexuality, and they started arguing, and dad got fired. And as I stood there, for the first time in my life, I saw my father humbled, truely humbled, smiling that smile of despairation, and I was even more confused. I'd never seen an expression, or action like that from him. And then the scene changed. We were in what must have been a church basement, standing in front of a small stage, and my father was sitting on the edge, and music started. It was black spiritual, and everybody started singing except me. I was standing by my father, and he reached out and took my hand and looked at me. I immediately pulled away. I said 'don't touch me! I've been where you are before. And every time I was there, you kicked my ass!' suddenly he had turned into an open faced doll house, and as I was backing away from it, I was pointing my outstreched arm at him and shouting 'so don't you ask for comfort from me! don't you DARE ask for comfort from me!' by this time the room was silent, and all the people were looking, and knowing exactly what I was talking about. And then I woke up.
I'm not even sure I want to look at what this dream means. And there is imagry that I've left out. There were things in each of the rooms of the doll house, but I couldn't really make out what they were, because my eyes were tearing up.
It must be a very disturbing dream, because it's 3am, and I'm wide awake.
