• MissMimi said on Sep 18, 2008....

  {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}  I know how this hurts, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  For thirty years plus, my husband has made cutting little remarks (and some not so little), always followed by, "Awww. come on, I was just teasing."  Not funny.

• FutureGoddess said on Sep 18, 2008....

  Thanks Mimi- I love my father more than anything, but he just doesn't realize what he says cuts sharper than any knife out there.  I was always, since I can remember, being told: "you're just too sensative". 

• secretlife said on Sep 18, 2008....

  awww FG.......i'm sorry he hurt you.
   
  My mom is like your dad.  When i'm feeling generous, i call her "blunt".  When I'm not I call her mean and yes, i've also called her cruel.
   
  She's always been one to speak before considering the feelings of others- and it hurts more than a slap in the face for sure.
   
  I don't think her words will ever stop having the ability to hurt me.  But I do know that nowadays I'm more apt to tell her "hey mom, that really hurts me".
   
  Do I think she'll change? 
   
  Not a chance.  She's 82.
   
  Do I feel better?
   
  eh, depends on the day.
   
   
  {{{{{hugs}}}}}}

• SeanRenaud said on Sep 18, 2008....

  I know this is utterly crass but seriously, why don't you guys have thicker skin after about the first decade or so?

• tonibell said on Sep 18, 2008....

  Try not to let it get ya downnnn..........He would say the same things to anyone who was his daughter ( it's not you, It's him!)

• uniquely-ironic said on Sep 18, 2008....

  yes, abuse doesn't come just from spouses.  Your dad is a bully and I don't even pretend to understand why.  I'm sorry.  The sick part is that because he's a parent, we never seem to be able to stop wanting to make our parents proud of us, no matter how sickly they behave.

• FutureGoddess said on Sep 18, 2008....

  Sean - read UI's very astute comment.  If you had said the same thing he had said to me, I would have laughed, or called you a jerk.  But this is my father.  The man whom i have tried for 41 years to be "good enough" for. I know he loves me, and I love him but he just doesn't get it.  And Secret  - no, he will never change.  He's 70 years old. 
   Toni - he doesnt' do it to my twin sister....

• truthsayer said on Sep 18, 2008....

  Here's what the NT says about the tongue in the book of James (along with many other verses in the NT):

   

  Jas 3:8

  But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

  Jas 3:9

  Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.

  Jas 3:10

  Out of the mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.

  Jas 3:11

  Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?

  Jas 3:12 

  Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.

   

  There is much written about this in the OT as well.  For instance, Proverbs says that it is wicked to say hurtful things to someone and then turn, like a cowardly fool, and say that we were 'just kidding'. 

  It is true wisdom to disregard their hurtful words and just know that they only want you to feel as miserable inside as they do.  It is, after all, the issue of THEIR heart.  Just make sure that the issue of your heart is good, loving and true, and then your speech will be as well. 

  Love y'all.

  Truthsayer

• truthsayer said on Sep 18, 2008....

  If it helps FutureGoddess, then remember that he may see more of himself, in you.  Abuse is the gift that keeps on "giving"...but do your best not to receive it. 
   
  I picture an armor, that the enemy (not your father, not flesh and blood) has found a way in through...a weak place, or a little space between the plates, so to speak.  Your father is just the tool in the hands of the one that truly wants to hurt you.
   
  The sad part, as you say, is that he is your father.  The one that you look up to and desire his attention, his love and his respect.  Sean has a good dad, don't you Sean?  So it may be hard for him to understand.  Abuse hurts.  Words can hurt when they are from someone that is supposed to build you up, not tear you down.
   
  Anyway, I hope some of this helps.  You just have to see him as he is, and stop hoping for more...at least for now.  If you believe in Jesus, you have found your true Father, your Abba/Daddy/Papa anyway...and there are no grandchildren.  Your dad needs the same Abba/Daddy/Papa too. 
   
  Was there cruelty in his childhood?  A father or mother that wounded him first?  He learned to do this "bullying" from someone.  Remember, it is the gift that keeps on giving...until we refuse to pass it on.
   
  Bless you,
   
  Truthsayer

• Battycat said on Sep 18, 2008....

  My mother has been that way with me for 40 odd years, it eats away at you and destroys your confidence, I don't think she even realises she's doing it. I can sympathise. I was always told I was over sensitive and she didn't mean it, but she did, I think you always know. 

• SeanRenaud said on Sep 18, 2008....

  I have a good relationship with my parents.  Now granted this may or may not be the situation with the people here, but I've NEVER met anybody who had problems with their parents that weren't largely caused by them. 

  And I can't understand why after multiple decades why people wouldn't develope thick skin. 

• FutureGoddess said on Sep 18, 2008....

  Truth - thank you -

  Batty - thank you as well

  Sean - and thank you - your opinion is most appreciated, however, the problems that I have with my father, whom I love dearly (and I cannot stress that enough) stem not from me, but from him and the way he was raised as well as the fact that I am not the same as my sister and brother and needed to be raised differently.  I love my dad, but sometimes I just think that I was not treated the way I needed to be treated to thrive all of the time... not his fault - just the way he was raised. 

• SeanRenaud said on Sep 18, 2008....

  That's why I said it may not be the case here.  I mean my ex and her mother fight continually but never once in 8 years have I seen her just say I'm sorry your right, instead of escalating it.  My best friend and me ended up being late for something because it wasn't his turn to take out the trash, I couldn't take out the trash because I was a guest, he wouldn't take out the trash because it wasn't his turn and the principle of it and we were going to walk past the dumpster on the way to his car anyway.   I can go on and on but I've never one seen a situation that wasn't a matter of either the child not knowing their place, or b being really over sensitive.  Every case is unique though.

• skald said on Sep 18, 2008....

  I think that your dad must feel badly him self and therefore he does this but it is no excuse because i know when you get this constantly it tears you down and old wounds open. I am so sorry. 

• FutureGoddess said on Sep 18, 2008....

  Sean - I understand what you are saying - but this is definitely a different case.  This has nothing to do with me being a good, dutiful daughter.  It has nothing to do with me not trying as hard as I can to do everything he has ever wanted me to do even if I didn't want to do it, including following a career path that I thought he would be happy if I followed and it wasn't for me.  It has to do with his idea of what constitutes "constructive" criticism (which BTW is a misnomer - there is no such thing as constructive criticism on "destructive criticism").  And there is a real probelem with people saying "oh, you are just too sensative".  BULL SHIT!  You are either sensative or insensative - not too or too little. 

• FutureGoddess said on Sep 18, 2008....

  Skald - I think you are right..

• chrisevans129 said on Sep 18, 2008....

  usually history repeats itself and maybe your dad wasn't shown love and kindness while he was growing up.  i know it doesn't take away any of your hurt feelings, and don't ever let yourself feel that you are "too sensitive."
   
  it's admirable that you sought help from a therapist....good for you!!!!

• FutureGoddess said on Sep 18, 2008....

  Hi Chris - thanks for your comment;  Very intelligent comment as it is exactly what my therapists said.  :)

• Fallyn said on Sep 18, 2008....

  sean......i cannot believe that this is always the fault of the child.
  
  i have a friend who is in her 50's now....she is still trying to get past the fact that her whole family wishes she'd died as an infant. her mother would sit by and laugh as her older brother (11 year age difference) would sexually molest her and try to kill her from the time she was born.
  she was NEVER allowed to make a single complaint or she'd be locked outside, or locked in her room.
  
  now...this may be more extreme than what future goddess is talking about....but my point is....at what point are you making the statement that treatment by a parent is the childs fault? ....is it a childs fault when at 2 years old a dad is making cruel jokes? ..is it a childs fault when at 2 a brother is trying to rape and kill you and your mother stands by and laughs? at what point does it become the childs fault?
  
  were you ever actually a kid??
  
  my dad makes jokes that can be pretty mean.....it's the way he was raised. i can tell he doesn't know any better, cause he wasn't parented properly.
  does it hurt? HELL YEAH.
  what is it i'm doing wrong????? do i keep it going? no.....i just shrug it off.
  so how exactly is it my fault??
  
  do you have kids???
  

• Twylarants said on Sep 18, 2008....

  It took many years for me to accept the fact that, as bad  as my parents were, they did the best they could do. Their best sucked, but it was the best they could do. They simply could not be good parents, they didn't have it in them. They had no parenting skills.
  Neither of them was abused. They both had loving parents. They didn't love each other and they didn't like kids. I'm sure they loved us, didn't want any harm to come to us, but that was the extent of it.
  FG, it sounds as though your father has questionable social skills. My father never spoke to me unless it was a sarcastic remark about me or my kids. But he spoke to everyone that way, he wasn't able to socialize normally.
  The last time he did that was in my own home, at the dining table on Easter Sunday.
  I stood up, walked over to his chair, picked up his plate, and took it to the kitchen. He followed me with this incredulous look on his face. "What are you doing?"
  "Throwing you out of my house. Come back when you learn to respect me."
  We didn't become close until just before he died, but he never said another unkind word about me or my family again.
  The funny thing was, my mother just kept on eating.
  
  Two things I thank my father for; one is my thick skin. No one can insult me.
  The other is the way I treat people. I never make anyone the butt of jokes.
  
  
  

• Fallyn said on Sep 18, 2008....

  twy, wow....that must have taken guts. that is awesome. i don't think i could ever do that.

• FutureGoddess said on Sep 19, 2008....

  Fallyn and Twyla - thanks - you are both right - I know my father did and is doing the best he can, but sometimes it's just not good enough.  I know he loves me, but his methods of showing it are not the same methods I would use. 

  But, I love him dearly and have spent the bulk of my life trying to please him in some way - problem is it doesn't work.  And after writing this rant, I felt better knowing that I wasn't the only one who has gone through this.  My version may not be "horrible" from the outsider looking in, but to me it was.. and this is what I am working on trying to forgive. 

• Mamie said on Sep 19, 2008....

  I know where you are coming from. I cannot remember how old I was when I finally had had enough of my step father, but at some point, I drew a line and told him so. He never crossed it again. I remember thinking it was going to impact my young daughter at the time and I was not going to stand for it.
  Think about it, draw the line. Step over it and announce your new intention and never look back....your dad will get over himself and eventually things will be wonderful. good luck!

• blogacious said on Sep 19, 2008....

  I know it's very difficult when someone you love - especially a parent - is abusive. I used to feel that somehow, I had to take it. She's my mom, has done so much for me..etc...etc. It took me a long time to realize that regardless of being my mom, of sacrificing for me, of raising me, and providing for me -- none of that entitles her to abuse me - either verbally or physically. I am a human being - not an object.
   
  So, even though I still love her and always will, I moved far away. I did not visit her for quite some time. I called once in a while. Over time she started to miss me. I lived my life, called but still didn't visit. She got over her pissy attitude in time. She's very loving now. But I will never allow her to have that kind of abusive power over me again. No parent - no authority figure for that matter - ever has the right to do that. I'm not saying other people have to do what I did. I'm just saying that a person's wellbeing comes first and never has to be sacrficed for anyone to abuse - not even family.

• Fallyn said on Sep 19, 2008....

  i've made mistakes, i've yelled at my kids...been too hard on them not been hard enough. etc. but i really can't say i've ever been cruel.
  i try to apologize too when i've messed up.
  some peole think it's wrong to apologize to a child. but i can't see why.
  
  the only times my parents have ever apoligized to me it's been with an attitude of either sarcasm, or martyrdom.....like i'm expecting too much.
  

• SeanRenaud said on Sep 19, 2008....

  I kinda glossed over the rest of these comments cus honestly the first response was particularly upsetting and shows the problem and I should have mentioned this earlier.
   
  You're in your 50's, your family wishes you died and you still interact with them why?  I don't even have bad blood with my family and I speak to most members an average of 6 times a year.  (Christmas, My B-Day, their B-Day, Thanksgiving and two random or can you help me with. . .) and that's about it most years and it's nto because somebody wishes I was dead or vice versea, there just isn't much to talk about.  WTF is the reason to maintain contact at all? 
   
  It's like the girl I know/knew who's boyfriend was abusive and she'd always come complaining about he cheated on her, he told her she was fat, he told her she was lucky he paid her bills at all blah blah blah.  And it went on for about two years at which point I told her until and unless you're going to both walk away and let me kick his ass I don't care.  You have this problem because want this problem.  Again this situation isn't universal (and some of you are expressing that this is only with the Father) but to a woman in her 50's who'se family clearly has some major disfunction, walk the fuck away or quit complaining because it's the road in life you chose.

• Fallyn said on Sep 21, 2008....

  sean its because so incredibly much damage was done to the psyche as a tiny child that you don't know boundaries. she has trouble she is worth anything to anyone.
  THIS is the power that a mother can have over a child WELL into adulthood.
  this is the reason she's trying to get help.
   
  and this is why i say that "sane" people have NO compassion.
  if you haven't experienced your own mind and experiences betraying you....then you have NO CLUE what it is like to live with a mental illness........be it genetic, or environmental in nature.

• Fallyn said on Sep 21, 2008....

  i got out of an abusive realationship......but i was in it for a DECADE.
  it took that long to realize that i had enough power to do something about it.
  i truly truly believed i was powerless.
   
  if you don't believe you HAVE any choices how can you therefor MAKE a choice?

• SeanRenaud said on Sep 21, 2008....

  if you don't believe you HAVE any choices how can you therefor MAKE a choice?
   
  Truth?  In my experience you don't.  And it pisses me off more than I can accurately put into words.

• porcelain said on Aug 07, 2009....

  I'm very sorry you have such a terrible relationship with your father. Some people say the way you relate to your father affects the way you relate to all other men. I hope this does not invite more negativity into your life.

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