I sleep on the sofa still.  I have a special way with the cushions and pillows that mimics me laying on his chest after a glass of Fuki (thank you Renee, I needed that).  It's a little softer than I am used to, but when I close my eyes I feel his chest and hear the beating of his heart before I drift away to sleep.

 

I ache for him.  It is growing stronger now with each day but I ache for him.  His soft lips, piercing eyes, muscular build- I long for his touch.  I remember every curve of every part and every mole and every vein and everything of him.  He was perfect physically as well as mentally and spiritually.  I am missing his physical now- his intimate physical. 

 

His bedroom eyes call me.  I see him standing there, waiting for me.  I know what is in store before it begins.  I will never feel that touch or see those eyes or feel him wanting me. 

 

He came to me in a dream the other night.  I knew it was a dream while I was in the dream, but I didn't want to wake up.  I was at home with a house full of people.  The children were running around talking and I just wanted to hear the ringback on his phone.  He used to have a nice song playing when you called his phone- instead of the normal ringing.  I heard the first few bars of the ong and immediately felt relieved.  Then he answered.  This is when I knew it was a dream because I knew I had his phone disconnected and I knew he was dead and I didn't expect him to answer- but HE ANSWERED!

 

I felt the tears on my face as I was asking "Who is this?"  And he said "You know who this is."  We went back and forth again before he said my name and I wanted to enjoy this moment in my dream, hearing my husbands voice.  I yelled at the children in the house to be quiet so I could hear him better, but I couldn't tell them he was on the phone because the wouldn't believe me and I didn't know how much longer this dream would last and I wanted to savor my moment with him....

 

"Where are you?"  I had asked him.  He laughed his usual way and said "You know where I am."   I repeated it again and he repeated it again.  I could tell he was smiling, I heard it in his voice.  He could hear my happiness and joy over the phone as well.  I asked him if he was in Davidson (his hometown, where his family lives- if he wasn't home or at work, that's where he was, also where he is buried).  He simply said my name again, and "You know where I am."  The tears were flowing down my face now and everyone in the house could tell sopmething was going on.  They all quited down to try to hear what I was saying on the phone. 

 

He said so simple and plain "Come see me."  I repeated it to him in a question- "Come see you?", and he said again "Come see me.  Bring the kids with you". I asked if he wanted to see the kids, and he said "Yes, bring the kids with you."  The children began to get excited because we were going somewhere- not knowing who I was talking to.   They were talking loudly and I wanted to make sure I heard correctly.  "Are you at your Mom's house?"  I asked him.  He just kept saying "You know where I am, come see me and bring the kids with you."  I started running around the house with the phone to my ear trying to get the kids together to get to him, and I woke up. 

 

I was in tears when I woke up, and that whole day I was miserable.  I didn't know if he was telling me to come see him from the grave, but the kids had school and I didn't want to keep them from school because I had a dream.  I felt horrible about it, and I have not dreamed (that I can remember) since then.  He called for me and I didn't listen- again. 

 

I love you baby- and I miss you.  Come to me again.