" The only way I can help you, is when I am going away from you"

He said this... .. and I feel so hopeless...what can I say? What can I do?

He is leaving me, My caos is too much negativity, he has been the one pulling the heavy load.. everything has been about me and my crashes over and over again.

He has been pushing me, draging me, kicking my "a.." Trying to wake me up.

But still I have not come as far as I should have done, and what ever has been between us has been sadly draged in the dirt of my caos..

Through all this caos, all the madness and my in darkness, he has been a diamond shining, holding me when I cried, understanding when noone else understood, and I never really had to say any words, he knew anyway.

Never, ever have I been deeper in the "sh.." and never have I ever felt so close to finding the way... I can somehow feel it but not yet touch it.... but it is too late...

He is going away now and there seems to be nothing that I can do about it.

Maybe it is time for him to go now... Maybe he has done what he came in my life for..

Maybe it is here he has to leave me to walk the rest of the way on my own...

But it hurts so much... and it feels so wrong that I never got the chance to give anything back to him for all that he has done...

My thoughts are going in circles... one moment I am crying, in a other I am smiling remembering all the sweet things..

It is so, so empty now......