• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Sep 16, 2008....

  
  (((huggies)))
  
  I hope writing helped you release some of the hurt and disappointment you are feeling, dear Kyle. 
  
  Words cuts deep specially from someone you care for.  Even the non-verbal ones (such as not answering or communicating back, whether through silence or not replying) does not hurt less.
  
  Communication is not an easy to master even for people who have been together for a long time.
  
  You are a good friend, and your real friends are aware of that,I am sure.  And I know they will be mighty sorry once they are out of the funk and have cleared their heads and realize what they did :( (I am speaking third person plural for lack of better way to do it :( ).
  
  I don´t know if this is a "funny" coincidence but I just blogged somewhat vaguely (as always *sigh*) about pushing people away - specially those who love me most, when I am in need.  I don´t know if it will help, telling you, I feel so stupid doing it but I can´t help myself :(.
  
  But because of how patient people have been, I have really tried to better my communication.
  
  I think, this is what sends me to this irrational behaviour, when I am miserable, and when family, friends and love ones offer help I feel embarassed about my helplessness and neediness.  I want them to still love me and be there for me but at the same time, I hate feeling the need for them.  It does not make sense, and seems so childish and egocentric.  Would it help to know, I despise myself more than anyone could possibly do?  For me, in this time of funk, my behaviour is like my silent scream for... "you could not possibly stand me, when I cannot even stand myself!"... and whosssh I push....
  
  I remember receiving an email from my aunt, whose feelings I have hurt from lack of communication.  I was really not aware how much I was hurting her because my visions were blurred by my own crisis and hurt.  Her words shook me.  It was honest and even worded nicely (see, she was still being considerate of me).  She has always been there for me but I have confused her with my behaviour, it drove her to write words to release her own frustrations.
  
  I am sorry, I am rambling.
  
  I don´t want you to hurt.  I am sorry you are.  I could only suggest to write your friend to let them know of your feelings.  A written declaration of your emotions would be a help for them to acknowledge your hurt once they are over their problems.
  
  It is easy, so easy to cut the communication lines.  But nothing is learned from it, no one is helped by it.  I am not telling you to be sacrificial and martyr.  But I know how frustrating it is not to know what to do in both sides.  It is sad to lose or let go of a friend.  It is sad to lose and be let go as a friend :( ...
  
  *sigh*
  
  I hope everything turns out well (in the end it always does, remember?...i remember your friend at work, who in the end apologised to you, remember that situation... i am sure you do... realising later on he was having his own pyschological problems, which you only had an inkling to but never realised).
  
  i wish you well, always
  
  paper ~
  
  
  

• uniquely-ironic said on Sep 16, 2008....

  I've found that when a person won't be budged from a foul mood there's nothing you can do to help them out of it.  All you can do is wait and sit with them.

• hinana said on Sep 16, 2008....

  wow. im exactly like that =O

  ive called myself an emotional chameleon cause i always pick up moods that are around me wether i try or not.

  i thik the only thing we can really do is keep trying without being invasive..or just back up but let it be known that if they do ever want cheering up youl be there fro them

• wishyouwerehere said on Sep 16, 2008....

  E-T - I can really identify with a lot of what you wrote.  In fact, I just had a similar conversation with one of my students.  She was having a hard time understanding that some of the people we treat don't actually want to get well, and even after they refuse our help, they blame us because they are still having pain or problems.  It is so hard not to internalize this, but try and place your worth in being a resource, not a solution.  Offer your hope and your comfort and judge your success in "being a good person" by the fact that you reached out, and not by whether or not the other person chooses to accept.
   
  I hope you are feeling better - Wish

• kruuyai said on Sep 16, 2008....

  I think that, unless someone is about to commit suicide or otherwise harm themselves or others, you have to respect their wish to be left alone.  Some people are introverts and work things out better on their own.  Sometimes, it's not that people don't want to cheer up, but that they can't.  If their mood is brought on by a chemical imbalance, the only thing that's going to change that is either meds or a dietary change.  Or maybe some serious meditation.  But just being cheery around them, or trying to get them to see the bright side is useless.  I've been there, and even when everything in my life was great, and/or all my problems had solutions, it didn't alter my mood.

• travelr712 said on Sep 16, 2008....

  your last sentence was the best one imo. you're just you, and if someone appreciates that, they've made a friend for life. i know how much you want to make everything better for everyone. maybe a couple things you're not remembering is the times you've made things better for me. you really helped me in times that i needed it and there was no one else.
   
  but you're right about another thing. sometimes people just don't want to be helped, at least not right then. sometimes you just have to sit by and watch as they decend into that pit, because that's the only way they can pull the crap out and get rid of it. and sometimes it's really hard to tell which one you're supposed to do, leave them, or keep trying. emotional situations are like that.
   
  so i'd say, don't give up trying to help people. i don't think you could even if you try. just maybe try not to put so much of your own emotional attachment into the outcome of the immediate situation?

• the_infernal_optimist said on Sep 16, 2008....

  You already know my thoughts on this, I think. You're a damned good friend, and anyone who abuses that or doesn't appreciate it, doesn't deserve to have it in the first place.
  
  ~Infernal
  

• Lucytorial said on Sep 16, 2008....

  Some people only know how to deal with life in a miserable way Kyle, best to remember that you are not misreable and they enjoy being it so leave them be a while.
   
  I don't think its easy not feeling as though you are appreciated as a friend but know in yourself that you are a good person, that you at least try and care. 

• evil_twin said on Sep 16, 2008....

  paper--Thank you for your comment :-) I guess since I've been on both sides of the equation,  I should be more understanding when someone pushes me away. I just let my own feelings cloud my judgment. But I know people have reasons for doing what they do, and I just take it too personal. I try really hard though not to push people back anymore. Because I see how it hurts them. And having gone through the same thing with someone else doing it to me, I really know how much it sucks. But I think I just need to be more understanding. And I will be.
  
  uniquely--I think you're right. I wish I had realized that sooner.
  
  hinana--It's hard sometimes when other people's moods affect you too. Because not only do I honestly want them to feel better, but I want to feel better too. I think that's why I'm so obsessed with trying to fix everything for everyone.
  
  wishy--That is a better way to look at it. I have to remember that at least I tried, and if someone isn't wanting anything from me, I need to just accept that. And not turn it around and make it about me not being good enough.
  
  Kruu--You're right. I suppose I should have just left well enough alone and not tried to force myself into the situation. I guess I just have a fear of having a person say, "leave me alone" and then I walk away, and it turns out what they really wanted was for someone to prove they cared enough to stay. It gets tricky. And I often don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. But I guess in the future, I'll just do what they say they want me to do. Because I can't fix everything, even if I try really hard.
  
  Trav--It is hard to know whether to stay or go. I don't want to be seen as giving up too easily, but I don't want to be seen as a pain in the ass either. But I do need to accept that not everyone wants my help all the time. Because some things are beyond my fixing. And I guess I really should focus myself more on the people who I have helped. I always forget all about that when I feel like I've failed to help EVERYONE. But you're right, I can't stop trying even if I want to. I just need to give people more space if they need it.
  
  Infernal--Thank you :-) I really do try my hardest to be a good friend. I know no one's perfect, and we all make mistakes. I just need to be more forgiving of my own mistakes and not assume I'm a hopeless jerk when it comes to friendships, just because something doesn't turn out like I planned.
  
  Lucy--You're right that sometimes people just want to be left alone to their misery, so they can work it out on their own. I need stop trying to be a superhero I guess. But I do hope I'm a good person, even if I botch things up sometimes in the name of trying to help.
  
  
  
  
  

• Lucytorial said on Sep 16, 2008....

  You're a lovely and funny super hero... although honey I'd buy some new underwear... looks like you've been fighting cat women!
   
  LOL

• Mr_Box said on Sep 16, 2008....

  You really can't please everyone, all of the time. It's just impossible. And that doesn't make you a bad friend because you can't always do that. 
  
  
  And sometimes people do just want to be left alone. It doesn't necessarily mean they're mad at you though. Or that they think you're useless. It just means that whatever it is they're going through, they don't feel like talking about it.
  
  
  I'm the same as you though. I tend to push myself into situations because I want to help, even if no one asked me to. But I do usually go away when someone tells me to. Because I figure they'll either work it out on their own, or they just don't want to feel better at all. So why waste my breath?
  
  
  I just know that you are a very good friend. And even if you don't always feel like you do the right things, anyone worth having as a friend, will look past that and understand your motivation was only to help.
  
  
  Just don't give up trying with everyone because that would be a shame.

• Twylarants said on Sep 16, 2008....

  Kyle, some of us just aren't good at sharing our problems with others, no matter how close of a bond we feel we have with them. I'm one of those people, and I've been called selfish, cold, and stubborn. I'm none of those things, I'm a very nice person. But I'm a very private person and when I'm unhappy there's a reason for it. There's something so wrong, that I can't cheer up until I've thought it through and dealt with it, alone. I'd hate to think a friend's happiness rests on me being happy all the time. People have to be allowed to have down times. It's human nature to feel blue now and then. I don't even like the fact that someone knows I'm unhappy. I hate being asked "what's wrong?". Maybe your friend is like me and doesn't want you to focus on them so much. Maybe he or she is just a private person.
  
  

• evil_twin said on Sep 16, 2008....

  Lucy--Thank you :-) But you're right, this superhero needs new underwear!
  
  Mr. Box--I guess you're right that even if I don't always do the right things, a real friend will understand my motivation. I guess I just feel bad when that happens, and think I need to be a better friend and more understanding. I won't give up trying though. I don't know how to do that. But I guess I'll just make sure I tone it down when they want me to.
  
  Twyla--I know you're right. Some people really are uncomfortable sharing. This particular friend isn't usually like that though. I think that's why it confused me so much. Normally they are very willing to share and want my help. So I think I just refused to believe they really wanted me to leave them alone. But I guess this time, that really is what they wanted. And now I know better than to force it. I also don't expect everyone to always be happy. I'm certainly not always happy. But I do wish I could cheer people up as much as I can, because I just don't like to see them down....
  

• RollingC said on Sep 16, 2008....

  Friendships are confusing at best sometimes but that's what life is all about really.   The one treasure that life has is the friends that you make along the way.
  You're a good person Kyle and I'd be honored (and proud) to have you as a friend.  Your personality shows through in you and that's what makes you a magnet for so many people.   If you ever need anything that I can give you  ....ahhh... except underwear.... all you have to do is let me know.
  :^)
  Rc

• CayenneMan said on Sep 17, 2008....

      evil twin I think I know exactly what you mean sometimes I feel like a magnet and attract these type of folks your talking about. When a friend comes over to my house down and out and all depressed. We sit down and talk it out. If my wife is there and it seems like no progress is being made, she'll get up and leave the room. She knows I handle these types of situations better then her. If after awhile things are still bleak and now I'm ready to cry, I tell my friend to follow me into the kitchen. I walk over to the pantry and open the door I reach in grab a handful of flour and throw it in my face and hair. I stand up and turn around and when my depressed guest sees me looking like a ghost with white hair they just bust out laughing. It seems like their mood totally changes. It works every time but it's one hell of a mess to clean up. Yeah I'm a wild and crazy guy but everybody leaves my house feeling a little bit better.    Hang in there evil twin time heals a miserable mood.

• scipio said on Sep 17, 2008....

  Just keep on being who you are.
  After all  your friends recognise you,  by what you are and not what you want to be. Maybe they see the goodness in you and therefore come to you to rave and rant, after which they leave feeling good. At the same time you cannot be the dustbin for other peoples emotions and therefore at times you would be well within your rights to ignore those who continously come to bother you with their sorrows.
  If so, ask them whether they would like to share your sorrows or burden. ( which I hope you have not)  I am sure they will walk away.

• evil_twin said on Sep 17, 2008....

  RC--Wow, thank you :-) That was a really nice comment and I'd be honored to call you a friend too. But don't worry, I won't ask you for any underwear :-P
  
  Cayenne--I think with a lot of people, making them laugh can at least get rid of their bad mood for a few minutes. But I guess that might not work so good if the problem is really bad. But I'm glad you're good at cheering people up too.
  
  scipio--I don't mind at all helping people and listening to them. It's not anyone else's fault I pick up their moods. It's just how I am. My problem in this case was that the person wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I'd much rather have them tell me. But it's all okay now anyway :-)
  

• CayenneMan said on Sep 17, 2008....

   evil twin, between you and I, I've cut down a few folks that were hanging from the rafters and some that tried to die by exhaust gases and a couple who od'd but who knows.I thank God I was there in time. I've managed to save them all. Yup I guess I'm special  . . .  I can only hope they're all still well. evil twin I give you my word I've got a serious side to me and I live on it.                

• kruuyai said on Sep 17, 2008....

  e_t:  That's true... some people do that.  If you know the person well enough and you're tuned in well enough to the signals they're sending, you might stick around.  But if they are giving strong "go away" signals, I guess the best you can do is to let them know that you're available if they want to talk later.

• thegayfuckup said on Sep 17, 2008....

  If a friend gives me 'go away' vibes or just tells me they want to be alone (as I've done to others also), I do so immediately and they always call back later on when they're ready to talk, and always apologize once they have got their 'mood' out of the way.  You sound like a great friend to have!  

• queenparanoia said on Sep 19, 2008....

  just them let be... if you wanna be a good friend just let them... i do this sometimes... we can't help if we get absorb to other people's drama... but just let them and continue on with their life... i know it's hard doing it but it would be good for the both of you and that friend... anyway i hope your okay now... ;-)

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