I´m here but I am not.***
I
know, the thoughts I am writing are not new to anybody; I think, this
theme has always been present in my blogs and comments. I have read
lots of bloggers write of the same thoughts too. So, the litany below
would not be any revelation. Same old, same old.
But for me
writing these thoughts down, acknowledging them, is my way of
confronting my problem and hopefully curing it with this process; I
wish to find the healing, which seems for me so elusive.
I am
tired of just thinking these thoughts, I will just write it down, empty
my head of this shit. I know, I don´t have to function all the time but
I need to and these thoughts will paralyze me again if I don´t find an
outlet for them. I know, I won´t get any answers right away (if ever!).
So, I would do the next best thing (rather than lie down the whole day
and let the boulder of thoughts weigh me down) and blog.
There are moments in my life (the older I get, I feel the frequency of these moments increases!my life equation: age x responsibilities + stress / emotional stability = emotional connection ) when I am emotionally disconnenected. It happens specially in stressful times.
It
does not help that my body reacts to stress with depression. It does
not help that there are three very young children, who are dependent on
my stability and whose eyes reacts more and more through the years with
understanding, sadness and resignation, when I go through these phases.
It does not help that I judge myself harshly in these times. And worst
of all, it does not help that I push the person/people nearest to me at
these times.
I don´t know if it is from reading too much
fictional books or watching too many films, but whenever I am in this
state, I see my true essence becomes imprisoned in thick glass
reminiscent of Snow white´s coffin, weeping silently and pounding on
the lid to be free, to be heard. The other part of me that who is
"seemingly" in control and outwardly detached is there to represent me
physically - sitting on the lid cloaked in black, barring everyone from
seeing my true spirit. These two "me" are not warring, they compliment
each other. My cloaked self, is even protecting the me "imprisoned" in
the glass, as confusing as it is for the outsiders visualising the
image I depicted.
I am not even in the core of what I feel, and
I am already shedding tears - tears of relief. Normally, I would stop
now, for goodness knows, there are so many things waiting for me to
attend to. But I need these cleansing tears.
I feel so alone; I
know, I am not. But I do. I hate feeling this way. But for the life of
me, I don´t know what to do (well, this time I wrote it, instead of
writing a vague, dark poem... wow, improvement! *smoking sarcasm weed* )
There
are so many of my family, friends, and love onewondering, how come it
has become so hard for me for the longest time to keep in touch. To
simply write a hello, I am still alive message. Or when in an emotional
turmoil, to simply write...I am in an an emotionaly dump, hi ho!
They
have heard the reason, they have accepted, I am what I am. But still,
when the moments come, they are unaware it is the moment, and I am
unable to say, I am in the moment. Maybe I could tell them in an email,
guess who bit the apple again, and hanging out in the glass coffin...
~~~
In between, I searched for Snow White film archive in Youtube, one with
a classic music piece, to underscore the emotion I am feeling, not
really to celebrate the drama in my head but to find release for myself.
As,
always in random searches I do, I stumble on something I am not looking
for but just what I need at this particular moment...
I subscribe to the philosopy, help yourself, heal yourself and eating your words does not cause indigestion but catharsis...
A lesson learned today:
It
is not a crime to come back to SoulCast with a depressing blog :( , it
is a crime to let friends in the dark to how one truly is... ~~~
*** In my previous blog, A Quick Paper ~ Message, I wrote I won´t be on much in SC as I used to. Indeed, I have reduced my time here.
I
beg again, your understanding if I would not be able to reply to
comments. I never do that intentionally. I hate being ignored, and I
hope I don´t come off as ignoring any friend if I don´t reply right
away or never :( .
I tried in the past, even if it sounds curt,
just to leave a short thank you (I might be doing a lot of this in the
future!) or I try to show my presence in your blogs, as a way of reply.
I
just dont want a friend reader or a friend commenter thinking, I don´t
care. It is just I might spend all the day here in SC if I obsess too
much on everybodys thoughts. And I use to be worst! *sigh*
I
have an alt here...born out of my desperation to just be able to write
without obsessing on comments on my blog left unanswered. I might be
writing a lot under this alt, the next few days .
Some
of you have already discovered this alt. I did not want to keep this
alt as a secret and if you are long enough in SC, nothing is ever kept
secret or hidden here anyway.
I am only writing about this now,
so not to cause confusion because I said, I would not be on much here
in SoulCast. gahhhhhhhh I hate rambling.
But I need to ramble
away my thoughts in words, just to release them, and I don´t want to
force/or obliged subscribers I have as PBW to read them. Or apologise
incessantly for writing these ramblings... hence the alt was born...
If
you ever stumble upon this alt, which is an obvious name,I hope you
will be kindly informed through this rambles that: I am not hiding the
fact I am here blogging, just not commenting (or reading much! because
of time constraints!).
Whew... this has gotta stop, lol.
Thank
you so much for taking the time (I hug you so tight, that you made to
this line! I don´t think even I can reread the words I wrote, lol...
feeling better now...hope it last long!)
Below are clips/music
videos to remind me, I can help myself through writing out my emotions,
and I am never a burden to anyone...
Snow White & The Silly Song
Bring Me To Life (Snow White)
Bring Me To Life (Evanescence)
"Bring Me To Life"
how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life
frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead
all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)
The page you were looking for no longer exists
PAPERBACKWRITER posted on Sep 16, 2008
| views: 399
Comments
-
queenparanoia said on Sep 16, 2008....
you have an alt!?!?!??! hmmmm i wonder what it is.... ;-) anyway just taking a break from studying to read you ate paper... and all i could say is... it's alright... you are not perfect... you are entitled to this emotions right now.. after all you have the most difficult job in the world and that is being a mother... but rest assure that this emotions will go away... i know i make it sound so easy but i know it's not... but remember snow white had a happy ending.. right?!?!?!? love's true kiss... maybe once in a while have your prince do that... ;-) smile ate papel... eventhough you feel like it... and just remember you have a pinay friend in here who believes in you!!! by the way i'm sending you some of my positive attitude for today!!!have a great day paper!!!! -
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Sep 16, 2008....
muahhh, salamat queenie!
i´m feeling much better after writing this blog (i should do it more often but i only have time to blog and not to respond properly, hence the hesitance to blog... i don´t want to give the impression of thoughlessness :( )
. . . the girls were/are sick ( this is a yearly thing when summer turns to fall *sigh* ) one after another and it takes it´s toll on me :(
i´m glad you are learning impotant stuff at work... (i mean, not the boring technical stuff lol - although you need too ...ugh ) but what really matters, that what your encounter with you trainor gave you for life...
(((huggies)))
thanks for reading my litany, lol
:)
paper ~
-
secretlife said on Sep 16, 2008....
what is one to do with you???you worry too much about responding to each and every person here (and i'm sure elsewhere as well) as though every person would think you're rude and uncaring just because you haven't personally attended to them. Joanna, people aren't like that. And if they are, are they really people you want to know? Friendship is so much more than that. it's based on a genuine "like" for the person---and also tempered with an understanding that we have our own lives to live---children who rely on us, household chores, jobs, husbands and lovers, family and obligations....our priorities can change on a dime, and sometimes all we can do is keep our heads above water....trust those who care about you will be here for you. the same goes for your family. do the best that you can to reach out when you can.take care of yourself, so you can take care of those 3 angels.this always has to come first! -
wishyouwerehere said on Sep 16, 2008....
It's ok to have a secret self, PBW - part of you that remains hidden from view, a place to yourself where only you have access ... as long as that part of you is acknowledged and nurtured and not banging to get free.I hope you are feeling better - Wish -
day2day said on Sep 16, 2008....
hi writer, t'll have to read this later. I just wanted tobook mark it. We all have secret selves.day -
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Sep 16, 2008....
secret ~
[hangs head low]
i know, i know... i should have "chronic worrier" tattoed on my forehead
but i wish, i could show that on my (virtual) butt, i am inked with "butt, i am trying to get butter" ;)
lol
wanted to make you laugh... :D
[shaking my head with laughter]
thanks for always being there, dearest muaaaaaaaah<333
wish ~
I am learning to accept each and every side of me wholly. Time and SC fellow bloggers are my friends in this journey. :)
(((huggies)))
I hope you are feeling better too, dearest wish. I have silently followed you, and so happy you met Taran... Always sending you lots of good wishes <3333333
day ~
Thanks for dropping by, dear day :)
It is nice to see you around SC, welcome to my blog, and a verrrrrrrrrry belated welcome to SC :))
-
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Sep 16, 2008....
awwwwwww look at that secret wish day....is it a sign, dear universe? but what?!
<3
:D
-
secretlife said on Sep 16, 2008....
you did make me laugh.......haha...you are getting butter!!!!!it's good to be able to laugh joanna- laughter makes it all bearable! -
Lucytorial said on Sep 16, 2008....
Jo Jo Jo Jo JO~ you silly goose!We do not expect anything from you, we want to hear from you, we want to read you and we want to be here for you, good or sad dear. Life is far too short to be a cronic worrier **Lucy getting tatto needles out** just as you wish us to understand that you still care love, we care to and want you to understand that you don't need to explain everything because you feel guilty, explain it to yourself in writing to get it out I too have an alt here for all my dark thoughts, thoughts that don't necessarily belong to me they are those down moments where I question myself, the world, my goodness or lack of it. It helps to write it out for me, so when I feel like punching myself in the gutt with thoughts of ill will against myself, I write it down, post it to the universe sigh then move on without fear of having to explain a single thing!**what colour ink dear?**Now this may hurt a little but really the pain will go away after a while.**Lucy begins tattooing on Jo's forehead **Look at moieee I'm a cronic worrier**In bright pink ink! -
lionesss said on Sep 16, 2008....
hiya paper, im glad your ok and its ok to not answer every post , you are alot like my bestfriend, we can go days,wks, before we respond to any txt we send to each other, but we both know that its not a good time to talk, txt, and sooner or later we do hear from another, , so like every1 says you dnt have to worry or explain anything, if your mind is full of emotions then just give yourself a break, dnt be hard on yourself ,,,,but im glad that your starting to feel alot better now, take care(((hugs)))~~lionesss x -
skald said on Sep 16, 2008....
Don't worry about not answering comment or ignoring someone we know you don't do that intentionally. Yes, why not just say a shot thank you. I do it all the time. Sometimes feel it is a bit stupid but it is what I mean.
Good that you even felt better after writing. Just go on writing about how you feel.
(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
-
Never_Mind_The_Quality said on Sep 17, 2008....
Where fairytale and reality meet.
Sorry for being late,
Had to park my horse...
But then he kisses her
He smashes the glass box
Puts it in the Eco container
And drives of into the sunrise with her.
I <3 You Joanna
Your Pete
;-))
-
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Sep 18, 2008....
secret ~
yes, i am getting me laffs back... :)
it is not easy weathering one storm after another; you can´t help but harden your heart to lessen the impact of the pain, sadly losing one´s humour in the process. ironically humour is the best shield to deflect life´s little and huge annoyances...
... oh well, please see my virtual butt for my life´s philosophy, dearest :D
Lucy ~
YEAHhhhhhhhhhh! [primal grunt]
[slumps on cushy couch]
when i joined SL, i wanted it to be a place for me to deposit lots of thoughts... lots of me, lots of expressions without really caring of the consequences... but alas, everywhere one goes there follows rules (written or unwritten) ... i am a rebel at heart but i am sucker for rules...lol... dunno, not making sense because i dont have peace right now!!!!!!!! lol
need to do chores before girls comes home for lunch
need to decompress after the whole morning weaning the teething tate
need to make thousands of calls to organise, to network etc etc etc
i really dont have to explain myself to you, juicy lucy... you get me...
this is only to let my brain gush excess thoughts that are occupying precious space in my gray cells...
[stands up, bend over]
so, me lovey while you are at it... i want a blue ink for the the other cheek saying, gimme a break...LOL, imagine my anatomy inked! (see illustration below)
forehead(pink!!!)
i´m a chronic worrier
left cheek (blue) right cheek (green!)
gimme a break butt i am getting butter!
LOLLLLL
lionesss ~
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((huggies))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
you are such a wonderful spirit, dear lionesss
for 6 years now, i have surrounded myself with friends, who understands my condition, and they are best treasures, anyone could ever have...
my psychiatrist told me at the beginning of our first session (which relieved me enormously!) after i told her of the pressure i feel... you are not lazy, irresponsible thoughtless, uncaring, egoistic or have early alzheimer... you have depression, and you are here to find ways to deal, cope and overcome it step by step...
it´s so easy to think of oneself as, lazy, irresponsible, thoughtless, uncaring, egoistic or at the beginning of alzheimer, dementia or insanity when one is in the middle of deep depression :( .... i am glad that i have friends not only in RL but online to remind me (not only in words, but by simple presence) , that i am not one of those characteristics above
thank you for extending your friendship dearest lioness, i appreciate it so very much ((((((((((((((((((((((((((huggies))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
you have a friend in me ... i cannot be "visibly present" at the moment in your blogs... but i am always sending you thoughts of positive energy and lots of love
skald ~
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((huggies)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
what i would like to say to you as a friend, i have almost written above to our friends here in SC, dearest skald...
let me just add, that i will forever be grateful to your presence in SC, you make it a good place to be despite of so many things that might keep one away...
you have my highest respect, sincere friendship and warmest love - always,
liefste ~
[serves you more clowns for your meals] :D
ik hou van je, mijn leven, mijn hart, mijn liefste
-
harriedpsychmajor said on Sep 18, 2008....
Joanna, dear friend. I haven't seen or heard from you in such a long time, and I'm sorry to see you in such a flustered state. I hope everything calms down for at least a little bit, so you can allow some time off for yourself. Take care! -
thegayfuckup said on Sep 18, 2008....
Wow, you described those emotions I've felt for year, in such awesome words and style. I wish you the best of hope and luck.
Ton -
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Sep 19, 2008....
Harried ~
Thanks, dearest friend!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((huggies))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
i bookmarked your latest blog, and would like to read it tonight!
it gladdens my heart that you have never forgotten me :)
i check randomly on you too, in the other site we share ...
always sending you lotsa love and good thoughts!
muaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Ton ~
Welcome to SoulCast, dear Ton! :)))
i read your blog upon seeing your comment at evil_twin´s post and subscribed to be able to follow your story...
... as you will notice if you stay longer here in SC (I hope you will!!!) that it is (generally!) a very warm and supportive community (you get back, what you give <3 :) )... i have been here 2 years, and it has helped me tremendously...
... i hope you will be able to find healing and comfort.....
i am looking forward to getting to know you better...
have a wonderful self-journey in SoulCast
<333333333333
joanna ~
-
missb said on Sep 19, 2008....
Joanna,
I've missed you!! I have been rather absent from SC. It's been too long and I dunno how to come back, but you're always in my thoughts!!
XOXO
B
-
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Sep 19, 2008....
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((huggggggggggggies))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
: _ )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
snifffffffffffffffffffffflllllllllllllllllllllllllessssssssss
am always looking at your picture at our other site
you are always in my thoughts tooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
once soulsistah, always soulsistaaaaaaaaaah
<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
howzerrrrrrrrrrrrrr....!!!
better yet! blog it, me lovey
[huge smile in RL]
joanna
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugging you so very tight))))))))))))))))))))))))))
-
missb said on Sep 25, 2008....
Dear Jo,
Was the last comment for me? :)
Yes, my goddamn space! Someone effin' hacked it or sumtin. I can't log in since eons! I haven't gone back for a long time, my dear!
I miss you! I miss being here... but it's been too long, love.
Anyway, I'll prolly start small.
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
XOXO!!!!
-
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Sep 25, 2008....
jejejejejejejejjejejejejejejejejeje <<< how spanish people laugh on chat LOL :D
weeeeeeeeeeekiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid
Woot Woot Woot
Dearest.....your beautiful name here (can´t reveal! hihihi) aka missb!
Yeah the last comment was for you dearie <3333333333
:_ )
eeeeeeeeeeegad, hacked!
man oh man
will continue lateeeeerzzz..wanna mark this day with a post dedicated to you!!!
WeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeBeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (
translation: Welcome Back Beautiful :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
<33333333333333333333333333333333333333
[jumps up and down]
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugggggggggggggggggggiiiiiiiiiessss))))))))))))))))))))))
:XXXXX
joanna ~
Comment on "Bring Me To Life"
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