I think that alot of what has happened to me is conspiracy to hold me down.  It seems that alot of people are intimidated by me enough to say foolish and hurtful things to or about me.  It would also explain the physical abuse that I had to undergo while growing up.  They would turn around and harm me because they couldn't stand me having my own mind.  Alot of people have been trying to break me.  I don't appreciate it.  Still for some crazy reason, I'm breathing.  What would people fear about me that they would go out of their way to try and gain control over my being?  I'm a woman.  Some guys still can't stand to see a woman control themselves.  Back then the boys even spat on me.  I may have mentioned that fact already.  Sorry if I am redundant.  I have been with a man that was jealous as hell, even over my bosses.  I have also been with a man that wanted me to sleep wth another man for money, which I refused to do.  One man sodomized me against my will.  The other guy sodomized himself with a dildo, leaving literal shit around the apartment.  I've deal with semi-normal guys.  I don't think any man ever respected my feelings though.  The sad part is knowing that there are other women that get more respect than I do.  Whether I was a virgin, slut, or faithful as hell, it didn't matter.  I wonder why I am the one who gets shit on by so many?  I'm glad that it's not everybody crapping on my self esteem.  That's all I can say. 

Is there something wrong with me?  I have tried to change for people, sometimes in fear of being abused.  I did it to the point that it made no sense to do so anymore.  Now I am just me, like it or not.  The only things that I have to put up with are stupid comments from strangers and my mother riding my ass to change.  Ever get the feeling that you are not loved for you?  It sucks.  If I'm going to be hated on, then oh well.  Does that really mean that I have to stop living?  Does it mean that I want to stop living?  ONLY I KNOW THAT FOR SURE.