and so i made it through another sleepless night. they seem to last forever. how pathetic i am. feeling sorry for myself when i let this happen. i just don't see any way out. if i move out....i can just about afford a place. but then there is the car payment. it's not much but no matter how i try to figure it out....there is just not enough money. i need the car to go back and forth to work to pay for the apartment. ok....so what do i do?
ok...if i stay and make him move....the house will be the banks in just a few months. all that time and money invested gone. but atleast i'd be free. so then i'd need an apartment. ok...now back to the car payment. fuck! ok...so a judge is gonna make him give up some money. ok....but he said...i swear that he said this... if i have to pay child support and alimony ....i will quit my job. hmmmmmmmm.........fucker. oh my god he is so fucking cruel. i close my eyes and i see his face and i wanna just punch him in it!
it is so hard to think clearly with all this on your mind. i am so trapped. like an animal in a cage. i find myself pacing. seething. hurt. what the fuck!
i didn't cry last night. well not really anyway. i watched casablanca on tv, and i did get teary. but i didn't cry over him. now that in itself is an accomplishment. i'm going crazy here. i can't talk to my friends about this anymore. they keep telling me to pack his shit. for Gods sake...i have a son in college. how am i gonna help him. oh he works. he has loans...but how far do you think that goes???
its obvious that he doesn't wanna be here. my hubbie that is....he doesn't come home. so, why is he torturing me? what did i ever do to deserve this. i hate to say it...but sometimes, when he's out, i pray that something happens to end this. i can't really permit myself to say it out loud. it is such a horrible thought. but years of this abuse will do it to ya. i don't really want that to happen. not really. i would feel guilty for thinking it and i will be haunted by him forever.
this is more than fucked up...
