Many years ago, due to a piling up of several emotionally traumatic experiences all happening at once, I lost my memory. I woke up one morning, and my entire past life had been wiped out. I could not remember friends, school, events, nothing at all, it was a blank slate. I lived like this for 10 years, with absolutely no memory of the past beyond age 35.
Two years ago, my memory of my past began to return. Until just recently, it had been only a slow trickle, but now it is becoming more of a stream. Thank the universe that it's not a flood, I don't think I could handle that!
Today, as I was walking around my apartment, a memory from 6th grade came back to me. It was the beginning of the school year, and my first experience with changing classrooms for the different subjects. I never even thought about other people using the same desk that I sat at until the second day, when there was a note scribbled on the desk from a girl saying hi to me. I was elated, and entrigued, so I wrote hi back.
For the next week, we carried on this conversation on the desk top, and it was really cool! I couldn't wait to get to class to find out what this girl had written that day. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember that she wrote that she really liked me. OMG was I stoked! I walked around the halls all that day with a big smile on my face! And of course, I wrote back and asked who it was.
The next day, I went into class excited, hoping to find out who this rare beauty who had taken such a shine to me was. And there, on my desktop, was the name. It was J. My spirits immediately fell! You see, I had always seen J. as kind of a frumpy girl. She walked kinda funny, throwing her hips forward and hunching her shoulders. She had a bit of a strange voice when she spoke. Looking back, I'd have to say she was pretty, but she didn't do anything to enhance her looks, hence, frumpy.
I didn't write back. And from then on, I never talked to her or looked at her again.
I feel kind of bad about that now. I never considered how my actions would make her feel. I can imagine that actually telling me she liked me, and my response, probably hurt her very deeply. I know it did me when I was on the receiving end.
That's one thing I wish I had a 'do over' on. I wish I could go back to that boy in 6h grade, and tell him to talk to her. She might have become a very good friend, we might have had a nice jr. high romance, who knows what could have happened. What I do know is that it would have turned out a whole lot better for both of us if I had.
So J. wherever you are, I just want to say to you that I'm sorry for the way I treated you. It was wrong of me, you deserved better than that.
