Why is a bee hive big and round?  It's a bee city (obesity).

 

Which four letters of the alphabet are fat?   ABCD (obesity)

 

How many mommies does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one.  The difficulty is finding a diaper that's the right size for the light bulb.

 

Did you know when a redneck gets too sophisticated the's sent to get re-hill-billy-tated?

 

Why is a wife called the "better half?"  Because when she wants something you BETTER HAVE it.

 

What is the male counterpart to a maternity dress?  A PATERNITY SUIT!

 

A little boy was at a church picnic.  He had to releive himself so he sneaked behind a tree and peed into a bottle. He then threw the pee onto the ground.  Suddenly he saw a minister standing right behind him.  "What is your excuse for your behavior?" the man asked.  "I was just practicing "fill and throw pee," said the boy.  (Philanthropy)

 

When Neil Armstrong landed on the moon there was a COW waiting for him.  "How did you get here?" asked the cow.  Neil Armstrong explained how the government of the USA spent billions of dollars on a rocket to get him there.  "How did you get here?" he asked the cow.  "I didn't quite jump high enough to go over the moon so I landed here.  Can I hitch a ride home?"

 

Why can you never trust a bee?  It's past is full of bee trails.

 

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what is in his hand?

Pain from a sting is in the hand of the bee holder.

 

The exterminating company claimed that the roaches they killed would remain dead for at least 100 days.  The customer hired them on that basis.  After a thorough treatment the roaches still remained.  He called the company.  "I still find roaches in the house!  You have to come and give me a free treatment based on your warranty."

"We only guarantee that the roaches we KILL will remain dead for at least 100 days.  We said nothing about the ones we don't kill," came the reply.

"Well these roaches came back to life.  I want you to kill them again!"

 

The 7 year old boy called his dentist.  "Do you guarantee your work?" he asked.

"Yes.  I do," came the reply.

"Well the tooth that you pulled last year grew back.. I want you to pull it out again!"

I broke my arm and rushed to the doctor.  He looked at me and the first thing he said was, "Stick out your tongue and say 'ahhhhhhh'.  I was quite upset.  "It's not my tongue that has the problem.  My ARM is broken.  At which time he said, "Okay, then.  Stick out your ARM and say 'ahhhhhh'."

 

The idiot buss driver kept repeating himself during the trip.  "The next stop is ahead," he said even when he didn't plan to stop.  Finally I asked him, "Why are you always saying that the next stop is always ahead?"  He replied, "My school teacher wants me to learn it so I repeat it over and over again.  The neck's top is a head."

 

A red neck asked an old southern man, "How old are you?"  He replied, "Eighty-eight."  The red neck misunderstood his words and felt insulted.  He replied, "I ain't no 'idiot.  I'm smart!"

 

The little boy noticed that his water glass at the dinner table was making a tapping noise while his mother's glass of water was making a noise that sounded more like "boing, boing."  Convused, he asked his mommy why they were making noise.  She replied.  "Your water taps because it is tap water.  My water 'boings' because it it spring water."  "I understand," said the boy.  "What does toilet water do?"  She replied, "It makes you smell nice."  "And what does river water do?" he asked.  She replied.  "It dances with its legs only and keeps its arms straight down." 

 

If the mommy gives her children nickels whenever they ask for them, at the end of the month it would add up to an astro-mom-nickle amount!

 

If a mommy doesn't get enough rest does she turn into a tsumommy the next day?