Oddly enough, my life has revolved around disgusting things lately. Colons and gross bodily functions that no one needs to hear about. And not only have I had stomach issues, but my poor cat has had them too. Remember the cat who crapped by my feet to show her distaste for me leaving her under Jack's horrible supervision? Well she's had more shit issues to deal with.
Only this time I don't think she did this out of revenge for me. But apparently she found a piece of yarn on the ground and decided to eat it. I had no idea. Except the other morning when we got up, we were sitting in the kitchen and she came running in from the garage. That's where the litter boxes are. And she was walking all funny so Nat told me to check her out.
So I got up and noticed she had something stuck to her butt. I thought it was a piece of shit. So I got a paper towel and picked her up and was going to pull the offending crap off her fur. Only it wasn't stuck to her fur. It was hanging out her ass. I tried to just pull it out and that's when I realized it wasn't all made of shit. It was yarn. So I pulled on it and hoped it would just come out, but there was an awful lot of it. It was so disgusting. I started getting faint seeing this thing coming out of her asshole. It was just so wrong that I was pulling it out. It was like one of those endless handkerchiefs that clowns pull out of their pockets.
But then she started crying and I realized I might be hurting her. And Nat told me to stop because it could be caught up in her intestines and I might be doing some damage. I was really upset and freaked out about it, because I was afraid she was going to die. And she had about 4 inches of yarn hanging out her butt at this point. So I just got some scissors and cut it off.
I was getting pretty panicked though because the cat I used to have as a kid ate 4 1/2 feet of string one time. She almost died and ended up having emergency surgery to remove part of her intestines. And I assumed that this cat must have been just as stupid and was going to die because I didn't have an extra 5 grand to spend on emergency cat surgery.
I worried about her all day long, and had no idea what I'd find when I got home. But she seemed perfectly happy when she saw me. There was no more string hanging out. And she was eating and drinking and playing. So I went to the cat box and started examining the shit. Can you believe this is what my life entails now? But I needed to see if there was any string poop in there.
And low and behold I found a big crap nugget with the rest of the yarn hanging out of it. Apparently she passed the rest of it. Thank God! She seems totally normal now and I've seen no more signs of a problem. But let's just say I'm tired of dealing with things that are shit and ass related.
Speaking of, I had another CT scan today of my colon. Good times. when I was at the hospital, they gave me this orange stuff to drink that wasn't very good, but not horrible. And I assumed that's what I'd have to do this time too. Not so. I went to the diagnostic place yesterday to pick up my special drink. And to my surprise it was two huge ass containers of this milky white shit.
No way in hell was I drinking that. I'm very picky and I act like a little kid when it comes to stuff like that. I flat out refused to drink it. Nuh-uh. No way. And I was pissed off because I was just going to cancel the entire thing. But I decided to be a big boy and give them a call and ask them why I didn't get the orange drink instead. They said this white bullshit stuff was better.
For who? Not for me! And I wondered what would happen if I couldn't drink it. What if I threw it all up? The lady on the phone said if I threw it up then I'd have to come an hour early and then they'd give me the radioactive punch to drink instead.
I'm sorry, but why should I even attempt to drink the nasty stuff if I don't have to? Why make myself throw up? So I just didn't even try it. I called the place in the morning and lied and told them I threw up. So they said I could come get the punch instead. Sometimes lying is a good thing.
So we got there early and it was fine. Except for this stuff was still different than at the hospital. It was lime instead orange. Yuck. And I had to drink 3 enormous glasses of it really fast. And then sit there for an hour. And the best part was, I had to take my pants off. But no, they didn't make me sit in the waiting room in my underpants. I had a big green gown I had to put on. So I'm walking around in a dress basically. It was very attractive.
And this guy next to me comes walking over in his fancy green dress, and he didn't tie it up. He was using it like a bathrobe or something. And he seemed oblivious that there were women around. Nat couldn't stop giggling. I mean, she's a nurse so it's not a big shocker to see an old man strutting around in a green dress in his underpants. But still! She wasn't a nurse at that moment. She was just a girl in a public waiting room looking at an old man in his underwear.
And let me just tell you that the magazine selection in there sucked ass. The People magazine I was looking at read: Tom and Katie tie the knot! That was like 2 years ago! So the time passed really slowly sitting there.
But finally they called me back and the fun could start. I had to get an IV. Blah. I'm not good at that. I'd taken some calming pills before hand, but they didn't help very much. And it really sucks when they shoot in the radioactive dye because it hurts and it feels like you can't breathe. And when I glanced over to the apparatus they hook you up with, it looks exactly like the stuff they use to give lethal injections! It's all computerized so they push a button and these little vials just dispense the scary stuff into your body. Ugh. It was horrible.
I survived it though. And I asked the technician if I ever get to see what the scan looks like. She told me that I wasn't allowed to see it there, but that if I wanted to, I could call them up and request that they send me a CD with pictures of my colon on it. Woo-hoo! Now that's pretty interesting.
So now you can all look forward to seeing a scan of my colon someday. Just kidding. I'm not gonna post pics of that. But it's nice to know I could if I wanted to. I guess. I probably have no idea what I'm looking at even if I did see it.
But anyway, so that's my life. Pretty exciting huh?
evil_twin posted on Sep 12, 2008
| views: 417
Comments
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MissMimi said on Sep 12, 2008....
Even though you had me in tears of laughter, I'm very glad the kitty pooped out the yarn without a problem. My sister's cat ate tinsel once and had a pretty silver string hanging from his butt. I can just imagine her chasing the poor cat around the house with a paper towel to pull this thing out. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty... You know, when I became a pet owner I had no idea I'd be inspecting cat barf and cat poop. My cat ate one of my daughter's necklaces when she was a kitten, and I had to give her a cat laxative called, and I'm not making this up, Cat-A-Lax. Exciting lives we lead, eh?
Kyle, you have certainly had your share of dilemmas recently. Here's hoping your life goes back to being colon problems--free very soon.
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polarheart said on Sep 13, 2008....
Hi Twinny! Man oh man have things been shitty for you, my friend! It sucks big time. I also feel like my life has had far to much to do with my nether regions in the past 2 or 3 months, but lets not go there! LOL! (excuse the punn)I am glad to hear that you and kitty are both ok. When will you get your results?Love to Nats!Polar x -
motherofchicken said on Sep 13, 2008....
wow...."tom and katie tie the knot"???? That is old...It reminds me of the magazine selection in this cheap hair cutting place i go to, where a chinese lady says the same thing to me: "same, huh?" and I nod. Nothing else is spoken after that - PERFECT!
Anyways, what I actually wanted to say is your descriptions of the vile and vast quantities of liquids you had to intake remind me of a long time ago, when i was a kid I drank some liquid bleach....straight up from the bottle (thought it was water) and then i got taken to the hospital (my throat obviously burned) and had to drink endless cups of liquid coal. YES, LIQUID COAL. It was black-brown and horrible in taste. Finally I threw up all the bleach.
Glad to hear the kitty's doing good, and i hope you are too - those tests sound high-tech!
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Lucytorial said on Sep 13, 2008....
OMFG Honey really I almost pissed myself laughing at this. your life is just so... so... well so YOU! man that cat shits gotta suck! how gross, I can't believe you freaking well pulled on it YUK! MAN GROSS EWEEEE then you rummaged around her shit tray??? OMG MWA HA HA HA HA HAOkay so those scans are not nice, hubby had one years ago only he ate MAc Donnalds before hand (we had no idea he was getting it apparently) it was the newest machine in the fucking hospital and he spewed all over it! Mackas every where.. at least you didn't throw up, that milky white shits vulgar to the max!I'm glad you're okay though, seriously lad. Now that you have had a shit! filled day make sure you up load the pics of your spastic colon for us to disect and see if we can't figure out what you ate for dinner the night before.... te he he -
quietone said on Sep 13, 2008....
LOLFOFLMAO ~ what a way to start my day kyle!!! I alos cannot believe you pulled some yarn out of your cats ass, and then went digging for the motherload! OMG! I sure hoe your shitty days are over for a while!!! I think you should write a book, and be a young Mr. Erma Bombeck! Your stories are so real, and (sorry) some are just too funny and could only happen to you~ -
kruuyai said on Sep 13, 2008....
God, I was really sweating it when you started pulling that yarn out of your cat's ass. My cat once swallowed the elastic string of a cat toy that had a plastic ring attached to it. The ring got stuck in her throat, and she had to have emergency surgery to open her intestine and pick out the string or it would have strangled her intestine, and she would have died. She was in a bad way for a long time. But that surgery only cost a couple hundred dollars. What kind of vet do you go to that would charge five grand? My god! -
CayenneMan said on Sep 13, 2008....
My oh my evil twin I can see how that could be a problem. I would have never thought a cat would eat a piece of yarn let alone a four and a half foot long piece of string ! Butt it could have been worse it could have been a string of pearls.Make sure you mark that cd good. It would be embarassing to play that cd in a roomful of people by accident thinking it was a Super bowl game or something. -
Battycat said on Sep 13, 2008....
So so funny, somehow I can't imagine you looking through shit for some yarn, but you did it, seriously, glad the cat's ok.As for your colon pictures, I can sympathise. A friend of mines just been through that, and worse, she had to sit in the middle of the x ray room, on a commode, in front of radiographers and FIVE student nurses (who she may have to work with at some time) and take a dump while they filmed what was going on inside. She's a nurse, and knows it had to be done, but she's been left really traumatised by the whole experience - there was a male student there and she can't get his face out of her head. She has since discussed this with the x-ray department, and hopefully in the future things will be better for other patients. -
wishyouwerehere said on Sep 13, 2008....
Poor E-T - I bet you have a very handsome colon ;)My cat has a tendency to eat things she isn't supposed to eat also- so, unfortunately, I am very familiar with the clown handchiefs out the ass trick. Our latest adventure included explosive diarrhea after she ate the roses my friends brought after my surgery. Funny how roses could smell so lovely going in, and not so much on the way out.I hope you and kitty are feeling better - Wish -
RollingC said on Sep 13, 2008....
Cats will do that and in extreme cases (as you know already) you have to operate.
I can imagine that making your day....heh....
Rc
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CreativeWoman said on Sep 13, 2008....
I'm sure none of it felt very funny as it was happening. I hope you feel better soon.
CW
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uniquely-ironic said on Sep 13, 2008....
If Destiny is right about things coming in threes I'm afraid for Natalie! So far you and the cat have been ass victims, who knows who the third will be!! -
Twylarants said on Sep 13, 2008....
Poor Kyle! We've done the tinsel/cat's ass thing a time or two....gross gross gross!
And poor Nat! I have to look at an old man in his underwear every day....see above!
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evil_twin said on Sep 13, 2008....
Mimi--I never imagined that having pets could be such a disgusting job, but I guess it's really good practice for parenting someday! That involves a lot of poop handling too :-P I hope my life will soon be free of these problems too.
Polar--I know you've had to deal with stuff like this too, so you know how it feels! I'm supposed to get the results in 3-5 business days. So hopefully sometime next week.
chicken--I can't imagine what it would have been like to drink bleach! Ack! And I've seen that charcoal stuff on TV and it definitely looks disgusting. I'm glad you were okay after that!
Lucy--If I get the CD I'll make sure I post up the pics of my colon just for you! :-P I know, this stuff is all insane and can only happen to me. I think if I'd tried to drink the milky white shit, I would have spewed all over their pretty machine too. Ugh.
quietone--I really should write a book! I seem to have enough off the wall material to last me awhile. I couldn't believe I was digging for shit nuggets in the cat box either, but it had to be done! And oddly enough, I was actually really excited when I found the one I was looking for :-P
Kruu--You would not believe the cost of veternairy care here. Just to take the cat to the vet for an exam and 2 shots cost us $150. And one time a few years ago, my old cat got sick and required an IV fluid line and an overnight stay with x-rays and medication. No surgery at all. It cost me almost a $1000. So yeah, I expect that major intestinal surgery would have to set me back at least $5 grand. I think it cost my parents around $3 grand back when I only about 11 years old. I need pet insurance!
Cayenne--Cat's apparently love eating yarn and string. It's fun to play with, but some of them assume once they've 'killed' it, they need to eat it too. Must be the hunter in them. But thankfully this was only about 6-7 inches of yarn and not 4 1/2 feet! Even the vet back when I was a kid, couldn't believe the cat ate something that huge! And I'll be sure and label the CD properly. I'd hate think I was showing my friends a movie and it turns out to be my colon :-P
Batty--OMG...your friend had to take a shit in a room full of people?? That's not a test I've ever heard of, and I better not ever have to do it! I wouldn't be able to. Some things are just not meant to be shared in a room full of people! I had to do a drug test before and the guy had to stand next to me and actually watch me pee into a cup. That was bad enough!
wishy--Thank you :-P No one has ever told me I have a handsome colon before! One of our cats ate the flowers I got after being in the hospital too. She just barfed them up in the living room though. Cats. What are you going to do with them huh?
RC--I'm not sure what I would have done if she needed an operation. I'd have to ask my parents for money or something. I couldn't let her die :-(
CW--Thank you :-) You're right, none of this stuff was particularly funny when it happened, but I have to somehow find the humor in it later. It's the only way to survive!
Uniquely--I sure hope Nat doesn't develop any ass problems too. She's had some female issues already, so let's just hope nothing more happens to her either. We need a break around here!
twyla--One of my cats ate part of a Christmas garland, so their poop had red and green festive tinsel pieces in it :-P But luckily that time, it wasn't hanging out their butt!
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kruuyai said on Sep 13, 2008....
e_t: I think that would be a great motivation for me to move! -
evil_twin said on Sep 13, 2008....
Kruu--No kidding! But I suppose if it had to be done, I would have found the money somewhere. Because these cats are our children. And you have to do what you have to do. I'm just glad it turned out okay. -
dailyachesandpains said on Sep 13, 2008....
OH MY GAWWWD!I have tears rolling down my face! You frickin' cracked me up and I was really feeling badly for you at the same time I was choking on ice and reading!Dude, the cat thing.....ROFLMFAO! I totally pictured you doing it and I haven't a clue what you even look like! Nat was in my visual too with a look on her face like "better him than me...I'm a nurse not a vet!" LOL!I had that exact same thing...2 gallons of bullshit. I was like SCREW YOU! Even though they said I could add crystal light powder to it. NO THANKS! I lied too, but said I drank it! The funny part...they never called me out on my lie! Do they just give it to us to torture us?My diagnosis was anxiety driven shits!Happy days!Daily -
gingersoul said on Sep 13, 2008....
Kyle....oh, man...i didn't know if i had to laugh or cry reading this.......
The guy strutting his stuff in the waiting room and Nat giggling.....too funny..
....and the 4 inch of yarn hanging from your cat's butt???...LOL.....
I am sorry to read this new sequel of health problems, Dane ...;-)
Hope the results will be ok. Waiting for them is the shittiest part of all this shitty thing you went through...
Poop!
Years ago i had to drink this huge bottle of nasty and thick blueish liquid to have a scan of my thyroid... ...bleach and super bleach.......it took me hours to finish .....and i haven been able to the bathroom for days after that.......it kind worked like a super cement....
Chin up, Kyle....{hugs}
Anyway, people, did you notice how many bloggers here have stomach related issues?...uhmm......is this a shitty site or what? -
Battycat said on Sep 13, 2008....
Kyle - Its called a proctogram, ask Natalie :-( -
Twylarants said on Sep 13, 2008....
LMAO at Ginger's many poopy references!! -
botoni said on Sep 13, 2008....
Kyle....You really do manage to get a huge batch of laugh material into any tragic event. When I read you I'm never sure if I'm going to laugh, cry or poop myself. The yarn tale brought a horrid memory. A house guest had carelessly discarded a condom and one of my dogs thought it was a good idea to eat it. I discovered condoms dont digest in dogs stomachs and they dont comletely release on the way out. -
Mr_Box said on Sep 13, 2008....
LMAO! I couldn't get over the image of you pulling a string out of your cats ass like a clown handkerchief.[catches breath from laughing]I know you were really worried about your kitty, but the way you told this story was just too funny. I'm glad you found the golden crap nugget with the string though. It is a sad day when you get excited over digging through a shit box.I'm glad to know the scan went okay too. I really thought you'd back out. You kept telling me you didn't want to do it. So I'm glad you sucked it up and did it anyway. But I don't blame you for not wanting to drink the milky shit. Yucka.Here's to hoping that you never have to do that again. -
day2day said on Sep 13, 2008....
hi et, Man, you did have a shitty time of it. ha haThat string thing happened to my cat once. It was scarry seeing string hanging out of ahole.I'm glad you had the test done. scaredy cat. w/stringday -
RollingC said on Sep 13, 2008....
I didn't know there is pet insurance ? For real ? heh.....My last pet was a white German Shepperd whom I had to put down for simpleeconomic reasons when he got really sick. He was already 10 yrs old whenit happened, no guarantee that he would survive the operation and I was toohard up for money so I had to put him to sleep.I have not had a pet since.Rc -
queenparanoia said on Sep 13, 2008....
well at least you have more exciting stuff going on in my life right now. anyway, ewwwww you pulled a string from your cat's ass??!??!?! woah i was thinking of cat surgery too!!! thank goodness she shit it out!!! hospitals are boring... but you make it sound exciting!!!! -
Psych-ed said on Sep 13, 2008....
You're lucky they didn't make you drink the milky stuff (barium right?), I had to have a CT of my colon recently too. No one told me that if I threw it up I could have the punch?
I'm glad your cat's ok!
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evil_twin said on Sep 14, 2008....
daily--You cracked me up talking about the 2 gallons of bullshit! :-P That's exactly how I felt! I'm surprised they didn't say anything to you about not drinking it. And if they couldn't tell, then why do we have to drink it?? I think I've got anxiety related stomach issues too. Blah.
ginger--Yes the entire ordeal was shitty! I think that stuff you had to drink was very similar to what they wanted me to drink too. And they did say it would back up the plumbing, probably because it looked like cement. Icky. I do hate waiting for the results. I'm nervous....
batty--I'll have to ask her about that. Yuck! I think I'd just pass on that test....
botoni--Oh god....your dog ate a condom?? That's horrible. And gross! I can imagine that posed a problem though because that would be hard to pass. Was your dog okay? I bet that was embarrassing to explain to the vet what the dog had eaten!
Mr. Box--I tried to back out of the test a few times, but I had people telling me not to. Everyone kept telling me to just get it over with, so I did. But I hope I don't have to do it again!
day--I really am a scaredy cat. I'll admit it! I'm just glad it's over now.
RC--There is pet insurance! I'm not sure how much it costs, but I've seen the brochures at the vets office. If I had the extra money, it'd probably be a good idea, because if something bad happens, it can get really expensive fast. I'm sorry about your dog :-( It's always a hard choice to have to do that, especially if you just don't have the funds to help them.
queen--I'm glad that I can make hospitals and xrays sound exciting :-P I hate doing it, but I try my best to distract myself with humor when it's all said and done.
Psych--Yup, that's the stuff. Barium. Blech. No one told me I could have the punch either. I had to ask! Because I just knew I couldn't drink that stuff....
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dailyachesandpains said on Sep 14, 2008....
Half of the reasons why I DO NOT leave the house is because of fear...fear of anxiety driven shits. I REFUSE to use public restrooms...makes me SICK! To a point where I could have anxiety driven pukey shits!I swear, it HAD to be TWO gallons...had to be! It was bullshit! I was actually ticked off that they didn't call me out on it...you would think that they make us drink it for a reason, I hear ya! Now I'm sitting here and saying "Were they playing scrabble and NOT doing the test?" Nah...I bet that computer had solitaire on it...they were playing solitaire!I'm still laughing about the yarn! Man...I can't get over it!Daily -
evil_twin said on Sep 15, 2008....
daily--That really sucks that part of the reason you don't want to leave your house is you're afraid you'll get the shits. Ugh. I hope you never have to get that test done again, but if you do, ask for the punch instead! It's not so bad. -
tonibell said on Sep 15, 2008....
Good for you pulling that string! You might have got things going for kitty. Thanks for the great laugh!!! I have cats too. No end to the pleasures they provide!
Hope all's well with your guts. That's some rough stuff your going through. Hope you havn't been chewing on any string..........................................
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hotaka said on Sep 16, 2008....
OK. Colon scan pics? PC wallpaper, my friend. That's that solved.
Now the cat with the yarn? I had this image of you pulling away and the cat dethreading like a sweater in a cartoon, Nat calling out to stop and you holding a handful of yarn and only the front half of the cat still on the floor.
That white stuff. I don't know what it is but in Japan many company employees have to take health exams every year or two and they have to drink this white liquid they call "bariam" which is exactly how what they say is written from Japanese to English but I have no idea if it is valium, barium or something else because I have never heard of that procedure before. They drink it and doctors can tell if they have ulcers or tumours or whatever. I think nobody actually likes the stuff but many people I know have to drink it.
I had a chuckle when you said the People magazine was two years old and then said that time passed slowly in the waiting room. Yup. Sure sounds like it.
All right, dude. You got through it. Now be a man and go wrestle in your underwear with your wife.
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Lucytorial said on Sep 16, 2008....
Laughing at hotcakes.... mwa ha haa When you re read this post then read the wrestling post I kind think you two need to damn well buy y ourselves a zoo and a jelly pit stick it in your loungeroom and charge $20 per viewing@! te he he he -
evil_twin said on Sep 16, 2008....
tonibell--Nope, I haven't been chewing on any string! But I'm really glad my cat is okay now. We need to be more careful about what we leave lying around.
hotaka--If I call for the CD I'll be sure and let you see it so you can use it as your desktop wallpaper. But I think I'll pass on that! The white stuff is called barium. I guess it's pretty common, but it's still disgusting and I'm so glad I didn't have to drink it! I tossed it out with the trash the other day. Good riddance!
Lucy--A jelly pit huh? Now that would be fun! I could defnitely see us doing something like that...
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chrisevans129 said on Sep 16, 2008....
i can totally relate to drinking that awful crap. one time i needed to have a colonoscopy and the night before i had to drink a gallon of what tasted like old sea water....it was the most vile thing ever! i refused to drink all of it and was being chastised by the doctor while he was performing the procedure. as if having a garden hose-like tube stuck up my butt wasn't humiliating enough!!! i remember they gave me an iv of something (demerol?) to calm me and that was nice, but i almost fell flat on my face later trying to change into my clothes...not one of my best moments.i hope you are okay.....and glad to hear that your cat is. -
evil_twin said on Sep 16, 2008....
chrisevans--I really hope I don't need the colonoscopy. They talked about wanting me to do that, but I just don't think I can. Especially if I wasn't all the way asleep during it! Demoral doesn't do anything for me.... -
chrisevans129 said on Sep 17, 2008....
evil twin -it was a really embarrassing, un-natural experience, but i never slept better afterwards.here's hoping you NEVER have to experience that!!!!! -
evil_twin said on Sep 17, 2008....
chrisevans--I hope I never have to experience it!
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