"Atheist Cocksucker." It's a term you hear a lot these days. Theists seem to like it. It makes us feel warm, wet, and comfortable - like the feeling you get when you imagine god impregnating a virgin without her consent. But let's think about it for a moment. Is it an accurate characterization of atheists in general? If it is, what does the bible have to say on the subject of cocksucking? Is there biblical support for Fellationism?
In the Book of Robots 3:27, we find the following passage;
"And lo did Captain America, hopped up on goofballs, level his righteous flamethrower at the Fat Chicks, and lovingly incinerate them with God's infinite mercy."
Likewise, in Cher's letter to the Elephants, we find the following;
"Please! Oh GOD! Get him off me! GET HIM OFF MEEEEEEeeeee!!"
As you can see, there's not much support here for the Fellationists primary thesis. "But," you may well ask, "what about the wealth of biblical examples of Jesus performing fellatio?" While it is undeniable fact that the Bible abounds with examples of Jesus' great love of the French arts, it must be remembered that almost every instance involves AUTO-fellatio. The Fellationists typically take these stories, pare them down, and remove them from their proper context in order to support their argument.
Here, for example, is a quote that one hears in the suckular media on an almost daily basis;
"...and so in those days did Jesus go down unto the city of Provincetown, and there rented he an overpriced hotel room in which to flay the flesh of his kneecaps while guzzling manly seed by the cubic cubit..."
This is a gross misrepresentation, however. The original passage, found in the book of Neuteronomy, is as follows;
"Finding no peace in Jerusalem, and no quarter in which to swallow seed, Jesus spake unto the Pharisees, saying 'Woe betide thee, oh belchers of the seed of others,' and so in those days did Jesus go down unto the city of Provincetown, and there rented he an overpriced hotel room in which to flay the flesh of his kneecaps while guzzling manly seed by the cubic cubit FROM HIS OWN HOLY SCEPTRE." [Emphasis mine.]
Now many will attempt to argue that the flaying of flesh from His kneecaps is an indication that he knelt while gargling the baby-batter, and therefore He must have been fellating another (perhaps the young boy from the garden of Gethsemane) until the rug-burn was so severe that his knees became bloody stumps. What they fail to consider is that the Essene ritual of cleansing during formal autofellatio involved a ceremonial artifact known as a "knishmerts" or patella-shredder, with which the supplicant essentially reduced his knees to bloody spam during the sucking of his own semen. Clearly the weight of archaeological scholarship is on the side of autofellatio.
The upshot of all this is that most Fellationists, while their zeal is admirable, are simply swallowing all that seed for nothing. Rampant, wanton cocksucking, while clearly of great benefit to society, is simply not the way of Jesus. If Jesus were alive today, he'd be at home with his own penis in his mouth while shredding his knees with a cheese grater.
Atheists, by contrast, believing themselves to be opposing the will of god, refrain from fellatio in any form. Even though it's incorrect, these degenerate scumbags would be of more benefit to society if they followed the path of the Fellationists and did some good works. How can they, in good conscience, see all the blue balls in the world, and stand idly by rather than provide succor? The mind boggles.
Next time, I'll examine the attitude of the presidential candidates on whether to teach Fellationism in public schools. To kindergarteners. At gunpoint.
