wed 10 sept 2008    Greenfield Respite

 

here's a poem for my owners in big law (yes, they own me)

 

in tyrannos --- copyright 2008 by anne nakis

 

I hang on the hook

for your pleasure,

your plans, your parasite pride.

I hang on the hook,

that you might salivate your glory-greed.

 

(Hold on to your hatred,

I hiss.

Hold on to your holy human rage.

Hold on to your human voice,

while you worm-dance on their glory-hook.)

 

I hunger on this hook

for redress,

for honor to come from some spot,

at some hour,

to unhang me from your hook,

to unhinge me from your schemes,

to let me go,

to let me die in peace.

 

i reported a person for dealing drugs. her little drug ring turned out not to be little, but quite large. they want to kill me. yes, kill me. a little pissant from the back of beyond, but they want me for some obscure reason. and so, without my knowledge or permission, i was made the worm on the hook that was baited to catch some of these people. i think there are three main job requirements for law enforcement people:

                           1. enormous egos

                           2. control freakism

                           3. the ability to turn one's conscience on and off with a switch

protecting me from being killed costs a lot of money, but that's okay, as long as bad guys get caught. abuse of me is okay, as long as bad guys get caught. taking my animals, my privacy, my home, my friends, my belongings, my dignity, my autonomy,  my prednisone, making me sleep outside when they don't feel like providing a place for me: it's all okay, as long as bad guys get caught. and i'm the juiciest f worm the law boys and girls have had in a while, because fish just keep coming to eat me.

 

so what do i despise, as if we didn't already know:

                              1. i despise the bad guys, naturally

                              2, i despise the "good" guys, who have protected me from the bad ones NOT because i as a human being matter, but so they could augment their already oversized egos by catching special fish. if i as a human being had mattered, i would have been put in a house with my animals and my things and my own kitchen and my own bathroom, and i would have been protected there, with my own way of life more or less intact. i would have been told from the BEGINNING (which i was not) that i had inadvertently angered some very nasty people and was in need of protection. if i as a human being had mattered, i wouldn't have been abused in all the ingenious ways the law boys have found to abuse me over the last six months.

                              3. i despise duplicity, and that's all i get from either side, even from the guy in "love"

                              4. i despise being labelled as delusional, because it's another lie, another abuse, another humiliation

 

a few months ago, someone who reads this blog sent me a poem, but did so in such a way that i couldn't know WHO sent it.  just the last two lines i'll give you:

 

                      you are the light of my nights.

                      you are the rest of my days.

 

words that are so nice, so pleasing. and i am definitely a WORD person. but maybe it's because i'm autistic, or maybe because i have studied and have written so many different words in lots of different languages, that i know keenly what words are and what they are not, what they can do and what they can't. words can EXPRESS love, but they are NOT love. love is an emtion, and love is actions. at least to me. however pleasing words might be, they are not love. the test of any person's love to me is not what they say, but what they do. animals always pass this test. humans never do, at least not for me.

 

Update 14 August 2009: I'll say here again what I've already said in another place: It could just as easliy have been the DMH and the respite that interferred so with my prednisone and other aspects of my medical care. Or the FBI could have been in on it too. What I have learned over the last 17 months, mostly from other people, is that the FBI can do anything it darned well pleases, legal or moral or not.

         I was staying at the respite again at the time I wrote this post, and this is when they seem to have convinced my rheumatologist not to prescribe me anymore prednisone, because they believed the drug was making me psychotic. After all, they had labelled me as delusional. To this day I still don't have a prescription for prednisone. But the respite folks had tried this before with my thyroid med. They accused me of not taking it and making myself toxic with T4, and that was making me psychotic. But every time they tested my T4, it was either just within normal or only slightly high - by no means toxic. When the post-modern psychobabble egos want to diagnose you with their favorite diagnosis, they will stop at nothing to validate their own ego-driven conclusions.