I think I figured out something very important today. Or maybe I've known it for a long time and I'm just finally willing to admit how it has affected my life?
I have always gone after desparate women. Let me qualify that. They were desparate for love. They wanted to be loved, they wanted to feel like they were loved, and they were willing to jump immediately into a relationship with me because of that. But the problem was, they were not in love with me, they were in love with love, and I was the guy in front of them that was providing it for them. So after a couple months, all the 'annoying flaws' of mine started to really bug them, and they would begin to try and transform me into a man they could love, so they could still have the love, but with a man they actually liked. And in truth, I did the same thing with them, because I did not really love them (except for my first wife, but I was young and nieve, and she never really loved me).
This is true for every woman that has ever had a romantic relationship with me, except des. Des loves me for exactly who I am, and always will, and the same goes for me to her. But she also had a desparation when we met, so much so that she was willing to accept an impossible situation, 5000 miles, different cultures, timezones and an ocean between us. Maybe that's why we still love each other? It's that the love is real, but the problem is that we can't be together to live it? Anyway, we're really good, close friends now, and I think we always will be, and I'm happy with that.
So, I wanted love, I wanted to give love, so I'd just jump right into a romantic relationship with any woman that would have me, because I didn't want to put the time and effort into developing that relationship. I wanted it to be like in the movies. You meet, you fall madly in love, and you live happily ever after. But you know, they never show you that couple 5 years later. You never find out if they actually DO live happily ever after. And it's just a movie anyway, just a representation of how some of us wish it were, want it to be, not really how it is in real life. Besides, I'm an engineer. I am because of the way I think, which is to cut out all the supurfluous stuff, just put in there what you need to get the job done. Everything else is just too complicated, hard to maintain, breaks down all the time, costs too much, is overkill. So why go through all that dating, friendship, getting to know them crap when we're just gonna end up in love and happily ever after anyway? Besides, I don't have time, I'm desparate!
I think I've finally figured out what all that other stuff is for. And you know what, maybe if I go into it without the desparation, without expecting the happily ever after, I might just start a different kind of relationship, one that will last?
Oh well, the other way never worked for me, so what the hell, give this one a try, right?
