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where will the strength come from???

donnaaaaa posted on Sep 10, 2008 | views: 101 | Tags: too late, when u know what u must dohow do you do it
i guess it's only been a couple of days since i've written but it's really hard to write when i'm depressed.  it feels as though i'm doing time in this prison that should be a home.  oh yeah, i'm allowed to leave.........to go to work.  i do supose that i could leave to go just about anywhere but with not much cash that leaves me little options.
so, again, he left to go to work and never went.  i've grown so used to it that it has just become the norm.  he didn't come home either.  i asked him if he was seeing someone else but he denies that.  in most ways i believe him.  i guess he prefers his beer and friends to female companionship.  he is out of control.  he said so himself, but, i don't think he's gonna slow down any time soon.  i know that a suspension from work is coming.  you just can't take that many days off and think its......okie dokie.  i'm sure that he won't tell me about that because he's already spent so much money.  
i'm really trying to stay until my son graduates.  this is his last year and then he is off to college.  (i hope!)  he seems to be having too much fun.  like the summer hasn't ended and he can do what he wants.  he's already got a cold, i think from running around too much.  but heaven forbid me say anything to anyone.  he does listen when i tell him he needs some rest....but.......he doesn't listen.  i guess he knows better than me.....
i guess i don't  put enough focus on the rest of my life because i'm just so sad about everthing else.  it's hard when the rest of your life has falling apart and you hang by a thread.  i keep putting up with the bullshit cause i don't know any other way.  i'd like to believe that i will go from here when the time is right.  i'm not really afraid.  i actually love being alone.  i decided that putting the house on the market is the only way.  pay off the debt and just make a new start.  i wish that the economy was better, maybe then i'd get enough of a nest egg not to have to work these 12 hour shifts.  my feet were killing me last night.  and i was so tired when the alarm went off.  i'm off today!! yeah!!! and i don't plan on doing much.  i've already done a couple of loads of laundry and i have some errands to run....but i'm hoping to be done early enough to just relax  a bit later.  i have 10 hours tomarrow...and it seems as though this is how it goes.  i'm sad inside though.  like the things that once made me happy don't mean too much anymore. 
its so sad when it all goes. 
maybe i'll work with my flowers later.  i've been neglecting them for the past couple of days and i really need to get in there. they will be gone and then no more........
like everything huh? 
i haven't talked to my "friend" in a few days.  he had to go away, and i just figured.......let it go.  no sense in thinking about it, i'm here.......and as long as i'm here.....well....nothing really matters.  he is so kind, sometimes i think i just amuse him.  but i see him looking at me sometimes.  and i think i know what he's thinking.  you never really know. 
i think i've lost my faith.  maybe i should start going to church again.  i stopped when it started to make me cry.  i thought i'd feel better but i would cry in the middle of mass, uncomfortable.....maybe because all the thoughts i have are so bad.  or maybe that is just another excuse.  i'm so tired of this life...... 


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Comments

  • thiscantbeall said on Sep 10, 2008....
    Donna,
    I just discovered your posts and had to read every one of them to make sure I didn't write them.
    Although our husbands are nothing alike, you and I are. Exactly.
    If you really can not find the motivation to leave, perhaps this will help you.
    Imagine your life in 10,15, 20 years, if you do not leave now.
    It will never, ever change.
    The only difference you'll see is in the mirror.
    You will be old, sad, bitter, with no where to go and no way to support yourself.
    You will be me.
    I was ready to leave 15 years ago, but I was frightened.
    In a minute, 15 years passed me by.
    !5 years of unhappiness.
    My husband is a nice man, always has been. There was no abuse, no drinking, gambling, that type of thing.
    But he loved to spend our money. He had to be in control of our money, of everything.
    One year ago he had some kind of epiphany, he decided to change.
    It's too late.

    Donna, go now. You say you like being alone. I know that feeling. Go now.
  • donnaaaaa said on Sep 10, 2008....
    ohhhhhh...can'tbe.......
    i read this earlier and i cried.  you see the years have been passing. so many.  there are so many reasons to go...and yet, to stay.   if you, as you said, are like me, then my heart goes to you.  it's sad how we have let others run our lives.  make our choices.  keep us "caged" as if we are something they own. 
    my son is in his senior year of high school.  it may be an excuse to most, and even to myself most of the time....but, i cannot bring myself to disrupt his life because of my own.  i hate myself for that choice. sometimes, even him.  don't get me wrong, i love him dearly...but it's been so crappy at home for so long i feel like i'm just putting in time. 
    our stories are much more complicated that simple words can express. 
    i've been married for nearly twenty three years.  wow..long time.  and in my mind i've been gone for atleast 15 of them. 
    so i have less than a year.  sometimes it seems like forever.  i am trying to hang in here.  sometimes it's so hard.  but for my son...i'll do it.  i hope.
    thanks for reading my words.  i write them to remind myself of what is going on.  my husband "pretends" there is nothing wrong.  nothing wrong for him cause he does what he wants.  for me.......it's everything.  i don't even try to explain my feelings to him.  he really doesn't care as long as everything is as it is. 
    i read some of your writing earlier, i don't know you.....but i am proud of you.  someday.....i'll be proud of me too.....thank you
  • secretlife said on Sep 11, 2008....
    i understand why you'd want to stay until your kid goes off to college....
    breaking up a home is extra hard when there are kids involved.
     
    And especially when they're so close to being off on their own anyway.
     
    do you work?  i hope so.  i hope if you don't that you will so that you can be independent without him....
     
    it sounds like talking to your husband is like talking to a wall.  and after a while, there's really no point, because you just make yourself crazy and sad ....and he's still the same.  so instead, try to do little things for yourself...things that make you happy.  And plan.  Plan what you will do when your son goes to school.......so that when he goes, you can put this plan into action.
     
    you deserve much better than this.

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