Most of my life I have wondered why I didn't have many friends, and why some people just seem to be able to attract friends without much effort. Well, thanks to my husband, the mystery is now solved.

I was talking to him about my last post, about doing things from the heart, and not doing it to prove something. Our conversation progressed to discussing our personal flaws, etc., and I wish I were able to record the whole conversation, because it was very enlightening, even though at the same time it made me want to cry.

I had mentioned that I needed to care more about others than myself, to love serving them from the heart instead of out of duty, obligation, or other self-seeking motives. A lightbulb went off in my head and I said, "I used to wonder why some people told me that I didn't seem to care." What I meant was that I realized that my motives didn't seem to necessarily match my intentions or outward behavior (being nice, friendly, trying to help, etc.).

My husband interrupts me, nods and says, "you do come across a lot like you don't care."

I ask him to elaborate. In what ways did I come across like I didn't care?

"You often come across very impersonal. You seem like the kind of person who would step on others to get what you want. Sure, you care, but only if it fits with your goals. The only time you show caring is when it doesn't interfere with your self-seeking desires. When you are self-seeking, in reality you don't care, even if you think you do."

In other words, I'm a selfish bitch. (I hate profanity, but right now I can't think of a better word.) I was not very surprised by Gordon's description of me, as he had complained often that I sounded impersonal over the phone. What did surprise me was his description of me as someone who would step on others to get what I wanted. But I have the most altruistic intentions!

I did have to explain to him that my "impersonalness" often comes from being embarrassed to express how I truly feel, that I am afraid of rejection, of being laughed at. That I often feel that I need to be strong. There's a Chinese concept called "ren," where you swallow all your bitterness and just keep persevering and doing your duty. I guess that is subconciously ingrained into me.

Gordon was kind enough to explain to me that my impersonalness hurts others. An example is when I work at home. I am usually stressed and hate being interrupted, and although I try to be as sanguine about it as I can, something in my tone or look or body language betrays my impatience and it hurts him. 

No wonder I don't draw people to me. If they think I'm too busy to talk to them, or I just plain don't care, they are not likely to approach me.

I really don't quite know what to do. How do I start expressing more affection and caring without being fake? I have long known that my heart and my head are not necessarily in sync, that although I may have the best of intentions (my head), I may not have to best motives (my heart). Therefore, my head and my heart battle each other.

I don't know why all of this made me want to cry. My husband suggested that I have become like my mother.

"Even though she may deny it, your mom is a traditional Chinese woman who is very self-centered. For some reason she thinks that the world needs to revolve around her."

I said, "Didn't I tell you that one of my fears after I had our son was that I was becoming like my mother? I don't want to be like her at all."

The hardest thing to conquer is not our outward circumstances, but ourselves.