finally! alone ......oh time to think. my son came home from college on friday, needed to do some work on his car, not much got done. it's always good to see him though. he just left, and i will miss him, but right now i'm thankful for the quiet. it's amazing how the addition of one person to the household and things seem to turn upside down. he always has a smile and........a pile of dirty laundry. it's funny how laundry used to bother me. i don't mind washing his clothes. i always remind myself that i don't have much longer to be doing this. he is working on his own life. sometimes it's sad but i am so proud of him.
i haven't had much free time lately. busy with everything. but all the while i'm thinking. on thursday i sat for a long time talking to my friend abou this messed up life. and as much as i don't like talking about my husband, it seemed as though there was a driving force that kept bringing the subject up. there were times when in mid sentence i had to stop myself because the tears came to my voice but i never once let them overflow. i was proud of that. proud that i didn't allow myself to cry in front of him. there are things that my husband has done to me that just the thought, makes me cry. how can someone who says that they love you, hurt you that badly.
he is acting as though nothing is wrong again. he says that i'm "mad at him." he has no idea of the depth of that statement. he has no idea that it goes beyond that. he is innocent in his own eyes. the more he plays this, everything will be ok thing he has going on....the more i feel contempt. i cringe each time he says, give me a kiss....shit like give me a kiss or i won't leave.....or just the forehead....cheek....god, i want to turn over and have him kiss my ASS! ugh.....i get so furious with him. he left about a half hour ago....to go to work, and i'm guessing that maybe....90% chance that he won't go. i know that he has money in his pocket. another lying, decietful move he made. selling his trailer and never mentioning it to me. keeping the cash.....i guess i'll just have to wait and see what he does with it. doesn't he know that i would find out this kind of thing. and why wouldn't he tell me? he slept in my bed last night. both my sons had company over so i really had no choice. i slept facing the other way. oh how uncomfortable. i just read and read and read. kept asking him to turn down the tv.....P LEASE! until all i heard was snoring. my god what a relief.
i am trying to hang in here until my son graduates. i am trying and the year just started. i don't know how i am gonna do it. i don't know what he expects from me. i hate living this way. sometimes i cannot hold the anger out of my voice. sometimes i snap words out. sometimes.........
my talk with my friend was reassuring. atleast i know now that he really does care. that if i need him, i can call him. i asked him what was going on with not answering me back, his answer was vague...but he did say.......call me. so........i will wait and when i need to talk to him, i will call him. we laughed and smiled and talked serious when we needed to be serious. we talked about things like bubble baths and my perfume. and he makes me so hot inside. like i wanna peel my clothes off and just say........do me. except that married thing gets in the way. i told my husband that i'm not married to him. that i don't believe in marriage....for years i've told him this........but today an invitation to a bridal shower came........for someone i have never met.........and i told him i would never go. that's when he said WE are going to the wedding. oh that got me pissed off again. i told him i would NOT go......for the reasons i stated above and...........because i don't know this person.......at all. never once met either one of them.......and wouldn't know anyone....anyone.....and why would he think of making me that uncomfortable. and then it occured to me ........the obvious. he asks as though there is nothing wrong. Everywhere!!
i feel so disrespected. what am i doing here.
