Today will be my first blog ever.  I’ve never been one to want to, or even considered, sitting down to write a blog.  Lately I’ve realized with the things in my life, it’s probably a good idea to just sit, and let some of my thoughts out, and try cleans whatever paralyzing issues I believe I’ve developed over the years.

I say paralyzing because I haven’t been able to do really much of any thing.  I’ve pretty much pulled inward and have shut most people out.  I know this is not healthy but this really is just the tip of the ice berg. 

The truth of the matter is, I’ve become really self destructive, and I’m actually pretty ashamed of myself and the things that I’ve done.  I know I won’t be able to clean the slate any time soon.  I’ll probably need a long time to correct any wrongs, or even strengthen my metal capacity, before resembling any thing normal. 

I know I’m probably being a little hard on myself.  I mean I have a good job which pays well.  I’ve been told I’m good looking and I’ve never really had any issues dating attractive woman.  I have a great apartment which I’m proud of and I have pretty good friends and family.

I guess what I’m getting at, is that I’ve been a real Mr. Jackal / Dr. Hide or whatever the name is.  On the outside things are pretty normal.  But theres this whole secret life I’ve been living for a while.  I’ve been trying to change.  Really I have.  I just hope that I can pull myself together and succeed. 

I guess in the grand scheme of things, this really is the only place I can let it out, asides from therapy.  Which I’ve been going to every week, for the past 6 months.  Hell I’ve never even told my therapist some of the things that I’m planning on telling here.

I guess I should be censored or something.  Perhaps I should read the disclaimers or think about who reads this post.  I mean I wouldn’t want anybody getting any funny ideas.  Although, with all the griping I’m probably doing right now it may just be the perfect thing to prevent anyone from making the stupid choices I have.