i wrote this last night when i was offline!

I’m officially going insane, im not typing this directly into soulcast as I cant connect to the internet right now but my god I need to rant or talk to someone and this as close I can get right now..

I don’t think I can see him in the same way anymore, the image that he was practically perfect (for me) has been ruined. Witch has got me thinking, is that perhaps my problem?

I expect too much the poor guy is never gonna hit the mark?

I mean not seeming too bothered about me being upset the other night is bang out of order and I realise that, but are text messages really all that important???

To me they are especially when I haven’t seen him since Monday, and I haven’t spoken to him today, really I expect him to make a bit more effort but once again he has disappeared after 3 messages. You’ll be glad to know that I wasn’t the first to text, so that counts for something right?

Can you see why im driving myself insane, as always im flapping like a bird caught in a room my thoughts from one side of my brain to the other, never breaking through to fresh air?

Hmmmm seen as how im not sure im ever actually gonna post this I think ill number them.

1. Im upset- we haven’t seen each other in a while, he leaves for uni next wee, im not sure im going to see him before he goes
2. If we are going to do long distance witch he was so hoping for only last week, then communication via text etc. is going to be the most important thing to us surviving- christ im not gonna waste my time telling guys “sorry ive got a boyfriend” if I don’t ever get a completed conversation out of him!!!!
3. Maybe this is a natural process of relationship’s, its been a good 7 weeks now so the honey moon period is over, its getting on for 2 months and it has been very intimate and intense, talking every day texting till the early hours of the morning- if my parents knew how much money I’d spent on credit recently they wouldn’t be too happy!
4. Im not excusing his behaviour towards me but I can reasonably explain the general shift in the relationship and I think maybe ive been left behind.
5. I still want new, I always want new, and I hate those clingy girlfriends but I fear I may all of a sudden become one and I don’t like that at all!
6. I want to be strong and independent AND have a boyfriend but apparently im finding that difficult right now and I hadn’t even realised this
7. I used to be pretty unattached to my ex who I went out with for 17 months and really felt very little for in terms of love
8. Maybe I need to find a happy medium, I need to be attached to him, let him know that I like him, but I also need to like myself away from him
9. I don’t need him to be happy, yes he makes me very happy but I can be happy on my own too
10. I think in terms of my life im stuck in a sort of twig light zone, I still have 3 weeks before I go to uni, too short a time to start anything new, but still fairly long and everything here has become kinda stale. And im in a constant state of dread as too what happens after next week when my closest friend, my boyfriend (as it stands) and another friend who I always have good chats and fun with leave.
11. I need reassurance and he hasn’t offered any.
12. This has become a very long list!!!

I think it may be time for bed, I feel much better after writing all this down, and there really is only so much time you can play on a lap top for (its my new toy!) and if im honest I was hoping he would text again.

He hasnt

For now im going to tell myself its because he has a nasty head cold (witch he does) and has taken an early night. And just as I typed that my phone went off… as always ill keep you posted x

As it happens it was him that made my phone go off, he apologised for not texting back sooner, he had been out (im fine with that, as long as i get an apology and explanation), we then proceeded to have a proper conversation, he was lovely and sweet just like malways and iended the conversation saying sweet dreams, and he replied night night.  So maybe it was just a blip, they happen, im not going to get my hopes up or anything, that would be setting myself up for a fall but i am feeling much much better today, not only because of his texts but also because that list has really put my thoughts into perspective and i feel more in control.  Im sure ill be back to posting positive in no time... i hope that doesnt jinx it =)