Its 1 am and I cant sleep. Going to a country that is ahead of my normal time kicks my body clock badly. I had a short sleep and now I cant sleep.

Its probably not just because of the time change, my mind has been racing and i have many many thoughts running through my head.

You see, I am not a very talktive person. It takes a lot to draw my thoughts and put them to speech. I would say that many people find me boring cos I dont talk a lot. I am not indifferent - I just dont like to talk.

SO here we go, this will be my sleeping pills for tonight. I have an early fllight back home tomorrow and i just dont want to fight and struggle to sleep.

So what's been racing through my head? As I said, a lot.. here is the challenge, what's a lot? First is the word - Shame. I had been "hiding" cos I think this is what I had been feeling. Deep inside me, there is shame and guilt. Why? because a couple or so years ago, it dawned on me that I could be gay. Ok, i finally accepted I am gay.

It wasnt easy you know. Some people who probably havent gone through the stuggle and emotions of a gay perosn coming out would not understand. There's a lot of battle. When you are in the middle of it all and you could only choose a yes or a no, its not easy. But as all evidences point to one thing. I am gay.. whoooo

And so, that I finally took on. Now , what is this.. I had felt shame and guilt. Its not a very loud voice. It was coming from inside that has a whip. It cracks its mighty whip when I try to do or go places where I can be known as who I am. A gay person!

ANd so like a dog who's tail is between its legs, i would be running away. Running from?? I'd say God, life, those who are close to me, people.. I just saw myself tonight scared of the shame my sexuality can give me.. aghhh

I saw a tiny bit of light here, maybe my whip was imaginary. I am not to feel scared or ashamed. Maybe God has fogiven and accepted me as I am. Maybe God accepts me.

I am too tired to be scared at the moment. I have tried facing one of my ghosts by telling my sister who I really am. She wasnt surprised or shocked which shocked me. She said she knew since we were kids. Oohhhh i had been walking on egg shells for no reason?. What a fool and what a crafty deceit!!!! I was led to beleive I was able to hide it and no one will notice if i ignore and pretend well. Shoockkkss. I am the only person that beleived it. Somehow everyone knew who I am.. Sheet shoot..

Why do I feel ashamed? Specially to God? I have said before to those who listend to me teach the Bible, for it is b grace you have been saved and not of yourselves. For a moment as a preacher of he Word, I felt spotless and too clean to need grace.

I feel that many speak about His grace and yet not truly comprehend it. I feel that Its those who know that there is grace are the very people that condemns. An irony.. I did know there is grace, but i also condemned others. Because they fall short of my expecations. Yep thats right.. who cares about God's expectations since they cant even pass mine. Whew! 

Yep, sad sad sad.. but I did feel and acted it and i even felt justified to feel it.

more later..