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If I have to Explain This Once More, I'll Lose My Mind

PaigeLe'Editor posted on Sep 05, 2008 | views: 274 | Tags: editing, Heaven help us, your, Their, corrections, What The Hell, the barman
I edit, therefore I go crazy!
 
Well, well, well, it seems someone was napping in English class!
 
I see these mistakes day in and day out, and
they're beginning to get on my nerves!
 
I'm going to keep it simple, so pay attention!
 
There-refers to a place:  Over there!
Their-refers to ownership: Their dog!
They're-is another way to say they are: They're happy!
 
On to Your! 
Another constant source of annoyance for yours truly!
 
Your-refers to ownership: Your cookie!
You're-is another way of saying you are: You're so funny!


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Comments

  • Scaramouche said on Sep 05, 2008....
    Even worse is the whole "loose/lose" thing.  Drives me batshit.  That, and "based off."  Things aren't based OFF, they're based ON.  GAAH.  People ought to have to pass a basic literacy test in order to breed.
  • junioreditor said on Sep 05, 2008....
    Or reading one.

    Oh, sorry Dear, I didn't see you there. Do you know I was locked out of my own office for the better part of one half hour this afternoon? The door has a mind of it's own these days. Only Walter knew the secret to opening it, and now, alas, he's gone. I tried to gain entry without success, so I went to Starbucks instead.

    I've just finished reading the latest from Client, and I'm a tad curious about something. When did he become so enamoured with derrieres?
    Never mind, it isn't important.
    I agree with Mr. Mouche as far as loose/lose are concerned. It is most annoying.

    Well, I'm stepping out for a few. I'll be very surprised if I can get back in.
    Toodles.
    P and most certainly S, Darling~ Ladies room graffiti refers to you as a "grammar nazi". We're having it removed, of course.
  • Lucytorial said on Sep 06, 2008....
    I'm sure that graffiti was done by Sally in hole punching.  She has it in for you, I guess she wants your job and is jealous.

    Heady days ahead.  As for lazy gramma dear, really! I can't fathom why it gets up your nose like a long lost nemisis.  Thats why they are our clients, they cannot spell, provide us with the correct ' and ! and , and .'s.  You know those little periods? aren't they lovely, more people need to use them but you are fighting an up hill battle dear.
     
    Mimosa?
  • junioreditor said on Sep 06, 2008....
    Are the rumours true, Lucy T.? Whispers around the Cloud Juice cooler have you rising up the ladder so quickly smoke is forming around your feet!
    Fancy coffees won't do for this news! Break out the champers, Darling! Uncork something totally delish!
  • PaigeLe'Editor said on Sep 06, 2008....
    Ms. Torial, I can't help myself!  I'm a born editor!
    My first attempt was when I was three, and edited Robert the Rose Horse with orange crayon.
     
    Mr. Mouche, I see we have a kinship and I see you have a thing for Junie!
     
    Junie, Walter is NEVER returning to work at B. B., but since he calls me every two hours, I'll ask him the door secret.
    Damn, it''ll cost me, but I'd do anything for a great friend like you!
  • KMT said on Sep 06, 2008....
    Can someone tell me what you're quoting from?! I must read it right away!!
  • PaigeLe'Editor said on Sep 06, 2008....
    Quoting?
    These words are my own, Dear!
  • Scaramouche said on Sep 06, 2008....
    This may sound odd - perhaps even shocking, but I tend to become aroused by people with a more precise and subtle command of English than my own.  I would SO be Gore Vidal's bitch, for example.  However, I'm truly laid waste by those who look as if their English should be atrocious but turns out not to be.  Give me a Pakistani with a caucasian bone structure and no trace of an accent and I'm done for.
  • junioreditor said on Sep 06, 2008....
    Dearest KMT, you must go through proper channels to procure employment with our prestigious firm. May I suggest beginning here:

    http://www.soulcast.com/post/show/144838/So-Many-Mistakes%2C-so-Little-Time

    You're sure to find everything you need to know about BB Literary Press here.
    If you have further questions, please feel free to pm me.

    Mr. Mouche,
    Aren't you the charmer! While I do possess the required bone structure, you will, perhaps, be disappointed to find I do indeed speak the Queen's English with an accent foreign to the American ear.


  • Scaramouche said on Sep 06, 2008....
    My Dear j___________;

      You'd be surprised at my ears.  For example, I was able to pick up the fact that my first (and indeed only) year Mandarin professor, a charming fellow by the name of Yu-Ming Zhu, had spent a scant few years studying in Australia merely by conversing with him.  Henry Higgins has nothing on me.

    Proper English accents are, as far as I'm concerned, 'dead sexy.'  As long as you're not from Yorkshire, and have no propensity for wearing burberry caps, I'm sure we'll get on famously.
  • junioreditor said on Sep 06, 2008....
    So, tha wouldn't go for a drink with a Huddersfield lass?
  • Expendable said on Sep 06, 2008....

    To: KMT

    From: Ex

    It's the firm's client. A creative speller bent on obscure conspiracy therories who likes to spout off occassionally on the evils of pornography with teasing little glimpses at their own sick little fantasies. Really the work is incredibly raw and you should wait until after the editors have worked their magic - assuming they retain their sanity.

    Eventually we'll get around to the press releases. The boss is convinced this is one book you can be sure is going someplace - but I must admit sometimes I'm hoping it's not to a landfill.

  • Scaramouche said on Sep 06, 2008....
    ...only if I could get Upperthong.  ;)
  • KMT said on Sep 07, 2008....
    I am entirely confused at this point...everyone seemed to be quoting some hilarious text...and I must read all text that is hilarious... Expendable - It's the firm's client? What firm...I am lost...forgive my naivety...
  • KMT said on Sep 07, 2008....
    nevermind, I think I've figured this out and it's very entertaining
  • junioreditor said on Sep 07, 2008....
    To: KMT
    From: June
    Subject: Welcome

    You see, Darling? Welcome to the firm. Pick an office, call the decorators, order your name cards...that's all there is to it. Oh, and enjoy yourself!

    Fancy coffees to follow.
    Don't offer coffee to Lenore.
  • junioreditor said on Sep 07, 2008....
    Why, Mr. Mouche, you are curling my toes!
  • Scaramouche said on Sep 07, 2008....
    Damn - I seem to have this dratted machine set wrong.  Hope they don't blister, my dear.
  • PaigeLe'Editor said on Sep 08, 2008....
    I know of a certain tall, dark, Latin who's going to be very jealous!
  • Scaramouche said on Sep 08, 2008....
    Jealousy is easily averted.  We'll simply invite him to the party.  I think there are enough pillows in conference room 3.  You bring the champagne, and I'll get this horrid curler working properly...
  • KMT said on Sep 08, 2008....

    Marvelous, the decorators are hard at work in my new office. I do enjoy the view! I think I'll have them paint the back wall a nice muave. I hear it's a soothing color, and you know how upset the clients can get! Silly I should say.

    We're having a party? Shall I bring Caviar?

  • MissMimi said on Sep 08, 2008....

    Ms. Le'Editor:  I would so appreciate it if you could, at your earliest convenience of course, address the issue of the scandalous practice of using "u" for "you" and "ur" for both "you're" and "your".

    Frankly, I am at a loss as to how to deal with these abominations.

  • PaigeLe'Editor said on Sep 08, 2008....
    Miss M, the use of text speak in formal writing is an abomination perpetrated by a hell beast!
    I shall address it at my earliest convenience!
     
    There's a party in conference 3?
    So sorry I can't attend, I have a 3:30 with Dan/Don from Harper's!
     
    Keep Walter away from the ladies, would you?
    Oh, and keep Lenore away from the coffee!
    That last incident was ghastly!
  • MissMimi said on Sep 08, 2008....
    Thank u!  Ur a peach!
  • Scaramouche said on Sep 08, 2008....
    To: All Employees
    From: The Office of Mr. Mouche
    Subject: Party in Conference Room 3

    It has come to my attention that certain of my improprieties have become the subject of water-cooler gossip.  This is unconscionable.  I stoutly refuse to be the subject of furtive whispering when open, even casual conversation would do just as well.  In order to put a stop to these shenanigans I propose a raucous party in Conference 3.  With everyone invited, the janitorial staff may find themselves somewhat strained, so they're invited as well.  Caviar and champagne are already arranged, evidently.  I hereby volunteer to provide various stimulants, prophylactics, and curling implements.  Everything else should be provided by the staff on a "pot-luck" basis.  I seem to recall a prostitute who could puff cigarettes with her genitals at last year's office Christmas party.  If whoever hired her would ask her to come back, I think the festivities would really start off with a bang, if you'll pardon the phrase.

    While this may not eliminate the actual topic of the scandalous rumormongering, it should at least render everyone equally guilty, thereby greatly toning down the volume of the awkward, turgid silence we've all had to endure of late.  To that end, I look forward to seeing you all...

    -- S. Mouche
  • Expendable said on Sep 08, 2008....
    Some days I'm really glad I can telecommute.
  • junioreditor said on Sep 08, 2008....
    Mr. Ex, you are too, too funny!

    Kay M'Tee, caviar? Whee!
    I do so love mauve, every girl looks lovely eating caviar in mauve light. Do your windows face north? Mauve, in northern light, takes years off you.

    As for you, Mr. Mouche.....if you would bother to peruse BB's catalogue, you will notice we have NEVER published porn, and we will NEVER entertain the possibility of publishing porn. We thank you to keep your memos clean enough for the most innocent employee to read. You'd do well to remember that Paige has the power to edit you out of your job!

    MissMimi, Darling! How are you? Lucy T, Paige, Kay M'Tee, Cyndi Lauper, and I are having a girls night out next week. We'll start with dinner at Tavern On The Green and just go crazy from there. Wanna come with?
  • KMT said on Sep 08, 2008....

    Oh drat, I adore the sunshine in the morning so I had requested that my windows face East! Oh dear...do tell, what color shall we switch to then?

    Ah yes, a girls night out sounds ravishing!

  • Lucytorial said on Sep 09, 2008....
    To: Mr. Mouche
    CC: Paige, Ex, Mr C, and Juni
    Re: Party in Conference Room 3
     
    It should all be set up folks however there is one thing I would like to clarify.  I AM NOT (yes I know shouting is not very lady like) the entertainment.  Last year I recall Mr RC that you spiked my champagne and had me dancing on the table tops naked wearing two old martini glasses for a bra.  I strongly suggest that we re-hire the bar man at the last party.  I think his name is Mr. C Java, rather juicy number as you may recall.
     
    As for nibblies I have decided on some rather tropical canape's nothing too heavy and certainly not fried, I'm thinking also a little sushimi would do the trick.
     
    Please forward any personal requests for catering directly to myself.  I will attend most hastily.
     
    L Torial.
  • Scaramouche said on Sep 09, 2008....
    Porn!?  Why the...

    ...hmmm...

    Ahh, I see.  A simple typo.  It should have read; "Puppies are nice.  Carry on."  That's the last time I draft a memo in the depths of an ether binge...
  • cuppajava said on Sep 09, 2008....

    To : All

    From: The Barman

    I have just been informed that I am to be appointed as the barman for the up coming party in Conference Room 3.If this is the case,then this year I would like to do things a little differently than last year.I have little or no memory of last year anyway - so....

    Am to be responsible for providing the 'entertainment' as well ? If so then,I will endevour to secure the services of a certain lady who was bar dancing naked at last year's party and see if she is 'available'.

    It seems like the menu for the evening has been taken care of,but might i suggest a few bowls of 'free' peanuts.? It encourages the patrons and guests to drink a little more alcoholand enjoy a little more conversation,as the more they drink,the more 'complimentary' the peanuts get.

    Any and all suggestions are welcome - only if they are thought through and planned methodically first,just to save me the headache

    These will be tabled at the next Bored ( bring your pillow ) meeting

     

    Kind regards

    Mr C.Java (Esq) 

  • Expendable said on Sep 09, 2008....
    To: All
    From: Ex
     
    Re: Conference Room 3
     
    Sadly I will not be able to attend this party as that is the night I have to backup my hard drive.
     
    Sorry.
     
  • junioreditor said on Sep 09, 2008....
    Mr. Pendable, Darling,
    I have to back up my hard drive?
    Is that geek speak for I have to wash my hair?
    We will certainly miss you at the party, Mr. P.  From what I hear, Mr. Java is quite an entertaining barman. Did you know he trained Tom Cruise for his role as the barman in the movie "Cocktail"?

     Kay, Darling, keep your eastern exposure, by all means!  I'm not a morning person, but I know some do relish the bright sunlight when they awaken. It only succeeds in making me come out in spots.

    Mr. Mouche, your sweet apologies are graciously accepted. The handsome young man Paige alluded to is my darling Diego. While I've never paid attention to the rumours about him (they refer to him as "Tall, Dark, & Deadly"), I'm very careful never to give him a reason to be jealous.


  • Lucytorial said on Sep 10, 2008....
    To: juni
    CC: Paige, Mr. Mouche
     
    My humblest apologies in pointing the finger at Mr. Mouche for spiking my drink.  I do believe that it was none other than! the bar tender. 
     
    My memory of last year was a little hazy until I saw this memo, too late I'm afraid.
     
    By the way has anyone seen a red zippered boot stilleto? size 8, polished to a mirror, left foot?
     
    Please return no questions asked post haste.
     
    L Torial.
  • Scaramouche said on Sep 10, 2008....
    TO: Ms. Torial
    FROM: The Office of Mr. Mouche
    RE: Red Boot

    My dear L___;

         I must humbly confess to the deed.  There's really no need to get into the various eccentricities of my "funny" Uncle Eugene.  Suffice to say that he tends to fuel his excesses by prevailing upon family rather too much, and we tend to indulge him lest he reveal our own.  The article in question has been devoured by badgers, I'm afraid.  Nasty business.  If you like, I'll take you shoe-shopping in Soho, with a little jaunt to St. Marks if we fail to find a boot that fills the bill.  I know a wonderful little bar there that serves Highland Park by the pint.  We can do a proper liquid lunch.

         Unfortunately, if you needed boots for the party, I'm afraid there's little to be done.  Perhaps some latex tool-dip?

         Yours;

         S. Mouche

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