Okay, so it’s time for some brutally honest reflection.

I’m having a love-hate relationship with my newfound circumstances. I really like my apartment. It’s spacious, convenient, etc. … and yet I’m finding myself already falling into some of the bad habits I had at my last place…including putting off cleaning ‘till it would take me 2 full days to clean the place to a point where I could have someone over…as if I’d ever actually do such a thing. Last week my classes ended on Thursday…with the holiday on Monday I didn’t leave my apartment or see another person face-to-face until Wednesday when I went to pay my rent and had a class. I hadn’t realized how important being able to go home for the weekend really was to me. I’ve been fairly anti-social since high school, but at least in undergrad I got to see my parents (whom I generally get along with well and enjoy spending time with) on the weekends. My greatest company here is my guinea pig, Spaz. I love him to pieces, but the whole idea of him being my regional best friend is sort of sad for me.

Lissa had song lyrics up in her away message the other day. Lissa and I have always thought a lot alike…it shouldn’t have surprised me really, that her lyric of choice captured how I was feeling exactly. It was “Adam’s Song” by Blink 182. My favorite part of that song has always been the lyric “I couldn't wait till I got home to pass the time in my room alone” because it describes me perfectly. I rush home because here is the only place I’m not constantly dealing with very near full onset panic…and yet I’m miserable here. This all proved to remind me of how much I miss Lissa…and when I say I miss Lissa, what I really mean is that I miss the friendship she and I had in high school. She came over to my old place once and spent the weekend with me…and while I enjoyed her company and it was good to catch up…it just wasn’t the same. I used to not understand why Lissa didn’t get that the old “group” would never be what it was in high school ever again…now I’m the one that wishes she could live in the past.

Also, I *hate* driving in this town. It could be worse, I fully admit that…but I don’t do traffic and in comparison to what I’m used to, this city is completely insane. One of my class times results in my having to be out in the middle of rush hour…which seems to be done here in a fashion where everyone bunches up into a pack and drives 100 miles per hour…and you have to drive that fast or your respective pack will run over you. I actually did alright on the way home today…but I didn’t like it much. I still about have a coronary every time I have to go to my class downtown – I have nightmares of ending up going the wrong way on a one way street. On the brighter side, at the main campus {once I actually get there} I *love* the shuttle bus – at least that saves me from driving in *that* congestion…and finding parking at the stadium is never a problem.

Then there’s the TV. I have the most craptastic cable on the planet. I watch a lot of TV. I like TV…I could like worse things. In this apartment, unlike at my former place, I leave the TV on even when I’m studying because if I turn it off I can hear the constant roar of the highway right outside my window. I’d rather watch Cops on TV than listen to the real thing outside…thank you very much. TruTV {formerly CourtTV} is just about the only thing interesting on, too {there’s a woman on there at the moment claiming that her neighbor choked her to death…you can’t say *that’s* not interesting}…considering I get like 6 channels. I exaggerate, but not all that much. If you watch TruTV for more than 3 hours at a time they start to replay things…and you start to feel like you’re loosing your mind. I have been enjoying TLC’s What Not To Wear {Stacy London is impossibly fabulous and paired with Clinton Kelly I could watch them all day *literally* laughing out loud}, but even that only goes so far. I’m desperate for a cable upgrade…which I’ll gladly pay for…but unfortunately that process goes through the same person that I’ve been trying to get a land-line installed through for the past 3 weeks. Tom is not on top of his game.

I’m not sure it’s all really sunk in yet. I’m still sort of overwhelmed by the city, the new program, the extra work, etc. I keep thinking that I don’t really want to be here…but intellectually I know that I was handed a beautiful opportunity here and I need to make the best of it. I want to go home…but I don’t because with the exception of my parents, there’s nothing for me there. No academic programs I’m interested in, no jobs…*sigh*
I’m pretty sure I hate the law class. I have a lot of respect for anyone that gets up in front of a classroom {not something I’ll do without coercion!} but this guy is just odd. He basically lectures about anything and whatever he wants regardless of what the reading covered. He kept coming over and looking right at me when he was talking about English law because he confused me with the British foreign exchange student. Other then the fact that we were both wearing a shade of green and had our hair pulled up, that girl and I look nothing alike. The rest of the class found the whole thing amusing…it made me uncomfortable. I was waiting for him to ask me something about British law…that wouldn’t have been fruitful.

Foundations, on the other hand, went beautifully yesterday. Dr. H gave us case studies and we spent almost the entire 3 hours discussing them. It’s a great class, people from many different backgrounds including two medical doctors {plus Dr. H}. It was an amazing discussion. *That* is what I came here for. *That* is why I do what I do. It’s what I live for. Greatest class session ever. It actually even pissed me off a little bit that Sarah looked so bored during the whole thing. If you don’t like the foundations course you should probably get out of the program. I really, really hope we have more classes like that in the future.

Apparently I’m meeting Lauren for lunch at the Student Center on Monday. We were originally going to do lunch then go meet with our Law professor before our Psych class, but that didn’t pan out…but we’re going to meet for lunch anyway. For me that’s a big social outing…so hopefully it goes well. I really like Lauren but she doesn’t seem to be the type of person that usually ends up being a long term friend with me. Not many people understand my anxiety issues…to be honest I usually don’t bother to try to explain them…I just don’t go out.

It’s stressful…I *want* to be happy and successful…and social and friendly…and liked…but sometimes I feel like I don’t even know how to be that anymore. It’s gotten worse instead of better. If I don’t start to feel better about things, there’s always the option of the free mental health services the school offers…but I’ve been down that path before, I don’t know if I want to go there again…I just know I don’t want to feel this way forever.