• uniquely-ironic said on Sep 04, 2008....

  do you care to explain that?  I think I know what you mean, but lately every time I think I know what I'm talking about I find out that I'm mistaken.
   
  BTW, if it's what I think it is, the answer is probably.

• travelr712 said on Sep 04, 2008....

  just something i'm finally able to admit to myself unique. i think that unspoken obsession has driven allot of heartbreak in my life.

• secretlife said on Sep 04, 2008....

  don't feel bad trav-  i need to be wanted.
  we all have our needs, right?
   

• travelr712 said on Sep 04, 2008....

  so true, secret.

• Twylarants said on Sep 04, 2008....

  But Trav, do you want to spend your life with a needy person? You may be attracted to an independent woman, but if you try to do everything for her because you need to be needed, she'll resent you before long, believe me.
  Needing to be wanted, like Secret said...well, that's just romantic. I'd much rather a man want me than want me to need him.
  

• travelr712 said on Sep 05, 2008....

  oh, i agree twyla. like they say, the first step to a cure is admitting you have a problem, right?

• RollingC said on Sep 05, 2008....

  No it's not a bad thing Travelr...... it makes you feel wanted, to have a purpose in life and what's wrong with that?
  Nothing!
  :^)
  Rc
  

• Twylarants said on Sep 05, 2008....

  Oh, no, Trav...I didn't mean it's bad to be that way!  Don't get me wrong, what I meant was that some women don't like to be looked upon as being needy.  Maybe you're attracted to women who aren't really needy, and when you try to fullfill their needs, they push you away.
  And needy women are usually attracted to the type of man who appears strong and capable of taking care of them, but isn't a caretaker by nature.
  This is hard for me to explain, and I can think of at least 10 women here who can explain it much better than I can.
  Where are they?? Hello??
  
  
  
  
  
  

• uniquely-ironic said on Sep 05, 2008....

  Unfortunately I relate all too well.  It was only after realizing that by my being a needy person I was putting myself into a bad situation that I immediately flopped into the caretaker position which sucks even more if the person has a huge needy complex.  It sucks the life out of you. 
   
  I'm sure you already know this, but perhaps you should aim at being a complete independant individual who is looking for another complete independant individual who likes (not needs) company.

• Twylarants said on Sep 05, 2008....

  Yes! See? I knew the other women would know just what to say.
  Uni is so right! Taking care of a needy person sucks the life out of you. And being taken care of by a "need to be needed" person is torture for the uneedy person!
  Being independent doesn't mean you never need a shoulder to cry on, or never need another opinion...it just means you don't need someone else doing your thinking for you, or telling you how to handle a situation, or how you should have handled a situation.
  There's a fine line between needing to be needed and control freak.
  

• travelr712 said on Sep 05, 2008....

  i see your point rc, and it's a good one. i think my problem comes in that when nobody has a need for me, then i feel worthless, because i have no purpose. did that make sense? the first part, being needed, is fine. the second part, feeling worthless when i'm not, that's what i need to change about myself.
   
  i understood very well what you were saying twyla. it was a matter of interpretation of intention on my part. i can recognize a woman with needs a mile away blindfolded with my eyes shut. i can establish a relationship with them very quickly. women who are not in need, well i try and find something i can 'fix' for them, so they'll be grateful and like me. they don't like that!
   
  continuing the comment on to ui, cause it relates. so women who are not in need, feel, oh, maybe invaded? and give me that look and walk away.
   
  women who are in need, when the need is over, don't need me anymore.
   
  and yes, taking care of a 'needy' (high maintenance?) person is in a totally separate catagory. and not a good one for me either, because i'm too independant.
   
  the 'control freak' part, i got from my father. i think i've nearly successfully killed all of that influence off. hmm, perhaps this question, and the answers i'm discovering, are the end of that long and arduous process?
   
  wish me luck :-)

• gingersoul said on Sep 05, 2008....

  My last boyfriend was a very needy man.........at the end thi drove me to dump him
  He was constantly asking for attention and extra care. He had a very sensitive side and i had to be careful with my sarcasm and humorism........he would frown easily.. Plus, he was a control freak...
   
  Please, i dont need that........i have already my daughter to take care of.
   
  Wanting to be needed is natural......but there is such a subtle line between this feeling and an unbalanced relationship.
   
  On the other hand, my ex husband had what i call Superman Syndrome.....he would fall for anybody who would need him.....friends, stranger and women....
   
  I had been the only woman in his life that he didn't perceive as needy....but alas.....he left me for an extremely needy one...... ...go figure.....lol... 
   
  I want my man to need me and i want to need him but not to the point that our dynamic is poisoned because is lacking independence and self esteem. Only when you have both you can have a healthy relationship.

• polarheart said on Sep 05, 2008....

  I wrote something very similar to this recently and "NO" it is NOT a bad thing.  I also need to be wanted. . .it happens to be a very big need in me.
   
  ((((hugs)))
  Polar

• badasianmom said on Sep 05, 2008....

  Maybe you could become a counselor, nurse, social worker, or some line of work where you will have the opportunity to help people with needs.
  
  I've taken care of some needy people before, and it was a lot of work. The other problem was that it's been a very long process for them to become independent. A lot of needy people don't really want to become independent. They let themselves wallow in neediness for a long time, sometimes all their lives.
  
  Maybe you could shift your paradigm and not measure your worth by how much you are needed.
  

• travelr712 said on Sep 05, 2008....

  i think you hit it right there ginger, the 'lacking independence and self esteem' part is what turns a healthy need into an obsession.
   
  oh, i know in my earlier comments i was specific to women, but it happens with men too.
   
  i think i remember that one polar. i guess i'm making a distinction between needing to be wanted and needing to be needed. you see, one thing i would do is find a woman in need, use that need to get her to become dependant on me, and call that love. not that there wasn't love in my relationships, but when the need was gone, i thought the love was gone too, because they didn't need me. see what i mean? maybe you mean the same thing and are just using a different word?
   
  that's what i'm trying to do now bad. but i'm just at the stage of realizing that it is an unhealthy obsession in me. i am only in the last few weeks, beginning to identify and separate this out of my interactions with people, so i can examine it and decide what i want to do with it. i know that i don't want to be a counselor or whatever, i'm finally doing what i really love. and you're right, it can be allot of work to take care of needy people. they like to be dependant, because for one thing, then they have someone to blame when things don't go the way they want them to.

• polarheart said on Sep 05, 2008....

  Hmm, you are right, Trav.  I have a need to be wanted, and I dont think its the same as need to be needed. . .I think truthfully it is quite egotistical compared to needing to be needed.  At least you want to offer something. . .I just need to be wanted. . .just for who I am and not for what I can offer. . .don't you think that is rather "sick" of me?? This is a sincere question.  It's like I'm saying "want me, want me", but I am sure people must be thinking "why, what for? what have you got that's anything special?"

  But I a glad you see that just because people need you is not the same as love.  Not that I really know what love is either.  Sorry, I am rambling and not making any sense at all...forgive me.

  Love Polar x

• travelr712 said on Sep 05, 2008....

  you're making allot of sense polley. from your description, yes, wanting to be wanted is different. i would say it's in the same class as mine tho. it's always difficult for sensative people to believe that others would like us just for who we are, isn't it?

• wombat said on Sep 05, 2008....

  Everybody needs to feel needed.  When you feel like you aren't, well, that's the worst.  I feel out of touch, our of sorts and alone a lot of the time--but soon as I recognize that I have some worth by just being there and being myself--well--that's just the best.

• travelr712 said on Sep 05, 2008....

  ya wombie, it's the balance. i don't want to give up on being needed, that shows that i have things to offer that are valuable to other people. i'm just going to give up feeling worthless when i don't think i'm needed for anything. and ya know, it's not that i'm not needed, i suddenly realize. it's just that they don't have some crisis at the moment that i can fix for them and look like a hero. but that doesn't mean they don't need my friendship. and i need theirs too. and that's a good thing to need.

• wombat said on Sep 05, 2008....

  The way I see it, the person doesn't have to be "in crisis" to need you.  Sometimes they just need you to keep being yourself and being around, and when you are not and they notice--then you realize you are needed just as you are.  And it's a Friday night.....ha.  You should be dancing!

• lionesss said on Sep 05, 2008....

  Hiya trav, no i dnt think its a bad thing, my fear is that my kids growing up and not needing me, but i know deep down that will never happen
  now when it comes to relationships im no good at all, as im good natured and love doing things for them , they start to take advantage, my last relationship was  utterly disatrus''sp'' i couldnt see what he was doing but of course my bezzie mate could but i wouldnt listen and in the end my illness really suffered and i spent a good 2yrs ill in hospital, all because i gave a inch and he took a mile...  but i can say when i did finally open my eyes to what was going off ''putting it bluntly a massive kick up the jacksy from pusscat'' he was dumped ..so now im very weary, and im happy for my kids to need me and for me to need them~~~lionesss x

• travelr712 said on Sep 05, 2008....

  lol wombie! i'll be karyoking tomorrow night :-) and ya, you hit it right on the head. what you said always made sense to me before... for other people. but never for me. but it's what i want to be like now, so i'm gonna change.
   
  well way to go pusscat! sometimes lioness, it takes a good kick to get us to wake up, doesn't it? and kids, well, they're a whole different catagory. they're supposed to be needy, cause they can't fend for themselves. ya know, my daughter is 24, and we're very close, but whenever i call, she never calls me back if i get the machine, or she'll be busy and can't talk. but sometimes, we just talk for hours about everything. and when she's got a computer problem, she's right on the phone (i am good for something :-) kids grow up and get their own lives, their own problems, their own kids. that's what we as parents are working towards. so in a way, i'm proud my daughter doesn't call me back, doesn't need me so much anymore, cause she's grown into a pretty incredible adult.

• queenparanoia said on Sep 06, 2008....

  nope... i want to be needed too... ;-)

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