it's only been ten hours since my last post.  thankfully i got some sleep last night.  i only woke once and almost cried but fell back asleep before the tear came.  i had dreams but they weren't bad...well, atleast i'm not remembering them.  as i lie there waiting for sleep to come the thoughts just keep rolling around in my head.  what to do, what to do....thinking about it didn't give me any answers.  i supose there are no true answers.  just gotta keep going.  it's amazing how things always seem " better" in the morning.  Not! better really.  but clearer....maybe.....

As far as the hubbie goes, well, he is sleeping in my son's bed.  the one that went to college.  maybe i should RENT him the room.  fuck him.  it's so hard when there is so much anger.  atleast i don't have to talk to him.  sleeping with him is out of the question.  thank god he was wise enough not to come in my room. 

so today is my baby's first day of school.  of his Senior Year.  i couldn't help but remember when he was little and how i used to always take their pictures on the first day.  i was almost tempted to do so, but that would have probably pissed him off.  he was just not diggin getting up at 6:30am. haaaaaaaa....but he did look cute. as far as that goes anyway.  he reminded me how "this whole school thing sucks...."  and now thinking about it...yeah it does.  i just hope he has a good day......someone's gotta. 

as far as my "friend" goes.  i'm gonna just leave things as they are.  it's obvious that he's not into the whole "married woman" thing.  but he's the one that started this.  if anyone ever reads this.  I did not cheat.  except in my mind.  and i know i would, with him, given the opportunity.  one can only be lonely for so long.  i've decided not to make an effort to contact him.  if he comes around well then......i'll just have to wait and see.  we have been friends for far too long to blow it over something crazy.  but....... i need to talk to him.  there is so much to say.  but the words will get in the way and the underlying feelings are definately!! there.  hhhhhhhhhh this life is far too complicated. 

it's so sad to see the summer over.  i'm looking out at my beautiful flowers and know that soon they will be gone.  hit by the frost and black and rotting.  as that time grows closer, i will dream of their death.  i love them all.  i worked so hard to see their beauty and i never had enough time to appreciate them.  i know that next year, i will not be here to nuture them.  i fear that they will be lost to neglect.  and that is so sad too. 

this has been a summer that is too sad.  but yet i will miss it.  the warmth of the sun, the long days....time.  that is excaping me. 

i have to go to work.  my shower is waiting.  and i finally have my car.  even if i have it to go back and forth to work....it's waiting for me too.  oh thank god today is thursday.!!!!  i've gotta go, i need the money$$$$$........ i need.....