I hurried to toss a few other things into the bag, shoes, etc. Grabbed a muffin from the fridge and headed to the car, Aaron at my heels. The whole way, we sat, not in silence. There's always conversation. He drove the little civic, I fed him some of my poppy seed muffin. It was the last hour before I boarded a plane to a little rock in the middle of the sea. And I had never felt so much pain in such a tiny space. I never even knew it existed.
As the scenery rolled by, I realized... August 29th was the day that I left my heart to fend for itself.
It's now September 4th, still in the wee hours of the morning. 12:09 AM...And I'm talking to Aaron. He makes my heart pitter patter. He makes me realize that giving up is not an option. So I fight. I fight to stay here, stay alive, to come back home.
But something he said to me tonight made me hurt.
"You don't want to be attached to me"
I spilled to him. Told him that I wasn't going to push it. I wished he knew just how great he was, how amazing he is, and how he needs to know that he's worthmore than just a few cuddles or sex or whatever it is that the girls are after. He held me when I cried, when I needed it. He saw deeper into me than anyone ever has, and his laugh has made me smile countless times.
You know what he said? "Don't worry. one day it'll mean nothing."
And now, all I feel is pain.
pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. there are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.
it is never easy to will yourself out of bed every morning when the monotonous tones of a depressing day lies ahead. it is never easy to confront the fears that bolt you straight down to the ground, impairing all sense of optimism and faith that was once a part of what you were. it is never easy to look at the bright side of life, to appreciate the little things that sprout around you when negativity is all but overwhelming.
most of all, it is never easy to imagine a better tomorrow when all you have is a really bad today.
but you struggle to push through, to live life one day at a time till you heal. and during the days when you just can't face reality, you have the people who love you to pick you up, and carry you across the finish line. no matter what, you will always have your own personal cheerleader by your side chanting dazzling cheers of strength to guide your way.
i will be here, even when you forsake me, even when you forget.
it is never easy to will yourself out of bed every morning when the monotonous tones of a depressing day lies ahead. it is never easy to confront the fears that bolt you straight down to the ground, impairing all sense of optimism and faith that was once a part of what you were. it is never easy to look at the bright side of life, to appreciate the little things that sprout around you when negativity is all but overwhelming.
most of all, it is never easy to imagine a better tomorrow when all you have is a really bad today.
but you struggle to push through, to live life one day at a time till you heal. and during the days when you just can't face reality, you have the people who love you to pick you up, and carry you across the finish line. no matter what, you will always have your own personal cheerleader by your side chanting dazzling cheers of strength to guide your way.
i will be here, even when you forsake me, even when you forget.
