i know deep down my family loves me, but i think they are struggling with the disconnect between what they see me (an obedient overachieving 8 year old child) and who i've become (an independent 33 year old woman). my family right now is going through a transition of relocating halfway across the country to retire closer to me. in the process, my dad and brother have been staying with me intermittently for the past year. more recently my brother has been living with me for the past four months and probably will for another four.
when i tried to explain to my family that while i still love them and don't mind them staying with me for short stays (of a few weeks) at a time, i needed my space. they don't understand. "what do you mean, 'i don't mind?!' we are your family. there's no minding!" i tried to explain to them that it doesn't mean i love them any less, just that i need my mental space. like many other instances where they were unhappy with what i say or do, my dad, and even more so, my mom, who can be illogical and very dramatic with yelling and screaming, repeatedly tell me that they wish they never brought the kids to the states, how much they've sacrificed, how i'm a heartless daughter, undeserving of a family. they tell me that nothing is stronger than a family and that my friends are fake and are unlikely to be there for me when i need them. the list of hurtful things they tell me goes on.
i tell myself that what they say comes from a good place deep down, but they don't realize how hurtful it is...that this is the only way they know how to communicate. i've been trying to change or at least try to make them understand my side of the story, but it just seems to make things worse. when i try to speak up and stand up for myself, they think that i've become arrogant, condescending and lost my family values, just like the distant aunt who died without friends or family at her side and if i continue my arrogance, that that would be the start of my demise.
i've isolated myself from my friends because their advice to stand my ground and voice my opinion only makes me angrier with my parents. i don't want to lose my family. my few romantic relationships have failed because of their constant intrusive disapprovals. no one was good enough. a few years ago, they threatened to disown me if i continued to date my then boyfriend. i broke things off with him and things got a bit better, but never the same, as i stopped sharing stories about any aspect of my social life with them. i feared that if i continue to live within their standards, that i'll never be able to live the way i want.
