My rants and vents are still too polite. They come across more like angst or whines, perhaps. How do I explain this? I'm too logical and pleasant? I never get angry?

I grew up in a way where my opinions and feelings were not really valued or welcome. As soon as I tried to express any intimate personal thought or emotion, it would get dismissed. Perhaps this is because I'm a woman.

I rarely get really upset, but when I do, it can prompt me to positive change and action, but then I wonder why I didn't take action before I got angry?

Even on my work evaluations I am told that I am "very pleasant" to work with. So what's the problem?

The problem is, my nicey niceness, which I often try to maintain at all costs, doesn't seem to help me make any friends. Nobody hates me, that's for sure, and I have many good acquaintances, but I just can't seem to make any close friends.

I envy one of my co-workers, A., who seems to have that natural warmth that makes people want to talk to her, even when she doesn't actively seek it. And in the past six months, she's had a coffee buddy with another co-worker, S. What made them click as buddies? When A. went on a trip overseas and came back, she first texted S. with the news. What made them so close?

I often feel like there's a huge gap between how I think I ought to be, how I think I am, and how I really am. I am an idealist, so I am often disappointed when I don't meet my own high expectations, and when others don't meet my high expectations. Also, there are a lot of things that other people do that I don't subscribe to, such as smoke, get drunk, do drugs, party, sleep around, use profanity, and/or other things that I don't like and/or don't want to do. Often, people seem to form social groups or friendships around these activities.

The people that I am closest to all seem to be outcasts. Both of my closest best friends have disabilities. I have long wanted just normal friends, if such a thing exists. You know, the normal friend who has a job, a house, a spouse, 2.5 kids, etc. I just can't seem to befriend those kinds of people. I recently befriended some people on an internet forum, and guess what? Most of them are either isolated, independent women, or women who have been through incredibly traumatic personal events, and/or have chronic illnesses.

Make no mistake, I have come a long way since I left home for college. I am now much more comfortable and at ease chatting with anyone, from strangers to co-workers. But what is missing is that ability to keep 'em coming, so to speak. I know that friendship takes time and work. After what I went through with my internet friends in the past half a year, I can attest to that. An introvert would think that it's an enormous drain of time and energy. But yet, I felt good helping and counseling my friends. I even started trading calls with one of them, a lonely old lady with no family and four dogs for kids.

Is friendship overrated? Is popularity overrated? Due to my background and upbringing, I have rarely ever let it all hang out (in contrast to my husband and his family). But is this keeping me from making friends? I read once that a caller asked Dr. Laura about why she couldn't make any friends, and Dr. Laura replied, "have you ever shared your deepest, darkest secret with anyone?" While this kind of honest self-disclosure may be the ticket to a friendship, I think it would frighten away potential friends (I've tried it before).

Something else occurred to me---maybe those of us who want friends but don't have any are being picky. We want certain types of friends only, which rules a lot of people out. And we often want what we don't have. And people often like people that are like themselves. If I want to be friends with "desperate housewives" types, maybe I need to live in the same type of neighborhood, drive the same kind of car, wear the same type of clothes, live the same kind of lifestyle as those housewives. But the problem is, I'm not like them at all. So most likely, I won't become friends with those types of women.

Sorry for the long.... whatchamacallit. But know this, that you're reading a side of me that I normally don't disclose to the world. You could never tell this was me if you saw me.