I went into therapy initially to sort out my husband as I thought he was the problem, but have since come to realise that he was not. I have come to realise that I am in fact the problem and have set up the relationship to work in a way which suits me and is comfortable.
Comfortable for me means a total lack of connection or intimacy… I thought that the best option for me would be to leave him as I did not feel that I loved him. I have thought about this long and hard and question whether I actually know what it is to love somebody and to experience what this really means in terms of allowing myself to be vulnerable and exposed not guarded as is my nature. I have not had this experience and so feel that I couldn't make a decision based on this fact.
I know that he adores me and would do anything for me, but I cannot do the same for him. I feel so very uncomfortable when he wants closeness, I know this is my issue around sex too and I have put things in place to ensure that our sex lacks emotion and is really all about physical gratification.
So where AM I going with all of this?
Ultimately I would like to have a relationship which is intimate, but I feel like I can’t get past the resistance I feel. I don’t know what the first step is because as soon as I feel the pressure, I dig my heels in.
I know I can do it because I felt the same with my therapist for so long, and I now feel that I do trust him and can open myself up to him…BUT the situation is vastly different and the familiarity is structured and does not represent a realistic scenario or relationship…I suppose it’s a baby step and that is how I need to look at it.
I feel such resistance to having a deeper relationship with my husband…I feel like every fibre wants pulls away. I feel nauseated at the thought of intimate sex with him…I still can’t kiss him or allow him to look at me.
Maybe… I actually don’t love him and that is the crux. Perhaps the realistic option would be for me to leave him… I don’t know… I really want to do the right thing.
