Sometimes Americans don't understand why Asian-Americans can't seem to stand up to their own parents. Now that I am married and have a child, my mom has stopped treating me like a child, for the most part. I enjoyed a long period of relative peace from their harassment until a week ago. During a call to my folks (they live overseas), my dad seemed really happy to hear from me, then proceeded to tell me about his imminent hospitalization to undergo tests on his heart. Then he let the bomb drop.
"I want you and Jack to come back. I'll pay for your plane tickets."
My reaction: "Whaaaaaa????!!!"
While I understood that this was some serious medical testing, and that my mother would need the help caring for Dad, his appointment was less than two weeks from the time of our call. This would be a serious disruption to my brother Jack's studies (he's just started school getting a master's degree), and I work a full-time job and would have to ask for time off. I thought, "does he know that most companies require a two-week notice for vacation requests?" Also, I hadn't renewed my passport yet (darn, I knew I should have done it months ago), which meant another expensive rush to get it done. The passport cost me nearly $150 and I'll have to pay another $100 for a visa once it arrives. Wouldn't it be enough just for Jack to be there? After all, he's a single guy.
My husband Gordon wasn't too happy about the sudden request, either. Strange as this may seem, we had yet to be separated as a family ever since we were married.
"Do you know that our son always asks me where you are and looks worried when you don't come home from work on time? What do you think he'll do when you're gone?"
All of these challenges would be just that, challenges to overcome out of love for family, if my mom hadn't said one word that upset my husband more than anything else. It was 6 a.m. in the morning and I had already been talking to Mom and Dad for an hour, when I told them that I would do what I could to help them out. My mom interjected with, "it's not 'helping us out.' It's an obligation." I laughed it off and told Mom not to read too much into what I just said, since it was six in the morning. She didn't press the issue, which was good.
But Gordon hit the roof. "Obligation? What kind of parent demands that their children come home to see them like that?" Gordon is a White American, so I have to explain more in depth about filial piety, and how my parents are a little more on the traditional side. They expect their kids to do their bidding, no questions asked.
"But she sounded so cold," he protested. "If she had said something like, 'your dad and I would really appreciate it if you could come and help us,' I wouldn't have been so upset. But 'obligation?'"
Later, Gordon mentioned it to Jack, who was surprised that our mom used the word. But then he replied matter-of-factly, "I am obligated."
Dear husband (DH) later calmed down and apologized, but he did tell his mom (my MIL) about it, and my MIL similarly did not understand the "obligation" part.
But things flared up again last night when my mom said something else to me. She had asked me to buy her a bottle of vitamins to give to Jack so he could take it to her. I did not get to GNC in time and unfortunately was not able to give Jack the vitamins before he boarded his plane. I figured, no big deal, I'll just bring them when I go over there.
Mom's reaction: "Aiya! If I could easily get those vitamins here I wouldn't have bothered to ask you! I really needed those vitamins to help me recover more quickly from my ailment!" And she went on a tirade. DH, who heard what she said, looked like he was ready to explode.
This time, I was not going to tolerate it and I stood up to her. I told her that I didn't realized that this was an emergency. I told her that she could instead be grateful and appreciative of my effort. I asked her if she realized how much this whole situation was stressing my family out, because of the short notice? She calmed down and admitted that Dad's situation was very stressful.
"You know your mom gets nervous easily," she said. She then went on to make amends, sort of. (My mom never says "I'm sorry.") She talks about how she understands that I will worry about Gordon and my son, etc. I decide to be flat out honest with her, not caring if I get embarrassed or worse yet, she gets embarrassed by it. Mom told me not to talk to much about it, or else "your parents will start feeling guilty." I thought, if I didn't have the moral and spiritual scruples I had, I would have tried to make you all feel extremely guilty, just out of revenge for all of the things you had put me through.
Now you know why for the longest time, I wanted to get away from my family so badly. Unlike my husband, who misses his family daily and is very close to them, I am not close to my parents and wanted to get away from their control. I hope this changes as my parents get older, and that at last, our family can have some intimacy and transparency in our relationships.
badasianmom posted on Sep 01, 2008
| views: 472
Comments
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day2day said on Sep 01, 2008....
hi bad,Wow, that's a tough one. Since Jack is going over there, why do you have to? You are sooo right to stand up to your parents. You have to do it, or the control will not stop. You have to think about what is good for your family. You make your own decisions based on your own judgments. Try not to feel too guilty. They'll understand.day -
badasianmom said on Sep 01, 2008....
Hi Day,
My main problem is that my parents live overseas, isolated and alone, while my brother and I live here in the States. I spoke with them a couple of years ago about having a retirement plan, but they had none. So there's really no one to take care of them if they should become incapacitated. My dad probably wanted both of us to go visit in case he was going to have surgery right after his tests. Right now Jack has gone over there first, and as soon as I am able to, I will go over there for a week.
Something that happened to an old co-worker really made an impression on me about the necessity of having a plan when you are elderly. My co-worker was 60 years old, and her parents were in their 80s. She was their only daughter, but she had to go help move them out of their house and into a nursing home. It was a very laborious task for her, since her parents were pack rats and weren't expecting to ever move from their home. She really wished that they had planned everything out beforehand.
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scipio said on Sep 02, 2008....
I quote from your intro profile: "Oh, about the name of this blog---I chose "Bad Asian Mom" because this is so contrary to what I'm supposed to be like---nice all the time, polite, polished, perfect, etc. Pardon me as I act out a little."
Typical Asian family values. Parents expect children to be present from wherever they are to whenever they demand. Those same parents are proud when their children leave the home for go west AND BOAST OF the same to THEIR family and friends.
As you mentioned in your intro blog - now be a good Asian woman and be there when your parents need you. This is the time for you to be "polite", "polished" and perfect. After all your parents sacrificed so much of their time and money on you so it's pay back time.
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badasianmom said on Sep 02, 2008....
Scipio,
I don't mind being there for my parents when they need me, and I am acutely aware of the fact that I owe them. Your second sentence, unless meant to be sarcastic, came across very condescending. I don't think you would like it if I said to you, "now be a good reader and sympathize with me."
The problem is that my parents demand much from me with little consideration for my feelings and concerns and then criticize me if I do the slightest thing wrong. It has been that way since I started school (my happiest years as a child were before the age of 6). They wanted me to behave perfectly and didn't really bother to get to know me as a person. And after the "obligation" speech my mom gave me the other day, she turned around on the next phone call and told me to "do it out of love, not out of obligation." in the past she couldn't understand why I wasn't that affectionate with them, and I tried to explain, to no avail, that it's very difficult for children to show their parents affection when the parents only criticize and belittle their self-esteem and never encourage them or show them affection.
I honestly don't think that my mom has ever really bragged about me to others, because I haven't been able to live up to her expectations. If she has, she certainly hasn't told me about it. But she used to tell me all about how other people's kids were doing great, etc. To some kids, that's merely annoying. To me, it was extremely hurtful and made me feel like dirt.
But I don't expect you to understand unless you have a mom who expects you to be polite, polished and behave perfectly all the time, then criticizes you if you deviate even slightly from her expectations.
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scipio said on Sep 03, 2008....
BAM.
My comment on your blog did not come across what I intended to mean. In fact, I was fully expecting this response from you. My apologies. It was only after I hit the send button and re-reading my comment, I realised as to how my comment would be interpreted.
I was in the same situation as yours and my relationship with parents was similiar to yours during my entire school and college career. Parents think that they are going to be young and healthy forever and they would never need our assistance. That is why they treat you the way they do. And suddenly when you leave for the betterment of your future they get panicky and expect that you will be at their beck and call when once they did not even bother to be affectionate to you.
Hope your dad gets well and that everything will turn out for the better for you.
Sorry, to have come across a little rude earlier - but am ready to offer you my friendship. Coffee ?
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badasianmom said on Sep 03, 2008....
Thanks, Scipio. Glad to know that you understand. Starbuck, Coffee Bean, or Peete's? -
scipio said on Sep 04, 2008....
No, none of those fancy places which you have mentioned.
Plain coffee with milk and sugar. . company more important - with a walk in the garden.
In our case "cyber garden".
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chopsticks said on Dec 29, 2008....
Oh my God. this sounds so familiar to me. My father was Dutch Indonesian, my mother is Chinese. He passed away 5 years ago, and now my mother lives with us (Husband White). She is the oldest of 8 siblings and she still demands the respect that she is due, even though she give No respect back. I have 1 sibling, a younger sister, who has stolen sooooooooooooo much money from her that she is now just about broke. But she expects me to pay for everything she buys, eats or just everything. For 4 years my husband and I sent $ 400 a month to them faithfully. Because she complained that there wasn't enough to cover their bills. Now if she would stop buying 22 carat gold jewelry from Little Saigon, she would of had enough. I am not complaining, but I am so Americanized it aint funny. I try to do the right Asian thing when it comes to my mom, but it really is getting hard. It is nice to just vent, my husband understands but he doesn't. You know what I mean.
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