i woke up kinda earlie today, stayed in bed tried to call him, but i didnt really wanna wake him cuz the 7 hr differance so i hung up quickly. i stayed in bed, tried to sleep again. like every evening, night and morning i cried myself back to sleep. As i woke up there was a storm outside, it was poring rain (btw, is it poring rain or pouring rain?) well and i forgot to close the balcony it was freezing in my room. i felt like im on titanic or something.

i covered myself, and thought about everything he did, everything he said. i realized i was wrong in so many ways, i knew it before but now i actually analized all the different situations and see how wrong i was, how wrong i was acting. i should of been smarter. i didnt feel anything like this in a along time, since years i didnt love somebody like i love him. im still so scared that it will be my fault if it wont work out. we went through too many arguements, i was critizising him in every way, some things didnt even bother me but i tried to make him to the perfect man, the perfect boyfriend. but i forgot about the fact that this is exactly what makes me being not perfect, i dont understand why i tried to change his ways if i love him for who he is and only that should count. im such a hard head.

my father kicked me out the house today, he found out i failed two classes. i left down town, met a friend and went shopping. i found heels, jacket and 3 sweaters for fall, so im all set.

the pearl from ring that mike gave me, fell out last night. i fixed the ring and wearing it again. i love it now, at first ONCE AGAIN i critizised it again, but now im so in love with it. the girls love it too, thats feels good i mean showing off the ring and hear all the compliments what good taste he has and how he knew my ring size (of course i didnt tell anybody that i told him the size before)

my depression is fainting slowly. i fall in it before going to bed, mostly in the shower and when i wake up. going to sleep and waking up without him is still the worse feeling and part of my day. When im in the shower , i like just to sit on the floor and let really hot water run. after a few minutes its full of steam and i cant breath but somehow im too busy crying and it doesnt bother me. im so tired of crying, but i cant stop, its so hard for me.

every other minute i think of what hes doing, how he feels, what is on his mind...does he miss me, does he think about me the way that i think about him, will we make it, will we last, when will i see him again, is he playing games....i trust him, i believe him. but its so hard on us, how do i know if he does something to make it more easier for him. Seeing someone else over there would make things easier for him. thats what i used to do, so i know from own experience. i always had my serious relationship and when it was on distance i had something on my side to distract me. Now....he got me so good, i dont even think about somebody else. i dont wanna see anybody, i dont wanna talk to anybody. i dont want guys to like me, i want them to leave me alone. last night, my ex called one of my friends, i found out they having smt going on. usually i would get jelous and uncomfortable, but all i did was looking at my phone, hoping mike wrote me. but there was nothing and i broke out crying on the table because i felt so left alone. i need him so much. i miss his touch, his ways to do things, i miss him being on my side giving me the feeling that everything is okay...

the way that i love you, i never knew i could love somebody like that ever again