In about ten days, counting today, but not the day itself, I will be a year older. Yay me.
Instead of getting excited, however, I am struck with turmoil and frustration. I keep getting hit over and over again with the same thought I had last week: I thought I'd be in a different place by now.
It's just that there's so much I want to do; so much I thought I'd have done by now. But there's so many obstacles; obstacles put there by myself or by something I need to get from point A to point B. And then I get pessimistic and frustrated and want to give up on my dreams. Then I start blaming The Bastard and The World for everything; for shitting on me.
But that part of me, the little girl, won't and doesn't because she knows better.
Because the only person who is really in the way is me. The Bastard and The World are always going to fucked up, but that doesn't mean I have to succumb to it and let them win. I don't have to be something they tried to conquer and win.
But it's still hard when there are actual things in your way like money issues or letters of recs needed for this and that. And it all gets so very tiring.
I just hope that once I actually start working on Thursday, I'll start to feel a little bit better about life. I'm trying to see this whole new experience as step in the right direction and that more good things will come. I just have to keep going, keep working at this thing called life, and just keep hoping and dreaming.
And I'm going to try my damndest to enjoy my birthday just like I used to when I was a kid.
I shall see when I get to both days.
