earlier this evening i had another paranoid moment...

you know, the kind where i thought about death, the end of the world, not having enough money, having a new job that kinda scare me and all the shits in the world...

and then i realize...

holy shit...

if the world will end.... and if i die...

will i experience love?!?!?!?!?

you know i'm not scared of death... i have experienced death up close and personal... it has changed me for a better person...

yes death did that... (remember my friend)

death is something all of us will experience... so i'm not scared of it... maybe the thought of dying alone scared me more...

if i die and never  experienced my dreams... (and one of them is to grow really old)...

wouldn't that be so sad?!?!?!!??!

and if i die without experiencing how to love and felt love...

wouldn't it be sadder!??!?!?

and you know what's the saddest among all?!?!?!?

if i die and then i found someone...

and don't wanna die because i love that person very much...

it's funny i keep thinking how much i want someone or that i want to fall in love but the truth is i'm more scared of love than death...

here i am going through adulthood and never had a boyfriend in my life...

someone once told me why am i so uptight when it comes to love...

well simple answer...

i'm scared of it...

i'm scared of the pain because i already know how badly it hurts before...

because i once love but never loved back... (yeah i know it sucks...)

i'm scared of the happiness that comes with love...

because i don't know what it feels like...

i'm scared that i would love someone who love me the same way i love him...

because sometimes i don't even love myself...

funny...

i'm a self confess romantic...

but i'm so pessimist about it...

and yes i feel sorry for myself sometimes... feel sorry that i never experienced something so beautiful... so wonderful... that death has no meaning...

maybe i'm destined to be like this... (dear God please dont!!!)

although i don't mind being alone...

i'll be the fat, old spinster living with her dogs... so grouchy and negative...

or maybe...

just maybe...

i'll be with that special someone...

who loves me just as i am...

wishing and hoping for that kind of romantic shits...

oh love...

when will it be my time!?!?!?!?!?!

keep on blogging!!!

p.s.

i should stop watching romantic-comedies flick alone in a  saturday night... it's making me paranoid... lol... ;-)