"Sometimes, it is difficult to stand when you are the only one. You have to remain true to yourself, stand your ground, unbending, even when everything and everyone is blowing against you. When we are true to our beliefs, to ourselves, we are never alone. Stand.....even in the silence."
This was another one of those thoughts I wrote around 6-7 years ago. I guess writing is the only thing I have to work things out. To try and figure myself out. I recieved a comment from an amazing gentleman, a comment that I just couldn't shake. I don't believe he even knows how such simple words affected me......but they did. "Always be true to ones self, and never mind those who don't," this simple little sentence haunted me these last couple of days. This sentence made me really take a look at myself. I went back to find my later "thoughts" and found the above one. I read it a couple of times, and read what he wrote. I wrote the one at a time in my life, when I was at a job I enjoyed, I just didn't enjoy the workers or boss. It was kind of like working in hell.
Jokes would be made, comments were made about other people, races, and so on. Everyone would laugh, everyone but me. I didn't find it funny, and in fact saw these "upstanding" people totally ignorant. I don't kiss ass, but the other secretary did. She laughed at everything that popped out of their mouths......I couldn't believe the things I heard, and all of this coming out of "good Christians". I use to sit there and wonder if everyone at their church was the same way....or did they just think that because they are christians they are untouchable? That if they ask for forgiveness, it would be erased so that they can repeat the same damn "sin". I never laughed. Never smiled. Never nodded my head in agreement. Of course, in their own way, I paid for not being a "team player". First, I loss hours......not something a single mother wants to deal with. Second....more of my responsibilities was given to the other girl in the office.....once again, not something a single mother wants. Third......I was invisable......this one I truly didn't mind, except I knew what the final step was going to be. It happened on the first of December......my bosses wife called me......yes, called me.....she couldn't say it to my face.....either way, I was on an extended vacation. I was laid off. I honestly couldn't say that I minded it. I always felt like they were sucking my energy....my life force....my will to live.
What am I trying to say? That I made a stand. I didn't cave into pressure. I didn't lick their boots. Not even when I began to loose hours and work. I couldn't. I couldn't put another race down, how can I when I have experienced that myself? I couldn't put down another economical class, how could I? I sure the hell wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, a pitchfork? Maybe. I couldn't put down another political party either......they believed what they wanted, just as I believe what I want. Nor could I put down another religion, or another country. I already felt like crap when I left the office, I didn't want to feel like slime either.
I have never thought about where I stood on anything, never thought I would ever have to defend myself either. I stood for what I knew was right. You didn't cheat someone who was vulnerable, you didn't hurt another that is weaker than you, you don't lie to another just to get ahead, you have no right to judge another until you have walked in their shoes, you accept everyone for no other reason, then that they are a human being. You respect all forms of life. You don't impose your beliefs, your thoughts, your religion, your political beliefs, or yourself on to another. I could go on, but I guess we get the picture.
These beliefs, or rules, or whatever you want to call them, was something I believed in. That I stood by. I assumed the same of others. Why? Not sure, because these traits were definitely not exhibited to me in my family when I was growing up. I held these tight and I still stand by them. I haven't bowed to the pressures of society. I haven't betrayed myself by selling out because my beliefs aren't popular. I held them, because they are all that I have. They are what makes me.......me. Like me, love me, hate me.....this is who I am.
I will not sit back while another is being mistreated. No matter what. I will not sit back and let another mistreat me. I will not have another push themselves, their religion, their political views or anything, on to me. Just like I won't to another. I had to ask myself these last few days, if I betrayed myself. If I was caving into pressure. Or turning to be like society demands. I had to really look close at myself, at my motives, at everything. Its funny how one little sentence can make you examine yourself.....funny how words can haunt.
I don't feel that I have caved into pressure, or that I'm trying to fit into how society views me. I am who I am. I believe what I do. I can't drop those beliefs and I won't change myself. I have seen that with TB and a few others on 360 for example. They state or write what they believe, they get attacked or put down.....but they go on. They may rant about it. It may piss them off. But they don't change just because of a few people. Neither will I. I never did before and I won't start now.
There is too much of me to fit into a neat little box. I can be a world class bitch one minute, and sweet as sugar the next. I can be silent and introspective or loud and all over the place. I can be rude and polite at a flip of a switch. I don't want to and will not change that. It is who I am. It is who makes me who I am. I believe what I know, what I have learned, and what has been shown me. I know right from wrong and never shall the two fade into each other.
This was another one of those thoughts I wrote around 6-7 years ago. I guess writing is the only thing I have to work things out. To try and figure myself out. I recieved a comment from an amazing gentleman, a comment that I just couldn't shake. I don't believe he even knows how such simple words affected me......but they did. "Always be true to ones self, and never mind those who don't," this simple little sentence haunted me these last couple of days. This sentence made me really take a look at myself. I went back to find my later "thoughts" and found the above one. I read it a couple of times, and read what he wrote. I wrote the one at a time in my life, when I was at a job I enjoyed, I just didn't enjoy the workers or boss. It was kind of like working in hell.
Jokes would be made, comments were made about other people, races, and so on. Everyone would laugh, everyone but me. I didn't find it funny, and in fact saw these "upstanding" people totally ignorant. I don't kiss ass, but the other secretary did. She laughed at everything that popped out of their mouths......I couldn't believe the things I heard, and all of this coming out of "good Christians". I use to sit there and wonder if everyone at their church was the same way....or did they just think that because they are christians they are untouchable? That if they ask for forgiveness, it would be erased so that they can repeat the same damn "sin". I never laughed. Never smiled. Never nodded my head in agreement. Of course, in their own way, I paid for not being a "team player". First, I loss hours......not something a single mother wants to deal with. Second....more of my responsibilities was given to the other girl in the office.....once again, not something a single mother wants. Third......I was invisable......this one I truly didn't mind, except I knew what the final step was going to be. It happened on the first of December......my bosses wife called me......yes, called me.....she couldn't say it to my face.....either way, I was on an extended vacation. I was laid off. I honestly couldn't say that I minded it. I always felt like they were sucking my energy....my life force....my will to live.
What am I trying to say? That I made a stand. I didn't cave into pressure. I didn't lick their boots. Not even when I began to loose hours and work. I couldn't. I couldn't put another race down, how can I when I have experienced that myself? I couldn't put down another economical class, how could I? I sure the hell wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, a pitchfork? Maybe. I couldn't put down another political party either......they believed what they wanted, just as I believe what I want. Nor could I put down another religion, or another country. I already felt like crap when I left the office, I didn't want to feel like slime either.
I have never thought about where I stood on anything, never thought I would ever have to defend myself either. I stood for what I knew was right. You didn't cheat someone who was vulnerable, you didn't hurt another that is weaker than you, you don't lie to another just to get ahead, you have no right to judge another until you have walked in their shoes, you accept everyone for no other reason, then that they are a human being. You respect all forms of life. You don't impose your beliefs, your thoughts, your religion, your political beliefs, or yourself on to another. I could go on, but I guess we get the picture.
These beliefs, or rules, or whatever you want to call them, was something I believed in. That I stood by. I assumed the same of others. Why? Not sure, because these traits were definitely not exhibited to me in my family when I was growing up. I held these tight and I still stand by them. I haven't bowed to the pressures of society. I haven't betrayed myself by selling out because my beliefs aren't popular. I held them, because they are all that I have. They are what makes me.......me. Like me, love me, hate me.....this is who I am.
I will not sit back while another is being mistreated. No matter what. I will not sit back and let another mistreat me. I will not have another push themselves, their religion, their political views or anything, on to me. Just like I won't to another. I had to ask myself these last few days, if I betrayed myself. If I was caving into pressure. Or turning to be like society demands. I had to really look close at myself, at my motives, at everything. Its funny how one little sentence can make you examine yourself.....funny how words can haunt.
I don't feel that I have caved into pressure, or that I'm trying to fit into how society views me. I am who I am. I believe what I do. I can't drop those beliefs and I won't change myself. I have seen that with TB and a few others on 360 for example. They state or write what they believe, they get attacked or put down.....but they go on. They may rant about it. It may piss them off. But they don't change just because of a few people. Neither will I. I never did before and I won't start now.
There is too much of me to fit into a neat little box. I can be a world class bitch one minute, and sweet as sugar the next. I can be silent and introspective or loud and all over the place. I can be rude and polite at a flip of a switch. I don't want to and will not change that. It is who I am. It is who makes me who I am. I believe what I know, what I have learned, and what has been shown me. I know right from wrong and never shall the two fade into each other.
