There's one more thing I forgot to mention about the tarot reading. One of the first questions that Lorenzo asked me was,
"Do you identify more with your male or your female side?"
Without hesitating, I answered,
"My male side."
I've always felt that way. Partly because I've always felt myself to be slightly androgenous... even though other people may not see me that way. Especially when I'm around other women, and especially when I'm around short or petite women... I just feel big and oxy like a man. And secondly, because I identify my creative side more with male energy, even though it may express itself in a more feminine way. I guess that's because I have so many different dimensions to my personality (not that everyone else doesn't, but I find myself going to extremes in both my interests and my self expression... I can't identify myself with just one role and certainly not a traditional role). And in my experience, the other people that I've met who are similarly multi-faceted tend to be men. And thirdly, because I've never had any kind of a maternal instinct (except with my cats). No need or desire to mother a child.
"No you don't," Lorenzo said. "You identify very heavily with your female side. In fact, you have all but closed out your masculine side. You are terrified of it. You're afraid, because you believe that, if you express that side of yourself, you will be out of control. You think of it as a very negative energy... a violent energy. But it doesn't have to be. Start to embrace your masculine side. Let it come out to play. Have fun with it. It's not all bad."
That was a surprise. In a way, I could see what he was saying. I'd have to give it some more thought. Well, needless to say, this issue would be raised again before I left Spain.
So, how about you? Which of your sides do you identify with more... masculine or feminine?
kruuyai posted on Aug 27, 2008
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Comments
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dailyachesandpains said on Aug 27, 2008....
Oh Lord! I would have to guess that I'm split down the middle!I'm not really sure, to be honest! I don't think I do enough of anything to decide!Daily -
kruuyai said on Aug 27, 2008....
daily: I know... I don't identify really strongly with either side. So, if I really do reject my masculine side as Lorenzo says, and I don't really identify with my female side either, where does that leave me? Maybe I had a past life as a ladyboy in Thailand. lol I wonder if there's a planet where the life forms don't even have gender. That would be so much easier, wouldn't it? -
dailyachesandpains said on Aug 27, 2008....
ladyboy...lmao!Yeah, no gender would make for a better world wouldn't it...Daily -
kruuyai said on Aug 27, 2008....
Yeah, or at least both in one body like said ladyboy prototype, so you could keep yourself company on those long, cold, winter nights. :) -
gingersoul said on Aug 27, 2008....
Kruu.....I might have missed it.......is Lorenzo Italian? -
kruuyai said on Aug 27, 2008....
ginger: No, he's Spanish. He's the medium from the Canary Islands that gave the esoteric course that I attended in Lloret de Mar. -
queenparanoia said on Aug 27, 2008....
hmmmm. well i'm more in touch with my femnine side... explains my girly girly style.. but sometimes my masculine side overtops my feminine side... biologically my masculine side is killing my eggs... lol... long story... i have some problems with my eggs... i feel like a chicken talking baout eggs...lol... =) -
MissMimi said on Aug 27, 2008....
Even though I have seen men exhibit great tenderness and gentleness, I have never experienced it in my life, so I usually equate masculine as being unemotional, brusque, and loud. Almost violent, although that's not quite the word I want.
I am more comfortable with my feminine side. But I also think that would surprise some people.
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beyondtheveil said on Aug 27, 2008....
kruugirl- This is difficult for me to answer because I really don't know what determines the sides as you expressed you didn't either. There are people I can think of that it would seem obvious, but for the rest...
I do know my time is partially spent attempting to disassociate myself with so much of the male population. They are, after all, responsible for about 80% of all the suffering and about half the death in world history and are still doing a great job of it.
The only thing I can say is that I hope I'm more in touch with the feminine side. It would disgust me to think I'm more in touch with the male side as I understand it.
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kruuyai said on Aug 27, 2008....
queen: So... which came first... the chicken or the egg? = )
Mimi: I think that's what Lorenzo was getting at with me... that I equate men with violence... which is true, to a certain extent.... snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.... who wouldn't rather be made of sugar and spice and everything nice?
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kruuyai said on Aug 27, 2008....
beyond: I read a book on dream interpretation a couple of years ago that talked a lot about the importance of integrating our male and female energies... a lot of dreams seem to be taking on that struggle for a lot of people. I don't know that I've ever identified that in my dreams, but it may just be that I don't know what I'm looking for. I can see you as embracing what we typically think of as feminine qualities more than what we consider to be masculine qualities, but I don't think of you as anything other than masculine... probably just because I know... because as you may remember, there was a time when I thought you were a woman... and I do mean that as a compliment. :) -
evil_twin said on Aug 27, 2008....
I think being a highly sensitive person, I would say I'm more in touch with the feminine side of my soul. Plus I enjoy the company of women much more than I do men. I find I have less in common with most men. Women are more understanding and easier to talk to. At least for me. My best friend right now is a woman too.
-evil_twin LA
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kruuyai said on Aug 27, 2008....
e_t: A lot of the guys I've dated have expressed the same thing. Well, I tend to go for guys that hate football, and sometimes it seems that football is about the only way that guys can communicate with each other. lol -
beyondtheveil said on Aug 27, 2008....
kruu- Thank you, compliment accepted. I believe you do understand that my disgust with the general male population, here and in history, is a personal problem, right?
Dreams don't help me at all. I've told you that. They are a convoluted mess of a fantasy world which guide me nowhere. I have had more than my share of violent dreams. Perhaps that's my masculine side trying to exert itself. It makes sense to me because I equate violence, especially unnecessary violence, with men.
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kruuyai said on Aug 27, 2008....
beyond: Sometimes, I think that dreams are an expression of our past lives (or maybe concurrent or future lives), so who knows? Maybe you've had a violent past that you're still trying to make sense of... or more likely, maybe you were a woman who was victimized by male violence. I do know that I wish more men could be as objective as you are about their own gender. (I suppose the same could be said for women, but with regard to things other than violence, usually). -
silver_phoenix said on Aug 27, 2008....
hi kruuyai~ i most definitely identify more with my masculine side. i often compare myself to other women and feel like the tall, giant tomboy. i don't really know why i do that, compare myself to other women, but i do. but more than that, i've always related more to men. i don't like to talk about my feelings, and i have always had trouble getting along with women. in fact, i only am friends with 1 woman currently. but guys, well i always get along just fine with them. i don't know if i come off as feminine or masculine, but i definitely identify more with males. violence does not come into play with me because, well we're all human and all have the capacity to be violent or cruel in some form or another. great post. -
the_infernal_optimist said on Aug 27, 2008....
Oh, I have no freaking clue. :-p It all depends on how you see masculinity and femininity as to what you'd say, you know? So it's hard to communicate that in any way that's going to make sense to most people who read it, at least without offensively stereotyping the two sides.
[shrug] It's interesting, but I have no idea how to go there.
~Infernal
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kruuyai said on Aug 27, 2008....
silver: That's just how I feel around other women... like a tall, giant tomboy. But when I tell people that, they are really surprised to hear it, so i guess my self image is different than the image I project. I do have a lot of women friends, though, and I cherish them. But I often feel more comfortable relating to men, I guess because there are no limits as far as expressing myself either physically (I'm trying to get over that one, thouhg) or in the sense of just being able to be gross when I feel like it. And men are often more interested in talking about things I'm intersted in. I do get tired of women who only want to talk about men or babies. I don't have that problem so much here in Europe though.
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kruuyai said on Aug 27, 2008....
infernal: Well, yes, I guess everyone would answer this question differently depending on how they personally define masculinity and femininity. Even as one person, I have different views of what those words mean at different times. -
BreatheUnderwater said on Aug 27, 2008....
masculine side, masculine side..most definitely my masculine side..no doubt about that..
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kruuyai said on Aug 27, 2008....
Breathe: You say that with such conviction! lol -
gingersoul said on Aug 27, 2008....
Kruu.....would i surprise you if i tell i have a pretty big masculine side?
See...when i was a clumsy teen ager all my friends were already developed, breasts and all, kissing boy and wearing bra and lipstick
I was the ugly duck...i developed slowly..So i kind internalized a difficulty in getting in touch with my blossoming femininity..
I always been tougher than the girls i knew...more daring, more tomboy, more adventurous...
I used to bully my schoolmates in elementary to make them cry and feel superior..
Ultimately i have been left with some control issues that i identify with my masculine side.......its hard for me to surrender...
So i think i am a mix.....when people praise me for what they see as my extreme femininity ...i dont often see it.......but i like the compliments.....lol...
I don't know...i have always been more at ease with men...i have many men friends, for example, more than girlfriends...
Women tend to bore me after a while...
And a woman must be extremely interesting to hold my curiosity....:-)
Lets say that I like bold women and gentle men...
BeyBey....about you.......i completely agree with Kruu....:-)
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woman said on Aug 27, 2008....
Over my lifetime it would seem that gender roles have blurred. And in my mind that is a good thing. Myself? I consider myself to be a strong, bold,sensitive,and nurturing woman. Does that make me more in touch with my feminine or masculine side? I think it just makes me someone who is happy being who she is. I love feeling the sisterhood of being with women but I also enjoy being with men, human to human. Kruu, I found it interesting that you feel tall and like a tomboy when with other women. As a young girl I was always the tallest and thought the key to being a woman was to be petite and "girly". As a grown woman I am delighted with my height and would choose to be exactly as I am. (without wrinkles!) -
hotaka said on Aug 27, 2008....
I'm going to come back to your posts in a day or two, kruu. No time now but I don't want to forget. -
beyondtheveil said on Aug 27, 2008....
ginsoul- I think I've got it now -----in my past life I was a spicy Italian girl who traveled the world with pirates. That's why I like you and kruugirl so much. -
queenparanoia said on Aug 27, 2008....
the oldest question in the world... ;-) but my answer is eggs... most cocks dont know what theyre doing anyway... ;-) -
RollingC said on Aug 28, 2008....
I've never really paid attention to that but I'd have to say masculine side. -
kruuyai said on Aug 28, 2008....
ginger: I wouldn't be surprised at all. In fatti, I think I can identify with it. The difference for me is that my aggression doesn't show on the outside, so that's why people are really surprised when I confess to feeling somehow "masculine." I've always been tough... but on the inside. I had to be. Maybe my self image also came from late development like yours.... or in my case, almost not developing at all. (I'm always amazed to hear guys tell me that I'm voluptuous or curvy, because in my mind, I'm just a stick, and that's pretty much what I see in the mirror as well). And ditto on the part about a woman needing to be interesting to hold your attention. I think that one of the reasons that I'm able to find more interesting women friends here in Europe is that people are less age-ist, and so I have friends spanning several decades of ages with a heavy concentration in the early to mid twenties, before they've started to get concerned with making and raising families. And I guess I've been fortunate to locate some pretty interesting women who have interests other than boys, boys, boys, because those types certainly exist here as well.
Bold women and gentle men... that reminds me of a friend who said she prefers male cats and female dogs. There is something very endearing about seeing someone act in a way that seems to be contrary to their nature but that serves them well, isn't there?
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kruuyai said on Aug 28, 2008....
woman: I think that's probably the best answer that there could be. You seem to have fully integrated both of your sides. You know, it's funny, I don't feel remotely awkward or tall around short, even petite men, just short, petite women.
hotaka: Y'all come back now, hear?
beyond: Interesting you should bring up that past life stuff...
queen: Bwaaa- haa- haa
Rolling: Based on your terse answer, I would have to say you're probably right. lol
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RollingC said on Aug 28, 2008....
Now wait a minute....I didn't say I wasn't a sensative person ! d :^) -
kruuyai said on Aug 28, 2008....
Rolling: I didn't say that, either, but you've heard the expression, "A man of few words." How many times have you heard the expression, "A woman of few words?" -
Beccaboo said on Aug 28, 2008....
I once was told, (whilst doing an MA in philosophy, by the lecturers, one male and one female) that women who are more expressive of their masculine side tend to be more successful. They said this with an air of scientific positivity, asthough it had been proven. This is probably true of philosophy departments because they are so male dominated. Quite frankly I don't understand it myself, what are the female qualities that would make a person less likely to be successful? Does this apply to men aswel? perhaps there are feminine qualities that make a man more successful? Personnally I don't think of myself as expressing feminine, masculine, I express 'me' and am a product of my environment etc etc rather than which side of the gender fence I am on mostly. I agree with KRUU they mean many things to many people.I am proud to be a woman but don't agree with having a column headed feminine qualities and one headed masculine qualities. -
Me-Myself&I said on Aug 28, 2008....
i work like a man and walk like a woman. i have always been a tomboy but i'm a short, little woman. *smile* can you see this spitfire of a little woman with a big mouth?! lol. boy, am i playful today....cool! -
kruuyai said on Aug 28, 2008....
Beccaboo: I like your username! I imagine that the reason for what those philosophers said was that we tend to live in a male dominated world, so those are the qualities that are embraced and revered, at least in the business world. If a woman expresses her more "feminine" qualities in the workplace, she is often criticized as being weak.. as if the masculine model were the standard.. which, i guess it is to a lot of people. Sigh. I think the world would be a better place if we all tried to integrate our masculine and feminine sides.
MM&I: I can! I can! :)
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silver_phoenix said on Aug 28, 2008....
hey kruuyai~ man am i glad to not have met any of those women that wanna talk about men AND babies! or at least, not have spoken to them. a lot of females i've met are just catty and talk trash, so i'm really just turned off and don't wanna be around them. but men, men talk about waaay more stuff and that's cool. only 2 things that turns me off about them is if they are gross or if they are really sensitive. -
hotaka said on Aug 28, 2008....
I am surprised too. What I have come to know of you here matches what you explained about yourself. Of course you are a woman. But exactly as you described yourself above I thought, 'Yeah, that sounds like kruu.'
So, I would guess I identify more with my feminine side, possibly because I grew up in the care of my mother mostly and with a younger sister. My friends all had brothers and i found it hard to relate to them sometimes. It was easier for me to make friends with girls. My mom sometimes asked why I didn't invite boys home instead of always inviting girls home. In high school most of my friends and confidants were girls. some said they felt more comfortable talking to me than their other girl friends. Around real guys (beer swigging, sports watching guys) I can't relate. And though I love the nude female body (one in fine form) I can't think of woman as lusty objects of desire in the way that would make me want to watch porn and stash nudy mags under my bed. That doesn't mean women don't turn me on. Heck, yeah, they do. But I'm not a sexual pig type of guy.
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kruuyai said on Aug 29, 2008....
silver: One of the things I've found so refreshing about living in Eastern Europe is the relatively large proportion of women who are more interested in talking politics, philosophy, etc. than fashion, family and men.
hotaka: I'm getting confused now. What are you surprised about? Yep, I would have imagined you as the type of guy that has more female friends than male friends. And I mean that in the best possible way. :)
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hotaka said on Aug 29, 2008....
Sorry. What you said about being in touch with your male side makes sense to me. What Lorenzo said about you being more in touch with your feminine side and terrified of your male side surprised me.