Yeppers, I was...shocked, disappointed, embarrassed, and unfortunately, it is added to the list of disappointing 'things-you-remember-milestones' in my life. If I am writing this fairy tale, why are there no happy endings after each chapter? I need to get back to the laws of attraction, but this story is about how I manifested a mess, somehow.....oh well.
Did I mention that I was taking my sweetest heart to college this weekend? She, the often center of my universe, my only child, my best and brightest star....apparently I had a vision of love for how this transition in our lives would transpire...afterall, she is my pride and joy, my soul sister, right?
So it shocked me a little that these past couple of weeks found me locking horns as they say with my girl. We could not quite agree on anything. I watched as she spun out a bit....hectic, disorganized a little bit. Always on the run, always out the door, this way and that.....
Needing to see all the people she ever met before to say goodbye.
Needing to purchase stuff for college....all of it, right now, like there was no Walmart where she was going. Meanwhile her dad and I are preppng our house to sell....paying a new tuition bill....trying to ceremoniously celebrate her achievement, her new chapters of life unfolding....the only one missing from the party was her. She had other things to do.
Needing to see all the people she ever met before to say goodbye.
Needing to purchase stuff for college....all of it, right now, like there was no Walmart where she was going. Meanwhile her dad and I are preppng our house to sell....paying a new tuition bill....trying to ceremoniously celebrate her achievement, her new chapters of life unfolding....the only one missing from the party was her. She had other things to do.
I know, I know, that might sound overly sensitive and I have acknowledged my blinders in this situation. Like she is leaving...what about me? What about my job as mom? What about my intensley close relationship with her...wasn't that something big enough to earn a few minutes of this precious time? (I am not whining...I'm just saying).
So I created special things...to do together...and she did attend just one...lunch with my mom and my niece, albeit not at a convenient time for her and she had places to go afterwards and she texted through the end of the meal to set it all up. I was not angry about this; frankly, I was numb. I was shocked. This was not unfolding the way I thought it coulda, shoulda, woulda...had she cooperated.
Ouch, was that mean?
I was angry with her for shutting us out of this time of her life. I nagged about it and she did that thing where she rolled her eyes so much that it seemed like a Linda Blair move. She was aloof. She was distracted and she was on her way. The night before we left, I finally had a good cry. It started in the shower where I could quietly let it all out. I was so....sad....to have this unfold this way. I felt my own hostile feeling about it emerging. Stop it, I warned myself...she is using a good defense mechanism....let it go. So I was a witness...but secretly, I was hostile too. This was pissing me off more than I cared to feel...or admit. My daughter was either a really big bitch...or she was really, really rude.
The other dorm mom, a family from our home high school....caught my eye a few times in the dorm as we decorated, etc. She was clearly surprised as this was not the girl she was accustomed to seeing either. (This mom has since called me and invited me to the shore...I think she felt badly that we were dismissed in such a way.) Before this, I would have never guessed that my own kid was or could be so disrespectful.
We had originally planned to be there for the weekend. We knew we had move in day and then we supposed that the following day would involve some fine tuning of whatever... where they may need to go to the stores, and then there was always the adventure of finding the mall...I could picture the small group of us running the errand, grabbing a bite and then us dropping them back on campus...and maybe ending the weekend with brunch or I don't know...some sweet goodbye, where joyfully we hold each other tight and say God bless you in all you do...and you know I am always here for you forever. Didn't happen. We were so pissed off at her attitude of entitlement and sarcastic dismissiveness that we cancelled our hotel and stayed long enough for me to show my husband around the campus (which is gorgeous).
She called the first morning after move in and said: 'when are you leaving? I have stuff to send home?' I texted back that we were on our way to campus and that we would pop in and grab the extra bins, boxes, etc. We went to her room where they were freshly out of the shower and their room, which looked amazing even after move in day, looked even better with their desks all organized and their clothes all hung up, etc.
I could have been Maintenance. "Here they are", she pointed to the bins on the floor. I smiled and hugged her, said no problem, have fun, love you and goodbye. She looked an extra second longer like as if I was gonna be crying....yeah right.
We enjoyed our private tour of the campus, my man and I. We had met at college so it was fun to stroll through it all remembering this and that. We really had fun, but there was no emotional send off, or drop off. There was no long squeeze like 'I'm letting go now, so...."
It sucked. I deserved so much more of an experience than that. I was not honored in any way. I was not soothed by this transition where the other half -of how I had planned it -would not let me be the mom anymore. I was pissed. But it is not about me, is it?
Yeah I was there, but boy, am I bitter. I could have phoned it in and saved myself a lot of misery. I cannot believe that this is how it is. What a shock to have seen this...I'm a hostile witness.
I'm home now and trying hard to keep from having this overwhelm me and the start of "my" new chapter in life....like Fergie sings...clarity, peace, serenity.....won't you drop in and sit with me for a bit...I am licking my wounds and I probably shouldn't be alone right now.
thanking you......mamie
