My emotional state this week has been swinging on a pendulum...one moment I feel grounded, the next, Scarlet could be in charge, then a moment later I could be depressed and crying.... then angry and irrational....it amazes me sometimes!  These emotions feel like very distinct personalities - I know it's me - I know I'm here, but I'm not really - if that makes any sense... I am not in control.

Why can't I get my analytical brain to connect the "dots" between all of the different parts of me?  I really can't "get it".  Day after day, week after week, I sit, hopelessly waiting for the magical *click* in my brain to make the connection - to suddenly feel whole.  I alternate between thinking obsessively about it or being completely numb and unavailable. 
I have no vocabulary right now because I am so frazzled and annoyed and just thoroughly upset, angry and hurt.  I don't even know why I'm hurt when what happened this week to piss me off was just so incredibly predictable, it just proves (again) what I knew all along!  (I should be thankful, not hurt)

Irrational me - child me - wants to say thanks for the validation - at least she validated that she (once again) doesn't give a shit about my feelings.........it is a job, after all....
Just let me be!  I'll take the disgrace, the embarrassment, the fear and the shame that has been bestowed upon me, get out of your sight and shut the fuck up!  Because we all know that IRL - it all means nothing... this stupid child, this "baby" can lean on her, cry to her, whine, be scared and needy - and in the end –it isn't *real* - so WTF?  I guess if she can convince her she’s *here* it doesn't matter - get her to believe it, because I, the angry one, the bitchy one - I never will!
She doesn't matter anyway - this stupid "child" that tries to take over my body with her fucking *neediness* and *abandonment* issues.