he makes me think.  the things he says, the way that he says them.  i allow myself to think.  maybe that's the mistake.  he once told me that i was in charge.  there are so many different meanings to those words.  he told me if i ever needed anything that i knew how to get in touch with him.  but i did need him yesterday.  or maybe i need him everyday.  and i did reach out, but i am left to think. (maybe he doesn't even know...)  it was only the other day that he said things that truely made me smile. but that smile is fading now and it seems so far away.  and now........instead of looking forward to the time off and getting away...i am dreading it. 

i don't want to be married anymore.  i'm so tired of the way that i have lived.  i don't know how i can stand it.  each day, yeah they say to take each day, as it comes.  and it just feels as though they are passing so quickly and i'm still waiting to live.  so many years have passed.  so many years......the birthday that i just had only serves as another reminder of all the time wasted.  all the time crying and praying for life to be different.  all the years with my back to the wall and now, now that the end is in sight, i am wondering if i'll be able to last that long. i kinda believe that he's changing.  after all this time i'm thinking it doesn't matter now.  all the years of praying for this and now, well, now, it's too late.  i know he can't see it.  but he must!! feel the coolness.  must be able to see it.  i wonder if he looks in my eyes and ever really SEES.  no....that part will never change.  people are the way they are.  and i'm so tired of being lonely.  even when he's here.  the little things matter.  they create the big things.  and this thing.....it's so big.  I never thought that i would be here now.  after putting in so much time...it coming down to me not caring. 

and then........then there's him.  the one that makes me think.  i have a head-ache from thinking so much.  he, who told me he loves looking in my eyes.  he who sees.  but the distraction is too untouchable.  i need to have my heart clear.  the clutter is the reason for the distraction.  but he is all that he is not.  there has only been one touch of the hand...one time....nothing more, but my entire body cries for more. 

and now, there is too much time alone.  to think.......