Sure atheism has its obvious benefits, like: no tithing, no Sunday go to meetin clothes, and no need to misquote scriptures, but the idea of going to hell really sounds crappy. Also, I must admit Heaven, with those pearly gates, virgin angels, and cushy cloud mattresses, has a certain appeal.

I can understand why God wants to smite me, after all belief in his royal imaginary self is fundamental to his loyal servitude. But hey, is it really necessary to send me to a fiery eternal demise, when it's obvious there's going to be so many vacancies in Heaven's Inn? It's not like I'm walking around proclaiming I'm like his son (only with a shiny new BMW) and re-interpreting his Jewish[ly] penned words every time science coughs up another revelation

 No, I just simply deny his holy omnipotent existence, and regard all those silly Jewish metaphors (written on his behalf) as sweltering opium trips. But, I would never take his name in vein. For Christ's sakes, it doesn't have a single vowel in it, who wants to walk around saying: "Look at me I'm YHVH"? So it certainly could be worse.

I also am aware that believing in his son; the unemployed Jewish carpenter, is the fast-track to Heaven. So, I'm one Jew short of the heavenly gate impasse and left with few options to avoid eternal damnation. Which brings me here, to the "House of Chabad" and the holy clerical office of Rabbi Enoch Goldstein. You see, I know a thing or two about Jews (well maybe just one). Jews believe in two things: Heaven and cold hard currency (backed of course, by the United States of God fearing bearers of Fort Knox gold).

Yep, that's right I intend to buy my way into heaven, much like the Catholics. That is of course, as my Jewish friend insists, these United States of American greenbacks can be backed up by real gold. Rabbi Enoch is calling brother Cohen in New York right now, to check the current status of good ole, US of A gold. Pearly gates here I come! Fatha Enoch was kind enough to give me half off the regular (or fallen Christian) price. For $1976.27, I get a room with a king sized cloud, a solid (gold plated) harp and all the unleavened bread sticks I can eat.

"Is that so?" - "Yes I see, well thank you very much." Rabbi Goldstein says as he hangs up the phone. "Well my friend, it appears your government is bankrupt." - "It seems China has all your gold." the Rabbi says, scratching his nappy beard. "What?!" I say. "How can this be for Christ sakes?" - " It says right here: "In God we trust", certainly you must be wrong. " The Rabbi grinning at me, says: "Ah yes it does, but clearly your Christian politicians trust the Chinese slightly more."

"Brother Cohen tells me the Chinese government will back your paper money with gold - for ten cents on the American dollar." Fatha Goldstein says with a chuckle. I grab my money from the Rabbi, and dash for the door. Leaving the Rabbi's office and fresh out of Jews and all hope of heavenly reprieve, I can not help but to fume. Ten cents on the dollar… I think to my self. Who do those Chinese think they are? Those Jewish bastards…. Wait a minute! Which brings me here, to the "House of Amitābha" and Toi Chi Goldberg's office… JM