alright, im going to write about this and hope no one reads just because i need to talk about it and i haven't said anything to anyone about it.
i was talking to my ex-ex, the one before the not-so-what-the-fuck-ever. hes been talking to me, saying hes still in love with me and shit. the one who keeps proposing.
well last night he shared something with me that he's kept to himself for months. when he came back, after we broke up, i was already with the not-so-wtf-ever but i hung out with the ex-ex because i wanted to be cool with him. now, i have this thing where i want to be raped, but willingly, kind of like a role play kind of thing, idk its this fucked up psychological shit because of being raped and the way fucked up shit effects me is fucked up but anyway... i guess he thought about that and then thought "well whats stopping me? i could definitely overpower her" and actually considered raping me. particularly while we were in the car alone on a specific day i still remember.
and he actually told me all that. so all i said was, "well, the point of it was to be consensual... so uhh thanks for not.... i guess..."
idk wtf are you supposed to say when someone who swears they are in love with you lets you know that at one point they considered raping you? DUDE WTF
and im not gonna see him or anything, theres no danger, i dont think he would anyway. but it still really fucking bothers me and i dont know how to talk to him about it and i dont want to tell anyone about it.
but thats what i do! i talk talk talk everything out. and this is just... WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
u kno? thats fucked up.
man. he could have totally done it too... i never thought he would even think about that kind of thing. i was just sitting there in the car, he could have done it at any time. there would have been no way out.
god i dont even want to think about it.
i mean seriously what the fuck?! what the hell would i do?!
is that why he's trying to lure me out to the state hes in?
does he really think i'll fly out and stay with him after hearing that?
after he asked me if i'd have sex with him if he was around?
HOLY SHIT DUDE
HOW FUCKING STUPID AM I?!
this is bullshit.
zaneamorphous posted on Aug 19, 2008
| views: 163
Comments
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Harpie_brat said on Aug 19, 2008....
Don't be too hard on yourself. You caught it before anything could have happened. If you feel comfortable then you should tell him how you feel. If not, then don't contact anymore. -
day2day said on Aug 19, 2008....
hi morph,I'm not sure i understand. You want him to rape you? But, then you don't, because he wanted to anyway? You need to say exactly what you mean without all the wtf ever's. They get in the way and i can't see how you really feel. That is, if you want me to. Or, just tell me to shut tf up. You can ramble and rant all you want to. Because, that's what i do.day -
RollingC said on Aug 20, 2008....
He admitted thinking about raping you after you told him about fantisizing over it but he also said that it had to be consensual. I think you gave him the message in the wrong way. He could've done it but he didn't and now you're wondering about going ouit of town to visit him ?For sure if you don't feel comfortable you shouldn't go but you should've made sure he understood it was role playing only that you were talking about !It's probably miscommunication but nevertheless do be careful.Rc -
zaneamorphous said on Aug 28, 2008....
harpie_brat - thank you. yes, i've cut off all communications with him now.
day2day - thank you. lol. yeah i get confusing. i had this fucked up thing for a while where i wanted to be raped willingly because i thought it would help me let go of being raped unwillingly in the past. but i've gotten over most of that since then and when he told me he thought about raping me for real, without permission or consent, it freaked me out.
rollingc - thank you. i had told him that long ago, and he was fully aware of the context of the situation i had wanted. he told me that it was out of anger that he wanted to rape me for real, and i had no idea how to feel. since that conversation, i've ended communication with him completely and hope never to see him again.
thank you all so much for commenting and for the advice.
and for reading my slightly idiotic ramblings =]
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