my parents are all upset and have their panties in a knot about something. it must be pretty fucking bad because my mom was having panic attacks and they wont even tell me. my dad wants to kill someone and they keep talking about everyone needing therapy and shit. idk wtf is going on but it'll come out to me when my dads not around and my mom can tell me, cuz she tells me most shit when shes freakin. it scares me though.

    i had a huge conversation with them tonight about a lot of shit. we talked a lot about my heroin addiction. god it still feels weird to say that, but it has to be admitted. anyway, i ended up telling them about a couple times how sick i got from it and how close i came to nearly killing myself with it. i could tell that my dad was really upset, i guess he didnt really know how bad it was. then we had a conversation about my OCD's and what they really mean. idk it was good to talk to them.

    one thing we talked about that i havent put enough thought into, is my weird thing with touching family members. for some reason, i can hug and kiss friends but i have never felt comfortable hugging, holding, or kissing my family. i guess when i was really little, we used to kiss on the cheek goodbye and shit. everyone hugs. but i'm extremely uncomfortable with it. i like the idea of it, i think its good and important, but for some fucking reason... every time someone in my family tries to hug me i want to die and scream and i push them off me without meaning to be such an ass. my parents asked me if i ever hug or kiss my siblings, and i realized i usually keep myself distanced enough so i dont even brush up against them. thinking about it, my brother always tries to put his arm around me like a pal or whatever, and i always always freak out on him. i tried explaining it once, but i told him its not him i just get weird. how do you tell your family that you cant be close like that with them?

    i can get a basic figuring-out of most of the shit i do. but that one? no fucking clue. i want to hug my family when we part, i want to be able to comfort and console them when they are upset, but i just cant! i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me, i just cant do it.

    idk...

i just dont know man...