I haven't been around, as usual. But I think my recent break from here was a lot longer than my last one. And I think it's because all I ever did on this blog was complain and moan and groan with nothing in between.
Nothing wrong with that. It just becomes really old and becomes really depressing because that's all I was surrounding myself with. It's fine to bitch, but I'd rather not have this blog just be solely on bitching.
So, I took time away. I kept writing in my other blog because that one has always been a mixed bag of posts. And I mainly relaxed and enjoyed most of my summer doing jackshit.
And it's been nice and sweet. Yeah, I had my moments of depression; of what I'd be doing next come Fall. But for the most part, there wasn't much anxiety; there wasn't much agitation. Not for a while, anyway.
There was a quiet anxiety stirring in my stomach for some change as August approached. Prior to this, I had been making some small changes. I had been wearing more dresses and skirts, which I haven't really done since I was a little girl. I had been paying more attention to doing my hair and adding accessories here and there. I still hadn't gotten back to working out, but I had been looking out for routines and the like wouldn't bore me to death. Basically, I had been caring about my appearance more because I wanted to grab hold of my identity and present it to the world.
Of course, with me, some small changes always seem to lead to wanting bigger ones. I knew that this feeling would come; I just wasn't expecting it so quickly. But as soon as I felt, I started to panic. The anxiety crept in and I started freaking out about what in the hell I would be doing next in my life now that I had finished up my work on my A.A. in Journalism.
But I already knew what would be next: grad school and/or work. I remember my therapist asking me what I was more emotionally ready for; what I could handle better now. I told him grad school once I got everything put together. I could do the GRE, type up my personal statement, gather up recent works, and fill out the application, but the letters of recommendations haunted me. I had only one that I could count on for sure and an iffy second one. I'd need one more. My old bosses were out of the question since I'm pretty sure they don't care for any of their old workers...or any of their current workers for that matter.
This led me to think that I would have to work first for someone and something and do a good job there to get a third recommendation. But where and doing what? I've never been good at looking for work and I despise interviews with a passion. I always freeze up no matter how much I practice. And there was no way in hell I was going to go back and do retail. I wanted something more up my alley. But I worried that I didn't have enough experience or would fuck up the interview somehow.
So, both options filled me with more anxiety because they seemed so out of the question, so out of reach.
And then my old Journalism teacher left me a voicemail on Wednesday. It was about being her instructional aide for her English 1 class. We had talked about near the end of the semester when she asked if I was interested because she thought I had the skills to help others pass this class. Because apparently, English 1 is one of many a high risk classes on our campus. I guess she saw something in me when as I performed my duties as editor-in-chief.
I decided to take a chance and told her that I was still interested in doing the job to the best of my abilities.
Skip ahead to the present since the rest is pretty much a bore anyway and I now have a job as my old journalism teacher's supplelmental instructor for her English class. I have to get approved by the Board before I can get paid, which won't happen until the first Wednesday of September, but no biggie. And I'll only be working a few hours a week, I believe about eight when I can work up to twenty, but again, no biggie. I'm just glad I actually have a job and will be making my own money.
And it's funny because I've always said I never wanted to be a teacher of any sort. But then I started seeing how much I had to guide my staff, look over their stories and what have you and realized that I can actually help others. Besides, it's not like I'm teaching the class. That's one thing I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to do. But assisting and helping out; yeah, I think I can definitely do that.
I go in tomorrow to be introduced to the class and then I'll find out if I should actually start now or wait until I actually get paid.
I still, however, want to go to grad school to get my Masters. If possible, I'd much rather keep this job while attending grad school so I actually still make money while going to school. But I haven't planned everything out grad school-wise. Plus, I still need a third recommendation.
I've figured out, however, that things tend to fall into place when you're not looking. And for now, I'm fine doing this.
